February 27, 2011
In Arizona, snow is a rare thing... But as I sat, curled up on the couch at my house, I looked out the window and saw snow falling down. For twenty minutes, I stood outside, dancing in the snow. It was a blissful feeling as the flakes fell upon me. Even though I was very cold, I felt a warm feeling inside my heart. I had always had a dream in my life that I'd get to stand in the snow when I was at home. And there's something about snow falling in one of the warmest cities, I'd say, in the US that makes me feel like I experienced a miracle.
Miracles...
It's a funny word to me.
People say, 'I could use a miracle right now.' It's definitely over-used. I am sooooo guilty of this.
But lately, it's one of those things I'm trying to deny that I need: a miracle. Some situations seem impossible. And it would take a miracle to turn things around. I want more than anything to turn things around. I've been thinking a lot about my experiences in life. And just for the few moments I did, I started to cry.
Why?
Because I'm a fighter... And I've wanted to stop fighting a lot lately. I've wanted to give in to opposing forces. But I realized that it's not about me... It's about the people I love. I know that if I was to give up or give in, I'd be hurting the people I care about. The last thing I EVER would want to do was hurt someone I care about.
Perhaps that's why I cried. I felt pained thinking about the effect I had on others. And for them, I'd go to the ends of the world. If it meant they never were to hurt, I'd sacrifice all my happiness. What's funny, though, if that I get my happiness by seeing my loved ones happy. I could never be happy if someone I cared about was unhappy. So, I guess happiness for my friends is a win-win situation.
I will admit... It is hard. Happiness is a choice, and a hard one. It's easy to just give in and let go... But anyone can choose to be happy. It's just super hard. I have failed many times at choosing happiness, as have many people on a regular basis. 'Tis life! It happens! But, it doesn't mean that I have an excuse. I still am going to try to be happy... If not for me, for the ones I love.
It's fun how a little bit of snow can make me think of all of that... I wonder if, perhaps, it is a sign...
March 1, 2011
Yesterday was a Monday. There's a quote that I think is quite funny... 'They say Mondays are the most productive days of the week. I am out to change this ugly statistic.' Haha... I'd say true that! But, I don't try to change it... It just happens. Mondays are not good days for me, generally. And yesterday definitely wasn't the best day of my life, by far.
It started off by the fact that I couldn't sleep the whole night. I'd drift off for maybe a half an hour or so, but then I'd be up again, wide awake, for about an hour. This really frustrated me, because I definitely needed a lot of sleep. I had been very sick the night before, and I didn't want to be sick during school. (Note: By sick, I don't mean cold/flu/fever sick. I'd describe it as... Physically sick? I suppose...) But sure enough, the whole day consisted of being sick.
Usually, my A hour (which starts at 6:45 in the morning) is where the trouble begins. Yesterday, it went pretty smoothly. I took a test and made up a quiz. Granted, I don't think I did very well on them, but I was able to stay awake (and relatively functional) for the whole hour and 15 minutes.
It was actually first hour where I ran into problems. My first hour is choir, which usually relieves me of my problems through music. But, for some reason, the music wasn't working like it usually does on me. At one point, we were all in a big circle, around the piano. Our director had us sit on the floor as we worked over some parts to a song. I was seated a little bit out of the circle, so I was partially blocked from view. There was also the piano, which blocked me from over half of the class's view. Ultimately, when I got sick (how I got sick, I won't say.), I was in a position where no one was able to see me. I'm actually kinda glad about this only to the extent that I didn't want people freaking out. Sure, I was light-headed and seconds from passing out... I just wanted to get over it. So, I tried. But it followed me to 3rd hour. (Second hour was quite uneventful).
In third hour, which is orchestra, I was on edge real badly. Third hour is orchestra, so I was nervous about handling a cello in my state. But I did. We were out on stage, practicing for our concert (TODAY!). I was shaky and didn't feel good at all. But I tried to carry on. It was tricky, if I say so myself. I was most concerned about dropping the cello. A few girls knew about the situation, and they were all sitting pretty close to me. I guess that was a comforting thing, that if anything was to happen, they'd 'have my back.' I'm not sure how, but I made it through the class without any major events.
So I went to lunch. I sat at the usual table, but at first, there was only one person there. Usually, there at least three people there. So it was just the two of us for a while, until two more friends came to sit down. But before they came, I got to talk to my friend, Jenny. She was the first person at the table. And it was really good to talk to Jenny. Usually, we don't talk a whole lot, but it was good to talk again. I guess I get distracted a lot. So when Aly and Rachel came, Jenny soon left to go somewhere. During this time, I got really sick again. This time, it was a different kind of sick, and people actually noticed this time. It was weird for me, because I don't really like attention, especially if I'm sick. But there wasn't anything I could do from being sick. So I just let if happen. I don't remember too much after that... until fourth hour.
Fourth hour is Anatomy. I was kinda nervous about going back to this class because I had fallen asleep on Friday in the middle of the review, and I'm sure I made my teacher really mad... I felt bad, because I actually had a legit reason why... not that it makes the situation any better, it just might have come across differently. (I'm on a medication that makes me waaaaaay tired at completely random times of day.) But I went to class like normal (and stayed awake the whole time, might I add.) We had out test on the Cardiovascular system. On the multiple choice portion of the test, I did poorly... I have yet to see how I did on the diagrams portion. I'm hoping I did well. But otherwise, it was uneventful.
Fifth hour was pretty uneventful too. Just writing an essay and (for me) daydreaming. Hey, it beats the fact that I'm usually put to sleep within 10 minutes in that class... Teacher's fault! I say this because... well, if you have a warm classroom at 1:00 in the afternoon (after lunch, might I add), with the lights off for at least half the class every day, then you have a recipe for disaster. Just saying...
Then it was TRACK!
Aha, track. I love it. well, not yesterday, I didn't. We started off with our half a mile warm up (which my body never seems to like, even on a good day). Then we stretched, yada yada yada. But it was actually when the whole team split off to practice in the specific events (throwing, for me), when the yuck factor came in. Apparently, someone had left a disc out in the field the week before... So, our coach made us run half a mile for it. For me, it was just... painful. If i wasn't feeling sick before, I was now. Then, we had to actually throw. The thought of throwing at that moment seemed to be like the thought of going on a 15 mile hike in less than an hour: pretty hard, if not, impossible.
But I managed it. It was fairly uneventful. Usually, we're laughing and such... but we were all just way too.. tired? I'd say that's pretty close to right. The only really specific thing I remember about all of this was anger... but that comes later. After we threw for about an hour and fifteen minutes, we went to the weight room for our lifting workout. This was harder than usual, but me and my workout buddies made it through. After that, it was sprints and 30 second blitz (aka minute and a half of temporary hell)... Ab stuff. Essential to throwers, but never any fun.
Basically, after that, coach talked to us and then we were done. By that point, it was 5:45. I realized I had a choir audition in 10 minutes. Oh my gosh...
I got there in time, I guess. No one said anything if I was late. I started with sight singing. 7 out of 10. Eh, not that bad. Then I went in and the directors (yes, two of them) ran me through some things to test range, memory, etc. I guess I did okay. I'm hoping to make the choirs I want next year. But, the whole time, I felt like I was having a seizure on the inside. It was so hard ot concentrate on anything. I was feeling really beat, too.
I drove home and basically flopped on Facebook and picnik.com. I was stressed out emotionally, and didn't really want to talk to my mom. (The grandparents are in Hawaii until a week from Sunday. WOOT!) I ended up venting to Rachel about what I was angry about.. and then, really suddenly, I got sick again. And it discombobulated things. Everything was weird after that... Eventually, I got in a fight with my mom and went to bed, angry. Which means sleep was.. uh... yeah, not so good.
But I was also still raving mad. I was mad at someone.. How do I explain this.... Well, there was a person in my life that wasn't exactly the best person to be in my life. They did a lot of things that were just... Cruel to me. And one of the things came back to me, and reminded me of some things. It really turned into a crying situation at first, then the 'holy cow I'm gonna break someone in half' kind of anger. I'm feeling better today about it, but i'm still mad. And it real ate at me yesterday... And I'm thinking it might be this way today.
Today I have an orchestra concert... But, I don't have school 'til noon. It's only first through third hour... It's going to be an easy day. But I'm just concerned about being sick and all...
Yesterday was rough, and I'm hoping today is better. But I had my friends there all day yesterday, and it really made all the difference. I'm glad that they are there for me. I'm just caught up on things... Let's hope for a better day!
