Heartbreak

December 18, 2011

Maybe losing another friend yesterday hurts so bad because it makes me think of my old friend... It's been over two years, and it still breaks my heart to think that he is gone... And with every person that has died since, the hole in my heart just seems to be uncovered. It's amazing how much he broke my heart, just by dying. I know he didn't mean to hurt me, because the last thing he said to me was to be strong and remember that he cared about me... But the fact is, he is gone, and I could have done something. I could have helped. I could have saved him. I could have told him how much he meant to me. I could have reminded him that he is so important to so many people. The fact is, he COULD still be here. But he's not. He left so many things undone, so many things unresolved... He left an already sad, broken girl with guilt, blame, and heartbreak... He left with no goodbye, no farewell... And I have been haunted and broken with the memory of his last words to me... His last cry for help that I couldn't recognize, despite my own countless cries. The fact is, I can't seem to go on a day without remembering him... his words, his face, everything... And I don't think I could ever forget the moment I was told he was gone. I could never forget the feeling of my heart breaking, the hot tears consuming my being for days straight...
And so, losing yet another person just digs a little deeper into this great, painful hole in my heart, soul, and mind... So many regrets, memories... So many things left undone and unsaid... And it kills me.

So... What was that about? I suppose you're wondering...
Yesterday, I found out that one of my friends from Elementary school died. At first I was just sad... But then the pain got worse and worse. No one will tell me how he died. No one will talk to me about it. Only two people have even acknowledged his death. THAT started breaking my heart...
And then I woke up this morning from something, but at first I didn't know/understand what. But within seconds, I figured it out: it was literally heartache. And it wasn't necessarily because of this boy that died. Yes, I am sad... But in all seriousness, I hardly knew him. So why was I hurting so badly?
Vick.
That name will forever haunt me...
When I was fifteen, shortly after starting to go to my new high school, my friend Vick committed suicide. That statement in itself was enough to kill me... But it was so  much deeper than that... so much more painful...
You see, Vick was one of my best friends... He was also like... fifteen years older than I was. He was like my big brother and he treated me like his baby sister. I talked to him about things that no one else knew about... Because he had been there, done that, and knew how to deal with it. His words of encouragement, comfort, and understanding were better than anyone else at the time. He was real and he knew what he was talking about.
But then things started getting funny... Ever so weird... His girlfriend and he were fighting a lot and saying mean things to eachother, and his girlfriend also being one of my best friends, I was caught in the middle. Both Vick and his girlfriend came to me to vent and just get their mind off of each other.
But one night, after a particularly nasty fight, his girlfriend sent me a message over Facebook. She said that she was scared that Vick was thinking about killing himself, so she wasn't going to talk to him, because she felt partially to blame for it.
However, I didn't, and couldn't, believe that Vick would be suicidal. But, I still started talking to him. He indeed sounded quite sad and injured... And he seemed to be acting funny, but he assured me he was okay. We talked for a couple hours  before I had to finally go. His goodbye would haunt me forever...
He told me to be strong, to not forget that I am strong, and that life will get better. He told me that he cared so much about me an didn't want anything bad to me. He said he could stand to think that I was still hurting, and to just remember that he cared.
To me, this was a very odd thing to say, but I thanked him and told him that I was glad someone cared...
The next morning, I got a phone call that woke me up. On the other end was Vick's girlfriend, who was crying hysterically. At first, I couldn't understand what in the world she was saying. But after a couple minutes, I was able to understand the words 'He did it.'
Confused, I asked, 'Did what? Who did what?'
She replied, ''Vick. He did it. He's gone, Katie. He killed himself last night at about two in the morning.'
A lot happened in the next few seconds... I fell to the ground, my heart sunk into my stomach, and I started crying. And.. I am pretty sure my heart broke.
Eventually, his girlfriend said she was going to cry and wanted to hang up. I didn't say anything, so she did. Instead, I started crying uncontrollably. He was gone.. He was dead...
At first I thought this was a cruel joke... But by that night, after no response on Facebook and no answered texts, I knew it was true... I knew he was gone...
By the next day, I was a mess... I hadn't been eating or drinking anything. And it was the next day that I made the most horrible an painful discovery...:
I had been the last person to talk to him... I had been the only person who could have saved him.
And I could have.
We stopped talking at about 1:00 in the morning... About an hour later, he had taken his life.

Since then, I have had this huge hole in my heart... I haven't been able to get over the guilt, the pain... the loss. Suicide is so much worse than just a natural death... Because with suicide, so much is robbed... Not only are they taking their life, but they are taking pieces of someone else's life. He COULD still be here... But instead, he is gone....
And I can't seem to shake off the quilt and loss I feel...
I don't know how long this is going to hurt... But I just hope and pray that it will go away soon... I loved Vick so much, but he stole so much from me... He wanted me to be happy and he didn't want me to hurt...
But instead, he gave me a trial that I can never get over... And it will haunt me for the rest of my life.

God Gave Me You For the Ups and Downs...

So, yes. Ups and Downs. Understatement.

So  much has happened since I last posted...

First, HE FINALLY ANSWERED ME! And it was really adorable, too. He wrote the cutest story, put in on a box of doughnuts, and let them on top of my car. It was the sweetest thing ever! And so yeah, I'll just stick with these ups first :)
Me and my date!

After the dance!

 Oh, the silly faces!

Our house was the best... (Joke... Everyone's was cool, but ours was especially so).

We had our day activity two weekends ago... And it was so fun! I had the greatest group ever! And we went ice skating (where my date caught me like 8 billion time and reduced the actual number of falls to about 8). Then we went and had hot chocolate, then an awesome snowball fight, and then had cotton candy! It was soooo much fun and we all had a blast!
And so the actual dance was Saturday! And it seriously was one of the greatest days ever..! My date was the most perfect gentleman and was basically the sweetest, kindest, and flattering (if I do say so myself) of anyone ever. Probably my favorite moment was when we were slow dancing to Unchained Melody, and he was sing... My heart melted, because his voice is gorgeous... Nuff said :P But yeah, we took lovely pictures, had an amazing dinner, had super fun dancing, and then built gingerbread houses! Talk about time of my life <3

However, Life hasn't been a piece of cake... I found out today that there is an extremely high chance that i have a severe disorder... But let me just explain stuff first:
I have had many health issues, but many of them have not really been figured out... There was no connection.
Until now.
I have sleeping issues (I have really bad nightmares about things that have happened to me). And so I end up having a huge panic attack and do things like claw at my arms, slam my body into furniture, hit my head repeatedly into walls, etc... Long story, unintentional self-harm. And this is not good. I never fully remember hurting myself, but I get so distressed that it happens... I have other symptoms as well.

All of which are symptoms of this condition.

It's called PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder). It's caused by experiencing extremely psychologically taumatic events, such as assaults, abuse, rape, death threats, etc. Many of its symptoms are:
Headaches, muscle spasms, palpitations, fatigue, hypervigilance, stomach pains, flashbacks, nightmares, avoidant behaviors, anger, depression, problems concentrating, guilt, fainting, dizziness, intense negative psychological.physiological response to any objective/subjective reminder if trauma(s), and self harm issues... And all of these I have had for several years now...
This covers basically all the mysterious ailments I have, and it also makes sense and is more than likely to be so... However.. This is severe psychological damages... Which is potentially danger and life threatening, especially on my end. So, knowing doesn't necessarily make it easier... -sigh-
But back to something happy, maybe... I got a new hair style a month ago!
I went from this:

To this!

These pictures are only like... two days apart, to be honest... But yeah, I like my new hair. I just got my bangs trimmed for the dance (so that's why they are shorter in the dance pictures up earlier i n the post). It's a good chance, and I needed the change.
So... I think I'm all updated out. I think I'll finish this off with some of my most recent and favorite Facebook statuses... To pick up on the little things I left out:

November 12, 2011

Let me tell you: 11/11/11 was basically one of the luckiest days ever... Because it seriously had to be the 2nd best day of my life... (I know a definite 1st.. :P) But it just was amazing... Everything from FINALLY being answered to Winter Formal (And in a very clever and awesome way, if I do say so myself) to being able to watch the new Harry Potter Part 2 TWICE with many friends (and also part 1!), plus all the amazing things that happened that are too good for words... I am beyond happy at this moment... And very much at peace with how life is going. So, sure, the wish I wished for hasn't come true (yet), but I did get a pretty amazing day (understatement!) So... I want to thank all the people (that I have here on Facebook, at least) for making yesterday one of the greatest days ever! (And I will try to make it chronological order LOL) You guys are the greatest :)

November 13, 2011

There's a difference between making choices and making sacrifices, more than one, actually. With choices, you do what is right for you, and sometimes it just happens to be right for others. But sacrifices? They are much more powerful. You can sacrifice something that could be about you for something that is for someone else. So, ultimately, sacrifices are the greater thing. If you choose something, that's great and all... But how do you know if you really care about your choices? When you sacrifice something... You obviously care so much about something, something other than yourself. Sure, sacrifices can be about you... But the thing is, if you are will to sacrifice something, then it shouldn't just be about you... I guess what this means is that people can change... People can make stupid choices, but when they are willing to sacrifice something for the greater good, there's nothing more powerful. Who can argue with someone who sacrifices their life for someone else? I mean, think about it... People usually don't choose to die. People choose to go out an do things... I guess what I am trying to say is that, ultimately, there are no choices in the end. You can choose how you're going to get somewhere, but we all end up at the same place: People die everyday.. Some of old age, some of illness, some of unnatural causes. And we all have that moment where we are forced to live with the choices we have made. So, yes, choices are important... But what you really are going to remember, over your choices, are your sacrifices. You won't remember that one bad choice that caused a little issue for a while when you were a kid... You'll remember the day you decided to give up sleeping in for hanging out with a friend; a friend who felt like no one cared... You'll remember those things more than the little choices you have made. So.. You might be wondering what this is all about. In my life, sure, I have made stupid and poor choices. But, you know what? I am not a bad person. I have changed, because I now am willing to sacrifice everything I love and hold dear to my heart for the one thing that truly matters in this life... I am willing to travel the stormy sea, while in comparison, I am currently on flat, prairie land. I would take persecution, hate, misunderstanding, pain, grief, and trials in a heart beat, though probably not easily. I would even give up my life for this one thing, because If my small life is defined by an ultimate sacrifice like that, I would be proud. And people may doubt this in me, but I truly would do this... Sure, I am waiting now... But again, I am sacrificing my happiness, so that I can do this the right way, so that I don't have to lose what I love on this earth most... And people are always going to think this is a poor choice, giving up what I love most for just one thing... But truly, it will be the greatest, most important sacrifice I could ever make.

November 16, 2011

No matter how hard you try, there's always going to be a day where you can't be as strong as you can be... There will be days where you just break down and cry. There will be days where you feel like you hate the world, or that the world hates you. There will be days where you wish you could just evaporate... And there will be people that will bring back memories that you wish you didn't have, fears that you thought you overcame, and burdens that you thought you got rid of long ago. But do not be discouraged.. We are all human. It's okay to be sad, angry, or even bitter at times. You just have to remember that things aren't, and will not, always be this way. Go ahead and tuck down your head for a while, but never forget to hold it up high again. That's the hardest part, but the most important. Today has been hard, one of these days... But I'm going to find my strength again, somehow. I am thankful that I have people that are helping me through this... Because it is impossible to go through life alone.

November 21, 2011

I understand that some days are not as good as we could have hoped, and that sometimes, life is hard. HOWEVER, I am tired of reading about how people want to give up, their life sucks and should just be over, life isn't worth the pain, how things aren't exactly how they want it or how it's not perfect, so it's not worth it, etc... And I'm not trying to be mean. I want these people to listen to me, because I have been there and done all of that: Life is always worth it. No, it's not going to be easy all the time... It's not going to be perfect, or even the happiest or greatest all the time. But I promise, it is worth it. Yes, there are days where it is okay to be down, but you have got to look forward and remember that everything does get better. These bad days, these trials.. They only help us see the better things, the things worth while.. they help us feel happiness. It's going to hurt sometimes, and that's normal. But, you have to be ready for days, weeks, months, or even years like this. But if you try to stay positive, I promise you it gets better. It took me sixteen years to figure that one out. And now, I try my best to stay positive... And find that there are so many things worth it out there. And life is so precious! Every single life is a huge blessing in itself. People die every day, and many of them are premature deaths- 'The good die young'. It is sad and unfortunate... But it's sad to see so many people who would wish this upon themselves in some way, when really, life isn't all that bad if you stay positive... Flowers still grow during a storm, because they always turn to the light. I have known too many people (and all good people, too) that have died, one way or another- and too soon. And too many of them could have prevented their deaths. And it kills me to think about all the pain I see in people's posts. But, it doesn't have to be that way. Call me a dreamer, but we could all live happier lives if we all just stopped for a moment and found something we are thankful for that made us smile, even if it was just for a second... I guess what I am trying to say is to be happy- if you just look around you, there are so many good things. You just have to take the risk of opening up, so that the light can shine through. And I say all of this because every person that is on my Facebook friends list means something to me... And I want the best for each and every one. But what good am I if I don't say anything? Maybe all someone needs to hear is this? It's what changed my life, and I owe it to the one who said it to me.

November 27, 2011

One of these days... You will understand why I have been so down, why I have been different, why I have been moodier, why I want to go away all the time... One of these days, you'll hear something that makes you so mad that all you're going to want to do is yell at me and tell me I am wrong. One of these days, you'll tell everyone what I told you, and humiliate me and make me regret being honest (whether you intend to or not). One of these days, you'll use all of your power to try and change my mind and do what you think is right...
But one of these days, you'll find that I am a lot stronger than you think, and I will never change my mind. One of these days, you'll see that I'd rather go through all of this pain and sorrow just to do what I feel is right. One of these days, you'll see me stand up and defend what I believe, even when I'll be the only one on my side. One of these days, you will be able to see the good changes in me, because I will be able to show and live them freely.
I just hope that, one of these days, you'll still be able to love and accept me... Just as much as you do now. And I only hope that, one of these days, I'll be able to show you that we still won't be all that different at all...

Later that day:

About to go to sleep, knowing that this next week is the beginning of the month of CHAOS! No less than EIGHT concerts (probably missing one somewhere...), approximately FIVE rehearsals... Plus a whole lot of little things that are just going to add up... Oh yeah.. PLUS we have SCHOOL to fit in there somewhere.. HAHA. That's funny... Welp. It can't be worse than Junior year. (Oh.. Sorry Juniors!) Let the nightmare begin XD (Okay.. .it's not a nightmare... But ask me in three weeks how I feel... Maybe I'll change my answer). ♥

December 1, 2011

There is truth in the phrase 'HE has a plan for me', for I learn every day just how true it is... And this plan consists of amazing friends who help me see things that I have blinded myself to. I think after we do a little more talking... I might be able to see myself like others think I should. It's not going to be easy, but... since when was the word 'easy' ever in the definition of life? Thank you [insert friends' names here] (from which most of this is based off of their conversations with me) for being such amazing friend who always are there for me and are always helping me see the good in... well... everything. I know I am far from perfect, and I'm still working on becoming the person I would be acceptable with being... But I guess I do need to remember that I am a child of God, and I have infinite worth... (Thank you, Rachel). And there truly is no one else like me out in the world (with both the good and the bad sides of me). And for that reason, I need to be okay with myself... I didn't know just how much I effected those around me, and I need to be proud of who I am, even with my faults... Because, I really could be so much worse. By no means am I perfect... and by no means am I going to settle for this. But I can't keep downing myself for my imperfections. It just makes me human. And maybe, in some cases, that makes me a better person than I make myself out to be. I need to accept what I have done and what is passed, and learn to grow from it, rather than let it restrict me. And by no means is this going to be easy. I understand that... But I know that, with God's help, anything is possible.. I just have to remember and keep my faith. I may not understand or even know everything, but based off of what I do know, I am going to try my best to trust in things and let myself be set free..