Struggle

'See these people, they lie. And I don't know who to believe anymore.'

http://youtu.be/NlYfvsOHSKs
Struggling... It's bound to happen... Right? Oh wait. It happens a  lot for me. But this is a whole new struggle for me to deal with. Well, all of the combinations are, at least. I feel like I am obligated to talk about my high school graduation, my plans for college, etc. But life's not t hat simple. It's kinda over with, or not what's on my min. I have some.. Alarming issues right now. Some good. Some bad. And they're things I don't feel like making people think about. Ug. It's complicated. I need to talk. I need to get it out, but I'm too freaked out t hat someone will freak out if I tell them directly. It's kinda... Bad.
For one... How do you explain to someone that you're exhausted without being able to tell them why? My family wants to know why I'm sick. Lots of reasons. I'm eating. I'm weak. I have horrible coughing issues. Etc. But it all comes from lack of sleep. And it's not just because I don't get tired. Trust me. I wish I could just collapse somewhere and sleep for hours. Gosh, that'd be nice! But the thing is.. I literally cannot sleep.
I feel like a crazy person... Because what I'm about to talk about is stuff that crazy people experience. And I am seriously afraid that something has just happened that pushed me off the edge. I mean.. Yeah, I have had severe psychological problems from the past, and I've only recently started dealing with them... But what if dealing with them is causing... these issues?
I cannot physically let myself go to bed until at least midnight every night. Because i know the night will be rough, and I'm always woken up by 7, so it's not as scary. But why would I purposefully shorten my sleep time? Because of nightmares. They're back again. Somehow, during senior year, I was able to manage them, and many of them actually went away. But they've come back, and are worse. The things I see in my sleep is enough to make me sick. It's a wonder I don't spend the night retching from it. I don't know how I manage it. I really don't. It's scares me to death.

I used to be able to write them down, and then they'd slowly get better. But they've gotten so bad that I can't even get myself to hold the pencil to paper with the intention of writing them.. Reliving them. And typing? No. I cannot put those words down. I end up crying and having a little breakdown.

But I have to fall asleep, first, to have the nightmares. And now... That's been.. not happening. I am immensely afraid of the darkness. I used to be able to manage it, but... Why I was afraid has come back with the nightmares. I see things in the darkness. Shadows. Silhouettes. Faces. And I hear thins, too. Sometimes it's just fake. Sometimes it's memories. Many times, I  hear my cries and screaming from when I was a little girl... When bad things were happening to me. Sometimes I hear things I used to think about, but out loud. There aren't any voices, but they sound real. But the faces... They're so scary. The bodies. The things I see. It's usually people that have died that still cause me grief, or the few people who have... done damage beyond repair to me. One of those people, though, are the one who is the root of all of my distress. The cause of the voices and visions. The cause of all my fears. Especially of darkness. I wonder if seeing him recently provoked this terror. I have gone months without, and I was able to get strong. But whenever I see him? It all comes back. The darkness comes back. The fear takes over.

In just a few days, I've dropped twelve pounds from not eating or drinking much at all. I have to be forced to eat. And even then, I manage to get away with one small meal a day. I stay in my room, typically in bed, all day. Partially, i really am sick. But I'm sick from this fear and terror. My lack of sleep has killed my immunity. I can hardly walk, because I am so weak. I'm spiraling down, and I am too afraid to fight back.

I have other fears, too. Regrets, more like it. At my graduation party, things happened with my old.. er... love. Nothing bad. But we talked a lot. And.. Well. Something almost became more than talk. Again. Nothing bad. But still, I was glad it didn't happen at first. But as the night went on, the more I wish I had gone for it. And it's all so complicated and confusing for me to handle, but he brought back all my regrets... Both in things I have done and haven't done. And man, I realized how much he is one of them. Not just him, I guess. Regret in not trying at love. Maybe not love. But.. I don't know. Relationships. It scares me.
It wasn't until recently that I truly was afraid of being alone forever. And not because someone might not desire to love me. But because I am too afraid for love. Love hasn't done anything good for me, other than faith. And event hat is hard sometimes. But faith and love are different. I love my friends, but that's because there are limits. Love knows no limits, both good and bad. My mother's love for me has had problems, and some really bad. My 'fathers'' love has always been a touchy subject... Whether from my biological father who only recently tried finding me to my step dad who has damaged me beyond any hope for repair. And I guess it's him that makes me afraid of love..
For on, what if I do love someone someday? What will they say when they find out about my past? I am damaged, and there is no way to erase that. Not just physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Psychologically. And he was the one who did it. I'm afraid, too, that I'll marry a monster like him... That a man, someday, will either harm me or any children I might have. I'd never be able to forgive myself if I let that happen. But it could, and that scared me. Or what if I become the one like him? What if I break and end up hurting my spouse and/or children like he hurt me? I don't ever want to hurt anyone.. But some damage... It changes things.

All I know is that I need help. Serious and major help. These things aren't getting better. No matter how much I am making changes, it's not the things I need to fix. I'm a better person and have better faith and values, and I have done some good things. But I need to change these fears. I can't be afraid of the darkness anymore, both metaphorically and literally speaking. I need to find life again. Because these things are threatening everything.. Even my life. I would NEVER consciously take my life. I swore to myself I would never sink that low, not after Vick died. But what if the darkness takes over? I am scared that all my sense and reason and hope will disappear and I will do something that can't be reversed. I've had anxiety attacks where I get so terrified that I have fits to the point where I come to with bruises and scratches.. From lashing out at the unseen fear. I am so scared, and I 'm even too scared to reach out.
But I had to write this. I had to say something. I am going insane. Thank the Lord that tomorrow I am going out to see some friends. To get out of this darned house where so many painful memories live. Where my darkness is living. But I will always have to come back, and I never realized how fragile I can get. I know I am strong... But not in the darkness. The only thing more powerful than hope is fear, and I have enough of it where it is my weakness.
There's a song that I have been listening to. It's the link at the beginning of this post. It's beautiful, and I recommend it. It's actually from the Hunger Games soundtrack, but I feel so much of a real life connection to it. I'm going to put the lyrics on in a second... I've been obsessively listening to it, because it is the one thing that seems to be holding me together... And here's what the song means to me...
The first verse, to me.. it's how I feel.. When I'm afraid. I am someone else. And afraid. The second verse is like my childhood... All the people who hurt. Including myself. And how in some way, I'm a sacrifice. I had to be sacrificed for 'the greater cause'... And my well being was forgotten. The bridge is the feeling when someone has died. Because in that moment when I discover someone has died, all my feelings and memories come back. The good and the bad. And then the chorus... It's all the people who game me a chance.. .Who sacrificed themselves in some way to try and protect me.
Then the lines 'And now I know my place' is still in the works. I guess I am still trying to figure that out. That's what this is about. Am I the martyr or the warrior? Or the just the sacrificial lamb? I don't know...
Just a Game by Birdy

I don't know where I am
I don't know this place
Don't recognize anybody
Just the same old dainty face
See these people they lie
And I don't know who to believe anymore

There comes you to keep me safe from harm
There comes you to take me in your arms
Is it just a game?
I don't know
Is it just a game?
I don't know

Pleading eyes that break my heart
So homesick and confused
But I know I must play my part
And tears I must conceal

There comes you to keep me safe from harm
There comes you to take me in your arms
Is it just a game?
I don't know
To keep you safe from my bow

Take my hand and my heart races
Flames illuminate our faces
And we're on fire
Blow a kiss to the crowd
They're our only hope now

And now I know my place
And now I know my place
We're all just pieces in their games

I love it. And I can't stop listening... I'm just praying for some peace. I am scared. And I need some help. I don't know how else to do it without being the burden. Please. Someone. Anyone.

Iceberg Ahead..

I know... You're probably tired of these types of posts... But I am having another rainy day... weekend... week... who knows?! All I know is that I feel a little cruddy, and I can't shake this feeling...
Before I dive into this story, I want anyone who reads this to understand some things... For one: I love life. I love my friends and I love the happiness I feel. Sometimes, though, life gets overwhelming... Second: No matter how much it may sound like it, I am not suicidal. [I'm tired of people asking or implying!] I am not, nor will I ever consider taking my life. Three: This is venting... So, it may all sound like the end of the world for me, but in reality, it's still slightly bearable.
With that being said... Here we go..!
These last few days have kicked the heck out of my morale, and my strength has faltered a little... I dropped a couple of walls and let outside forces invade... and now I am paying the price.
I am too out to want to go into the whole story just now... But things got really bad. Things are bad... If I didn't know that I would never take my life, I would be afraid of doing so... That's how bad things have been. But I have a strong faith and great friends that keep me from ever doing the most selfish deed in the world...
But I was thinking about it, and I got afraid of myself. This dark part of me that I acquired when I was a preteen/young teen comes out int he darkest times and put this image in my mind... this image of despair. This part of me said, 'I wish I was on a boat... A boat sailing in icy water, so that it could hit an iceberg and just go down. Or maybe be on a boat, hit ice, and miss the lifeboats.' This part of me wants to give up.... to die. And I have been stuck inside myself, scared. There's this terrifying part of me that makes me think dark things and do things I regret or desire things that I wish weren't in my life. Then there's this part of me that is good... Full of light of God, hope, faith, and happiness... But this part is hiding because she is scared of the dark side... This part of me has been in and out of hiding for a long time... It is my innocence.
My innocence has been threatened, abused, and almost destroyed... But I grasp on to the little bit I have left, and to the very idea that I may still have some... Though much of it isn't my fault, I feel like I lost my innocence. I pray to God every day that I can preserve what I have, and maybe even repair it a little. I am so scared that it might be gone... But I believe she's still in there. I am too afraid of this dark side of me to be completely dark...
The fact that this dark side is coming back out again.. I have been working tirelessly for the past year or so to make sure she doesn't come back, but she is back in full fury. I have having experiences again that I haven't since 2010... And that terrifies me...
The truth is, I used to be a bad person... Well, mostly, anyway. I did bad things because of bad things that happened in my life. I don't like people knowing, because I HATE that part of me... And I hate that I am labeled as something I pretend not to be... But deep down, I have this part of me that still is the old labels. I am being defeated by people who are supposed to be helping me, like my mom. I love her dearly, but she is hurting me so badly, lately... She emotionally and mentally abuses me every day. And that hurts so badly. I can hardly handle it... And my grandma is the the same... But more upfront and brutal.
My family is breaking me down... Breaking me completely. They have robbed me of safe havens...Even my own mind is no longer safe...
It kills me to talk to my friends and the people around me, who are so happy and care so much... and tell them I m struggling. Man, if some f them knew... If some of them knew what I faced every day... I can harldy imagine telling them... Or even what I used to go through daily... It kills me to see concern etched upon their faces... It hurts me to know that the ones who care and love me most are the ones who feel helpless when it comes to helping me and wanting to help me.
But having them.. I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have found faith in God. And I wouldn't have the friends.. There goes the two reasons I haven't and would never take my own life.
But in all honesty, it's more for God and my friends that I keep myself here... For one, I could never insult God like that... HE brought me here and gave me some pretty good things... and even though my life hits rock bottom periodically... even though I hit icebergs periodically... It's got to be for a reason...! And my friends? I could never do something that horrible to them... I could never be responsible for that pain... the blame... the loss.... The things that come with when a friend or even a person you know commits suicide.
I won't go into details... But once upon a time... I had no hope. I was on the road to suicide. In fact, one day, I was moments from doing it. I was ready and wanting to die... But for a split moment, my best friend at the time popped into my head... And I realized the trauma I would cause her if I did it. And above all, I didn't want to hurt her. and since then, that has been a saving grace.
It's unbearable.. .Right now. Literally unbearable. Nothing I have done is taking this pain away... this grief... this sorrow... this.... these... feelings. I could scream in pitiful sorrow and pain all the night long and not ease the pain... But I am using all my being to hang on... To endure. This unbearable feeling I have infecting my soul is hurting me in many ways, and I am trying so hard to stop it. I wish it could go away... I have been praying and praying for it to cease... But I hold on to my friends in this time. They are keeping my head over the water. They are giving my enough strength to at least try for another day.
For now, I am treading this icy water with sorrow in my heart, but I am hoping with all my heart that I do get through... If tears could heal, I'd have enough for the world right now... But as it is, sometimes tear do nothing but show that everything isn't okay. And man... things aren't right now. But I am going to go on anyway... Because it is the only right thing to do.... The only thing I can or will do. I'm a survivor... I have to make it... I have to pull through... And I pray with all my being to do just that... pull through. make it. Survive...

It's a New Day...

So, today was pretty good. Not going to go into details, mainly because I am too tired (haha!). But, I am going to write (for the fourth day in a row... What? This isn't normal..!)
The big thing I want to write about is this song... Not just A song.. THE song... The song behind the theme of this blog!
So, every year, the choir program at my school does something called the Broadway Revue (every few years, they do Rock and Roll instead of Broadway). And so, each choir does this little medley that's 8-12 minutes long. and in between each group are in-between acts (who'd have guessed the name?!) And soooo... This year, I am auditioning. I decided a year ago I wanted to sing this one song... And now, I have no excuses. I am auditioning. And *hopefully* performing this song. It's called Feel the Rain and it was composed by Bill Kimes and sung (originally) my mom. Since we have the background (like karaoke) music, I can perform it.
And so, I am listening to the lyrics... And I realized... Oh my gosh. These lyrics!
Yeah... They are beautiful and amazing and just... Everything this blog is about! And so, I wanted to post them on here. (They sound better with music!)

Feel the Rain

Changes and phases, transitions in time
Endings, beginnings, no reason, no rhyme.
How many lifetimes are lived in our years?
WE look back on good times and always remember the tears.

One follows the other, we're up, then we're down.
Just when life seems simple, our world turns around.
How many lifetimes have we lived since we're born?
We search for the sunshine but always get caught in the storm

(Chorus)
Don't stop believing,  life is  love and life is pain.
Don't stop believing, there's no fault, and there's no blame.

To get to the rainbow, you've got to feel the rain.

'Cause changes come quickly, love's here then it's gone

Left broken and bleeding til time moves us on

We're all on a journey with roads we must chose

We all take our chances, we all pay our dues.

Cause to get to the rainbow, you've got to feel the rain.

Changes and phases, transitions in time

Endings, beginnings, no reason, no rhyme.
How many lifetimes have we lived sice we're born

We search for the sunshine and always get caught in the storm.

(Chorus)
Don't stop believing,  life is  love and life is pain.
Don't stop believing, there's no fault, and there's no blame.

To get to the rainbow, you've got to feel the rain.

 

So, basically, that is the song! I love the lyrics so much... And I cannot wait to sing them! They mean so much in my life, because they are so true to me and my life. And so, with every good days, I will embrace my rainbow. With every bad day, I feel the rain and look for the rainbow once again. Don't take what you have for granted, because you never know how long you have it... Never forget how good or bad things can be... For if you're going through bad, it's good to remember it will be better soon... and if you're going through good, it's humbling to remember how bad things could be, and it helps to be thankful for the good when you have it... Like they say, you don't know what you have until it's gone.
So for now, I'm looking at the new day ahead of me... I am going to do my best to see that rainbow, even if it does mean feeling the rain a little first... Both literally and metaphorically speaking, a little bit of rain may not be ideal or convenient, but in the end, we'll be thankful for it.... With rain, comes growth, and essentially, new life. What's wrong with that?
Nothing... And that's why I am feeling okay with that right now. Life will always be good. Whether it is easy or not doesn't determine whether it is worth living.

Uphill...

Wow! Just.. Wow! If anyone needed a good day, it was me. And wow... Was today a good day! Not just good... Amazing!
I got to sleep in a little, which was good. (Yes, sleep is good!) And then I took a quiz for my math class and got an 80%, which is really good [for me]. Once I got to school, I was told I am OFFICIALLY in All State! Yay! No more alternate status!
Then... I went to the last duel meet of the season! And man, was it AWESOME! Me and my girls (varsity and JV throwers, yeah yeah!) rocked it and did so well! Some major PRs and awesome performances!
And I finally... FINALLY broke my Freshman disc PR! Broke it by 2 feet, with an 88 foot, 9 inch throw. And it felt AMAZING!
Although, it was a bittersweet moment... This is the last meet with all of the team for this season... But for me, it's forever. I have grown soooo close to all of these girls, and I am going to miss them next year. and it was such a weird feeling, throwing with some of them for the last time. Every one of them has grown stronger, improved in their distances, and has become a dear friend to me. I have watched them grow in so many ways, and I have been honored to be able to throw with them and help them.
Here's some of the amazing girls that I throw with.. (pictures 'borrowed by some of their facebooks haha!):

No, this is not everyone, and I hope I can get a picture with all of us... But For now this will do. It's going to be weird when I say goodbye for good, right before graduation. I'm gonna miss these girls!
Well... For now, that all I've got! (But hey, for a third day in a row, I'm doing good!) Time to go take a math test..!

Clear as Mud

I know what you're thinking...
'SHE'S POSTING AGAIN! But... But... She just posted yesterday!'
That's right, kidlets. I am posting TWO DAYS... in a ROW.
Kinda like sucking venom out of a bite, I need to post. I have a lot on my mind, and with so much going on, I can't afford to dwell on it. and with it in my head all the time... I am dwelling.
My grandpa is back in the hospital, but no one in my family is really telling me what is wrong. They seem to want to hide it from me. Ummm.. Okay. Love you too..? So, here I am, sitting int he dark, in tons of pain (body ache... similar to yesterday), and they won't even spend the time to talk to me...
This bothers me. Aren't families supposed to love the people in them? I mean... What have I done these past 17 years to deserve how they've treated me? Either I don't have a voice in their eyes, or it's not worth listening to. Or maybe both?
I mean, it's not like I haven't said anything... I've been crying out since I was three... Almost 15 years! Why won't they listen? Why do they treat me so badly? I mean, I'm pretty sure they don't mean it, but really? Why don't they see how bad they treat me? I'm always being bashed and downed on... I'm the one everyone takes thing out on... I'm always being ignored and insulted. Why am I so worthless in their eyes?! Or, better yet... Why do I have to FEEL that way?

My friends tell me every day how special I am in my own way... That I have so many good qualities. I want so badly to completely believe it... But going home to a family who bashes and abuses me with their words? I have been through so much, and much of the much [haha] has destroyed my self esteem. Do I even have any left? I am so down on myself all the time, and when I am at home, I get bashed on that, too. I am not good enough for the people I love and care about... But they have destroyed me! I love my mom so much, and I can't imagine life without her... But she brought in the people who killed and stole my childhood and innocence... She bashes me all the time, especially when she is under the impression that she is always right, even when I know she's not... She takes her anger and frustration out on me. I can't be the human punching bag anymore... Not verbally, emotionally, or physically. I have so many emotional, mental, and physical scars from the past 15 years...
And EVERY time I try to defend myself... I get knocked down again...
My mom and I were going at it again... And it always start over stupid things... But if it's not my mom's way... Usually it's the wrong way. And so, once again, I didn't do it her way.

-Sigh- Thankfully, my grandma has been gone most of the day. Because of grandpa being so sick, she has been especially bitter and snappy... Especially on me. And I don't think I could have handled her on my case too. I love her and am worried for her, just as much as my grandpa... But I keep getting lashed out on. A sinlge person... a girl... can only take so much. Between 6 classes, track, music [choir, orchestra, and All-State], homework, an online math class [which needs to be finished in a couple days], commutes, chores, and sleeping... My time is spent. And somehow, my family thinks I need my time wasted on lectures about how I need to be 'smarter' and what I need to do with my life... Arguments that result in me being called stupid, lazy, lousy, etc... Talks about how my cousins are perfect and I should follow in their footsteps... Reminders that I am mediocre in their eyes.
These usually cut into my already limited sleeping times. I only get 4-5 hours a night... Which really doesn't help.

It's not just my heart stopping/skipping that keeps me up. I have nightmares. Partially from the PTSD... But sometimes... Just nightmares because of things that happen. And my dreams, as it is, would be another person's nightmares... My nightmares are pure horror film quality... And even then, I have never seen a horror film as bad as my nightmares... I'm surprised I can cope with them... But I guess that 4 years of these would make it less... shocking.
Usually.
The worst one never gets better. It's one of my deepest fears, and one of my darkest secrets... Something related to my past and a wish I used to have... But the combination is horrific. That one actually is a rare one that I have, but it still comes up a few times a month...
I am one messed up girl...
Recently, I have sent out the link to this blog to people. It kinda scares me... People knowing the real me. At school? In public? I'm the girl that smiles, the girl always cheering people on... always happy [minus when I am hurting, but I somehow? hide it well..] People are utterly shocked when they find out about this side of me... The 'blog' side of me. It's literally like a gate into my mind. And it scares me that people may judge me on this part of me. But the truth is... This IS me.
Yes, I try to be happy as much as I can. And normally, I am optimistic and take everything happily. But lately... I am just spent. Like a bank, a person can give out all it has... But once it's gone, it's gone. You can't [truly] give more than you have. And I am literally, just about spent.I am demanded so much of... And as much as I love helping... I need help sometimes too. So, this is where I try to lay off the load... the burden of life. It is soooo hard. Especially lately. Truthfully, it has also been the happiest time of my life. I haven't been this happy. Ever. I have friends, a decent place to live. Away from.. 'him'... Just two short years ago, I was between living in a home that was sending me to my deathbed and homeless. I was living with an alcoholic who wanted to kill himself so that I could find his body, as well as doing truly horrible things...

 To a kid.

 I was doing horrible things, myself... Because I couldn't cope. Because no one would help me. My friends were scarce, and the ones I did have all have since left my life, with the exception of two, and one only talks to me every once in a while.
Now? My life is just better quality. But, it's still hard.There are days I want to just break down and cry. There are days where I almost feel like giving up. And that bothers me! Why should anyone feel like that?! Why would anyone put someone through so much that they feel like giving up? It's so cruel... And I wonder why... WHY do I deserve what some put me through? I know I didn't do anything to deserve this treatment... So why have I had 14 years of this?
This question is directed to the people who do this to me. I know why Heavenly Father has given this life to me... With it, I will eventually serve a higher purpose.. .Help kids who are/were like me... Bruised, broken, burdened... But, to those who hurt me... Why is it that, for the last 14 years, I have been nothing in your eyes? Was I not a person? Was I not an individual with life, dreams, goals, and a desire to be happy? Why do I deserve to be treated like garbage? Every life is a miracle, and who are you to decide whether this miracle [me] was worth being valued? Who are you to treat a child of God like this? I am perfect, precious, and valuable in His eyes... I am His daughter! Why should you treat anyone any way different?
Maybe someday I will understand... Maybe I won't. I just can't see how this could have happened, or how this happens to children.
I wasn't even born when my father decided he didn't want to be there... I was only three when I first was abused. As a child, I was hurt by so many. 'It shouldn't hurt to be a child'.
No, it shouldn't. But it did for me. It does for thousands like me. And it still does for me. [What? I'm still a child?]
Yupp... I still am. Though, I haven't felt like a kid since I was eleven years old.
-Sigh- These daily bashings have taken a toll on me. I want someone to hear me! I want someone to understand... I want people to remember that what you do to people usually sticks... I want people to realize that no one has it easy, and sometimes...
The person you least expect to be having hard times may very well be the person on their last hope.
By no means am I giving up. If it were an option... Maybe. But it is not an option in my life. I will never do what Vick did to me. I could never hurt anyone like that... I have too much to offer in this life to give up. What about all the people I could help in the future? My life isn't just mine... It's everyone else's that I touch and impact.
Here's another cry for help... Another plea... Mainly, though, for the people who feel they have the right to hurt me..
Please.. Please! PLEASE! Hear me! Listen to me! I am not a Welcome mat to just wipe you shoes on. I am a human being who has so much inside... but with every hit with words, traumas, and fists, I fall a little deeper. I am more than just a human punching bag. I am more than just someone to hurt and abuse. I am more than just a victim. I am a survivor, and I have so much to offer this world. Please see that in me. Please see the goodness, not my flaws...
There's a song... That I have been connecting to lately, and it is a metaphor, just like my life motto... Because here I am, drowning in the rain in the search of my rainbow...

Storm by Lifehouse

how long have i been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
waters getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if i could just see you
everything would be alright
if i had to see you
this darkness would turn into light

and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright

i know you didn't bring me out here to drown
so why am i ten feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause i'm so used to living underneath the surface

if i could just see you
everything would be alright
if i could see you
this stormness would turn into light

and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright

and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and now everything is alright
everything's alright

There's someone I'm missing, though no one knows who. Well, some do, but would never guess it to be them. Once again, I am reminded of how much I have lost, and I mourn for that. 'I've lost so much along the way.' I have...
Life is as clear mud sometimes. I know that life is good and has a purpose higher than ourselves... But sometimes, I get lost in the pain. No one can do it on their own...
I like the quote in the picture at the top of this post... Because it is true. And without God, I wouldn't even be here. He is the rock of my life. And I found Him through some amazing friends. I'd be lost without them. But everything else has been shaky and unstable, wild and stormy. I need some strong support for my future, support I lack right now. I pray for strength and peace every night before I go to sleep. I know, someday, everything will be alright... and I will see the that someone I miss so much.... I know someday I will be out of this storm, out of the waves, out of the water so hard to tread. I know I will be able to breathe again. I know I'll be able to dance in the rain, rather than drowning in it.. And I know to the very core of me, that someday, I will get to the rainbow...

Life Aches and Body Aches

...Me and my titles! HAHA!
Welp... This is going to be one of 'those' posts. Yeah, the  ones that are happy and sad all wrapped into one happy yet depressing little... er... burrito? I don't know... DON'T ASK ME.
(Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy... Oops. Did I say that out loud? JOKE)
Anyway...
I did promise to write a post again soon.
AND LOOK AT ME!
I'm a good girl! Errr... usually. Awk.
Anyway... Ummm... San Fran!
Basically, that trip was ridiculous amazing! In three short days, my choir and the Chamber orchestra (which adds up to about 110 kids) went to see the San Fran Ballet, Cirque De Sollet (er... spelling probably butchered. oh wellz), as well as record in George Lucas' Skywalker Studios (and watch Star Trek in his private movie theatre) and have a clinic at San Jose University. We also went to the Japanese Tea Gardens and the museum across the way (the name escapes me...), as well as experience a bay boat tour and the wharf! (er.. spelling again??)
Between that and the AMAZING friends along the way, and the funny jokes... and... er... other benefits (haha.. 'he' is in the same choir), It was simply amazing! I took so  many pictures, but I am slightly too lazy at the moment to put some up. Maybe later.
But.. [yupp.. here we go.] there was a problem...
We didn't sleep much. And... Well... I was already sick... Long story short... I fell really ill. I am still ill. More ill than usual, mind. Which kinda fast forwards to today on why this is so bad.
Today has been one of those days... I have not only been having a body ache, but a life ache.
Oh yeah. What IS a life/body ache? It's what my friends and I call my... conditions. Life aches are emotional/psychological pains. Body aches are physical ailments.
And today... I had both.
My life aches are usually bad when I have them. But boy, have I been having one. My grandpa is in a rehab center, because he had an intestinal 'tangle' (his intestines literally got tangled and caused an obstruction). He was int he hospital for about a week and a half, but they found he lost his ability to walk from being stuck in bed. So, he is in rehab to get physical therapy and to recover. However, things aren't going well. He is having renal (kidney) problems (almost failure) and his stomach is swelling so much, he looks like he is 8 months pregnant. He hasn't had any will to eat and lost all ambition to do anything but sleep. He has been in pain and he has lost a lot of weight. He is 78, so he's not exactly young. We are terrified for him.
It's scaring me... What if I lose my grandpa? He could die, and the thought makes me sick. I've managed to go three weeks without worrying about it... But I was able to visit him for the first time yesterday.. And he had this look in his eyes I am all too familiar with...
Story time! Er... but not a happy one.
When I was ten years old, my uncle got very sick. He was in the hospital. I visited him and he was so frail and ill. I sat with him, holding his hand. He told me I was helping a lot... But my help wasn't enough to put of his death... I basically watched him die. It was very... strange. But before he died, I looked into his eyes and saw this look of ease... and yet, suffering. He was in so much pain, but he looked willing to fight if it was meant to be. Though, at the same time, he wanted to just sleep.... both literally and metaphorically.
This look is one I saw in my grandpa's eyes. It could be coincidence, and there's a good chance my grandpa will be fine. But there's this large part of me who fears and grieves... I have seen sooooo much sorrow and pain in my life... It terrifies me to lose people or things close to me. Death scares me. Not just in others, but in myself. If I was to die, who would I be hurting? What business would be left undone? What questions would be left unanswered? What would I be missing? I know God has a plan for me... but sometimes, it scares me. I don't know when I am going to die. It could be tonight. It could be in 80 years. I don't know. And that scares me.
I have known people to die at the most unexpected times. Vick took his life when he wasn't yet 30. Another uncle of mine died in his 40's. My sister died at 11 months old... There are others I choose not to mention or delve into... Due to deep emotional roots and pains I still, as I  have said, haven't been able to rid myself of... Loses that will stay with me forever. But regardless, none of these deaths were exactly 'natural'. True, my sister died of genetic illness. My uncle died from a stroke. But, you never expect the untimely deaths...
And I'm scared I will be the next in my family.
After all, I have escaped death so  many times in my life... Someday, I could be bound to not escape. And it scares me. I don't want to die with regrets, or with things left undone, unsaid, unanswered, or unknown.
Which brings me to Body aches. Well, you can imagine... I've been ill for several years now. Part of it has been from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Some of it has been from... Well... The things I have left unnamed. And some of it has been completely unknown [we don't know the cause]. One of the problems is my heart.
My heart is very weak, and far too weak to keep up (at times) with my body and physical activity. Much of this, it is assumed, is from my surgery in October. But it hasn't gotten stronger all of track season, which is not a good sign. I first found out I had heart problems when I almost blacked out and went into Cardiac Arrest back in January, due to the fact that my heart couldn't keep up to my activities in track.
I have managed to avoid that issue since then... until today.
I don't know what it was, but we finished our running and I was unable to breathe... I was blacking out and my chest and right shoulder hurt like none other. My heart rate stayed up at an alarming high BPM (beats per minute) for nearly an hour and never settled down to normal until an hour after I left to go home. I should have gone to the hospital, but I knew that wouldn't happen.
A harsh fact is that I should have gone to a Cardiologist nearly 2 months ago. But... My mom wouldn't dream of taking me. The words 'doctor' and hospital mixed in with 'sick' or 'dying' don't seem to register, or if anything, cause her to go into denial and resist it. I don't have medical insurance... So I get to 'live' (pardon the word choice) with these horrible things. I played with death today... Again.
Every day, I get a little sicker... From the combination of ailments I have, they are slowly killing me, to be blunt. Whether or not I am 'dying', I wouldn't know for certain. But... To be honest, I'm not sure how much more my body can take. Passing out. Black outs. Seizures. Internal bleeding. Infections. Near heart failure. Blood poisoning. Horrific symptoms of PTSD.... Things that I put myself through when I was struggling most..... Etc, etc, etc. My body has taken a major toll, and it's slowly slipping up.
My heart periodically skips beats and/or stops. It has done this in my sleep , especially these last few weeks... almost every night. It wakes me up, which is why I sleep very little. It's scary. At school, I can depend on it happening at least three times. There have been times where it happens several times per hour. It's down right scary.
With all of these things, including little and big things I can't talk about or don't feel is a good idea to dive into, I am holding on to the last few inches of my 'safety net'.
But. BUT. BUT! By no means does this man I am giving up. I am doing everything I can to hold on. I  have too much I want and need to do in my life to give up. I have BEEN THROUGH too much to give up now. Considering how my life used to be, my life is amazing and a blessing. It always will be. True, I am facing trials that are beyond easy to cope with... But I am not alone. So many people are supporting me, even if they don't know my story. And for those who do know my story, I have received even more help from them.
Life is going to hurt... Life is going to be hard. But life will always be worth living. I am a testament to that... I have been through so much, and I will always continue fighting. I am a survivor, and proud of it... And I cannot forget that. People remind me everyday of that. I am so blessed... It is so hard at times. And I am struggling... Surviving is about struggling, and I certainly am right now. But someday, I'll be able to cope better. 'It all gets better in time.' Sometimes, though, it takes some things longer than others.
I just have to keep telling myself.. 'To get to the rainbow, you've got to feel the rain.'

Dancing in the Rain

Wow.. It sure has been a while!

So much has happened... I doubt I could do justice to everything that has happened. The majority of this post will be about the last couple weeks, particularly about March 12th and yesterday (March 28th). But first, here's some little things that have happened.

For one, Jasolyn has finished her chemo. After a dozen or so treatments, a leg amputation, a prosthesis, and two news segments, she is finally done. We are all happy and relieved.

Athletically, I am doing well. This girl has been on varsity shot for most of the season, which is awesome. (And with a PR). Disc is a work in progress. Today I didn't do too well, but 'tis life. But more talk later.
Academically... School is school. I don't  like Government class, I love CP Writing (hint:writing), ASL is ASL, Orchestra is bareable (usully) and then there is CHOIR! We are actually leaving for San Francisco TODAY (as it is midnight of the 29th). We have a lot planned, but I will save that for  my next post. (Yes, I'll be a good girl and post!)
But outside of school? Well. A lot has happened. The thing I haven't openly said, but made reference to in past posts, is now out in the open... And this is it.. and I'm sorry for those who don't want to hear this. But this has been a decision made for a year now, and it's not changing.
On March 12, 2011, I decided I wanted to become a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Long story short, I believe it is true... Not just one what is taught, but because I have never felt closer to Heavenly Father. I have never felt more at peace. I love the Church and I have so much in my future with it. I told my mom that I want to convert. Well... It's still a work in progress, but she knows now. And so, I figure the world can know now, too. But it was on March 12th, 2012 that amazing things happened. I felt things that I had never felt before. I could feel God working in my life on that day, and I had six friends and a Sister missionary there to witness it. I can't even describe it in words. But I can say that it proves to me that what I believe is true.
But March 12 also happens to be the anniversary of the worst day of my life. I am still hesitant to reveal this. And he's my little story that will help explain why. It starts with yesterday.
So, I have been sick the last few days, and so Wednesday was my first day back at school. And since I'm not going today or tomorrow, I felt like the only reason I was there was to get everything ready for San Fran and for the track meet. So, basically by the track meet, I was spent. I had to throw JV because of my absences. So, after I was done throwing (so-so performance), I went inside the locker room to get out of the sun. (I got a really harsh sunburn from an invite on Saturday.) While I was in there, one of my teammates, Marlee, came in and was sitting there. I just so happened to have a letter that Sis. Hansen (the missionary who has been helping me since the first March 12th) had written. It was her journal entry and she scanned a copy for me to read. It was amazing to read her point of view. And so, Marlee and I started talking. And it felt good to just talk to someone. I had been feeling a little depressed and harsh on myself again, and she was helping me feel better by talking about my conversion story. And so, she read the letter and we started talking. And before I knew it, I was on the deep-rooted problems... Why the Church has helped me so much.
I don't let it on too much with people, but one of the main reasons why I love the Church so much is because it has helped my deal with my past and the traumas of my life. And so, I was going into detail about this. Mind, I don't know Marlee very well. I first met her this last summer, for a week, and then I never saw her again until January. So it was unusual for me to just spew my life story. But I felt trusting of her and I felt she was understanding and open. I knew she wasn't going to spread what she was hearing around, and she was helping me out. She was truly listening, and I needed that badly. But I reached the story about what March 12th is. And I hesitated. I had to ask her if she was okay with hearing something... bad... and I asked her to never speak of it outside of just the two of us... Though, I knew she never would.
And she agreed and was totally open. And so, I told her. Essentially, everything.
It was a lot of emotions and thoughts in a short time, both on my end, and on her end. There certain phrases I would say that especially made an effect of her. She closed her eyes in horror a few times, and even looked at me, bewildered. She couldn't believe some of what she was hearing, in the sense that it seemed like she hadn't met someone who had been through a flow of things like that. At one point she just looked at me and said, 'You've got to be the strongest person I know.' But I went on, because it felt good to trust someone and get the thoughts out of my head... because the anniversary of this... it has been polluting my life.
But her reaction was mild in comparison to some of the ones I have received on less traumatic stories. And Marlee's reaction terrifies me. The expressions I see terrify me, but sometimes, it is a good thing to see... A good reminder.
But the other thing is that I told her face to face. This story is one that I believe I have told everyone who knows face to face, or written down by hand and given (face to face). And for now, I want it like that. Someday, I will be very open about it. But, i am still young, and I don't want to regret putting the mst vulnerable part of my online for everyone to see. The fact is, that part of me still hurts like none other. It's the part of me that will never fully heal, and it isn't possible for it to heal.
I don't mind telling people in person. To be honest, I want people to hear my story. But I don't just tell people. I always have a gut feeling (one I believe comes from God) on whether they are someone who should/needs to know... And sometimes it tells me how much to say, how to say it, or whether it's too soon to say yet.
But we talked more than just March 12th. We simply talked. And talking was such a blessing. It helped me beyond anything could have done at the time.
I'm starting to feel disconnected from the eleven year old girl who experienced the negative March 12th. She was so sad, hopeless, numb, scared, broken, and weak. I connect with her emotions at times and her memories, but my will and personality... my mindset... It's so different now, so much stronger. And so I think back on that girl and pity her, but don't pity for the current me. I am so much stronger though I break down a lot. I suspect it is from PTSD, but it's life as well. I have to keep fighting...
There is a quote that says 'Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's learning to dance in the rain.' And I think this goes hand in hand with 'To get to the rainbow, you've got to feel the rain.'. Yesterday was a storm. I started by wanting it to pass and frowning at it. But by the end of the day, I was walking in the storm. Today, in San Fran, I'll probably be dancing.

I have a lot in my future and I am excite, with a twinge of fear. Graduation is fast approaching..! Life is just one great adventure..!

Bittersweet?

So... 'Apparently' it's Valentine's Day. Ha. Apparently? As if I didn't know it was Valentine's Day... As if I haven't been secretly dreading this day for the last few weeks... As if I haven't had bitter feelings about this day for years...
So, you may be wondering, what bitter feeling does this cryptic, somewhat emotionally bipolar girl have? You may be wonder what must have happened to create these feelings... If not, then oh well. I am going to assume that you are wondering, and that by delving into the deep pool of memories... painful memories, that it will make the pain less intense.

Many people think I'm doing better... Getting better... Reacting better. In some senses, I am. But, there is still the deep rooted part of me that aches and morns for the the things that have haunted and hurt me throughout my life... This part still hold the fears that shadow my daily life... It still holds the pain deep in my core.
So... With every opportunity I get, I try to unveil the past that still hurts me, I hope that it helps me cope a little more... So, here I go. Bare with me!
In my family, as I'm sure with other families, we, as family members, give each other valentines of Valentine's Day. Everything from cards to chocolates, flowers to stuffed animals.  Sometimes, it's a big deal. When I was younger (as in from age 3 to 15), it was just me, my mom, and my step dad. And between the three of us, we often would make it our own reason for celebration. It was like a low key birthday, though decked out in the usual 'Valentine' style.
You might be asking yourself... Why is this important?

Well... Because one of the people hurt me worse than any other person has hurt me.
So... Bitter?
Yeah, a little. Hurt in ways that you would expect... like betrayal. It was just another form of brainwash.
Woah... Did she just say brainwash?
Yeah... I did.
I kinda feel like I just totally turned the tables on where this post is going. Aaaand.. That was my original intention.
You see, this was a regular... erm... thing that happened: brainwash. I am still trying to erase the effects... Still trying to break apart the fact that he used the brainwash to hurt me...
Wow. So, I have reached that moment when.... when I have a chance to express something more personal than I am used to expressing... Especially online.
So, what do I do? Do I delve in to this little part of my life that really is the foundation of who I am? Well, wait... hold the phone... What happened to me is not what makes me who I am... It's how I've coped and what I've done because of it... But, to carry on... I've been debating on publicly displaying this piece of me that makes up who I am. It is what has made me a survivor, and for that part, I am proud. But what happened to me? It's like... Such a delicate thing that to wear it on my sleeve could be a betrayal to what I have been through... As if it's something I shouldn't dive into. But at the same time, I want to crusade against it! I want people to know it's not okay, and that there is life after these things... I want people to know that there's a future...
But, then there's this fact that I don't want people to abuse this knowledge. Many people have guessed, but those who have have been friends and don't want to hurt me. But I know there are some people who would use this against me.
So, the question is, what should I do? It's a question I have been asking for 14 years...