So... 'Apparently' it's Valentine's Day. Ha. Apparently? As if I didn't know it was Valentine's Day... As if I haven't been secretly dreading this day for the last few weeks... As if I haven't had bitter feelings about this day for years...
So, you may be wondering, what bitter feeling does this cryptic, somewhat emotionally bipolar girl have? You may be wonder what must have happened to create these feelings... If not, then oh well. I am going to assume that you are wondering, and that by delving into the deep pool of memories... painful memories, that it will make the pain less intense.
So, you may be wondering, what bitter feeling does this cryptic, somewhat emotionally bipolar girl have? You may be wonder what must have happened to create these feelings... If not, then oh well. I am going to assume that you are wondering, and that by delving into the deep pool of memories... painful memories, that it will make the pain less intense.
Many people think I'm doing better... Getting better... Reacting better. In some senses, I am. But, there is still the deep rooted part of me that aches and morns for the the things that have haunted and hurt me throughout my life... This part still hold the fears that shadow my daily life... It still holds the pain deep in my core.
So... With every opportunity I get, I try to unveil the past that still hurts me, I hope that it helps me cope a little more... So, here I go. Bare with me!
In my family, as I'm sure with other families, we, as family members, give each other valentines of Valentine's Day. Everything from cards to chocolates, flowers to stuffed animals. Sometimes, it's a big deal. When I was younger (as in from age 3 to 15), it was just me, my mom, and my step dad. And between the three of us, we often would make it our own reason for celebration. It was like a low key birthday, though decked out in the usual 'Valentine' style.
You might be asking yourself... Why is this important?
So... With every opportunity I get, I try to unveil the past that still hurts me, I hope that it helps me cope a little more... So, here I go. Bare with me!
In my family, as I'm sure with other families, we, as family members, give each other valentines of Valentine's Day. Everything from cards to chocolates, flowers to stuffed animals. Sometimes, it's a big deal. When I was younger (as in from age 3 to 15), it was just me, my mom, and my step dad. And between the three of us, we often would make it our own reason for celebration. It was like a low key birthday, though decked out in the usual 'Valentine' style.
You might be asking yourself... Why is this important?
Well... Because one of the people hurt me worse than any other person has hurt me.
So... Bitter?
Yeah, a little. Hurt in ways that you would expect... like betrayal. It was just another form of brainwash.
Woah... Did she just say brainwash?
Yeah... I did.
I kinda feel like I just totally turned the tables on where this post is going. Aaaand.. That was my original intention.
You see, this was a regular... erm... thing that happened: brainwash. I am still trying to erase the effects... Still trying to break apart the fact that he used the brainwash to hurt me...
Wow. So, I have reached that moment when.... when I have a chance to express something more personal than I am used to expressing... Especially online.
So, what do I do? Do I delve in to this little part of my life that really is the foundation of who I am? Well, wait... hold the phone... What happened to me is not what makes me who I am... It's how I've coped and what I've done because of it... But, to carry on... I've been debating on publicly displaying this piece of me that makes up who I am. It is what has made me a survivor, and for that part, I am proud. But what happened to me? It's like... Such a delicate thing that to wear it on my sleeve could be a betrayal to what I have been through... As if it's something I shouldn't dive into. But at the same time, I want to crusade against it! I want people to know it's not okay, and that there is life after these things... I want people to know that there's a future...
But, then there's this fact that I don't want people to abuse this knowledge. Many people have guessed, but those who have have been friends and don't want to hurt me. But I know there are some people who would use this against me.
So, the question is, what should I do? It's a question I have been asking for 14 years...
So... Bitter?
Yeah, a little. Hurt in ways that you would expect... like betrayal. It was just another form of brainwash.
Woah... Did she just say brainwash?
Yeah... I did.
I kinda feel like I just totally turned the tables on where this post is going. Aaaand.. That was my original intention.
You see, this was a regular... erm... thing that happened: brainwash. I am still trying to erase the effects... Still trying to break apart the fact that he used the brainwash to hurt me...
Wow. So, I have reached that moment when.... when I have a chance to express something more personal than I am used to expressing... Especially online.
So, what do I do? Do I delve in to this little part of my life that really is the foundation of who I am? Well, wait... hold the phone... What happened to me is not what makes me who I am... It's how I've coped and what I've done because of it... But, to carry on... I've been debating on publicly displaying this piece of me that makes up who I am. It is what has made me a survivor, and for that part, I am proud. But what happened to me? It's like... Such a delicate thing that to wear it on my sleeve could be a betrayal to what I have been through... As if it's something I shouldn't dive into. But at the same time, I want to crusade against it! I want people to know it's not okay, and that there is life after these things... I want people to know that there's a future...
But, then there's this fact that I don't want people to abuse this knowledge. Many people have guessed, but those who have have been friends and don't want to hurt me. But I know there are some people who would use this against me.
So, the question is, what should I do? It's a question I have been asking for 14 years...
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