Wow.. It sure has been a while!
So much has happened... I doubt I could do justice to everything that has happened. The majority of this post will be about the last couple weeks, particularly about March 12th and yesterday (March 28th). But first, here's some little things that have happened.
For one, Jasolyn has finished her chemo. After a dozen or so treatments, a leg amputation, a prosthesis, and two news segments, she is finally done. We are all happy and relieved.
Athletically, I am doing well. This girl has been on varsity shot for most of the season, which is awesome. (And with a PR). Disc is a work in progress. Today I didn't do too well, but 'tis life. But more talk later.
Academically... School is school. I don't like Government class, I love CP Writing (hint:writing), ASL is ASL, Orchestra is bareable (usully) and then there is CHOIR! We are actually leaving for San Francisco TODAY (as it is midnight of the 29th). We have a lot planned, but I will save that for my next post. (Yes, I'll be a good girl and post!)
But outside of school? Well. A lot has happened. The thing I haven't openly said, but made reference to in past posts, is now out in the open... And this is it.. and I'm sorry for those who don't want to hear this. But this has been a decision made for a year now, and it's not changing.
On March 12, 2011, I decided I wanted to become a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Long story short, I believe it is true... Not just one what is taught, but because I have never felt closer to Heavenly Father. I have never felt more at peace. I love the Church and I have so much in my future with it. I told my mom that I want to convert. Well... It's still a work in progress, but she knows now. And so, I figure the world can know now, too. But it was on March 12th, 2012 that amazing things happened. I felt things that I had never felt before. I could feel God working in my life on that day, and I had six friends and a Sister missionary there to witness it. I can't even describe it in words. But I can say that it proves to me that what I believe is true.
But March 12 also happens to be the anniversary of the worst day of my life. I am still hesitant to reveal this. And he's my little story that will help explain why. It starts with yesterday.
So, I have been sick the last few days, and so Wednesday was my first day back at school. And since I'm not going today or tomorrow, I felt like the only reason I was there was to get everything ready for San Fran and for the track meet. So, basically by the track meet, I was spent. I had to throw JV because of my absences. So, after I was done throwing (so-so performance), I went inside the locker room to get out of the sun. (I got a really harsh sunburn from an invite on Saturday.) While I was in there, one of my teammates, Marlee, came in and was sitting there. I just so happened to have a letter that Sis. Hansen (the missionary who has been helping me since the first March 12th) had written. It was her journal entry and she scanned a copy for me to read. It was amazing to read her point of view. And so, Marlee and I started talking. And it felt good to just talk to someone. I had been feeling a little depressed and harsh on myself again, and she was helping me feel better by talking about my conversion story. And so, she read the letter and we started talking. And before I knew it, I was on the deep-rooted problems... Why the Church has helped me so much.
I don't let it on too much with people, but one of the main reasons why I love the Church so much is because it has helped my deal with my past and the traumas of my life. And so, I was going into detail about this. Mind, I don't know Marlee very well. I first met her this last summer, for a week, and then I never saw her again until January. So it was unusual for me to just spew my life story. But I felt trusting of her and I felt she was understanding and open. I knew she wasn't going to spread what she was hearing around, and she was helping me out. She was truly listening, and I needed that badly. But I reached the story about what March 12th is. And I hesitated. I had to ask her if she was okay with hearing something... bad... and I asked her to never speak of it outside of just the two of us... Though, I knew she never would.
And she agreed and was totally open. And so, I told her. Essentially, everything.
It was a lot of emotions and thoughts in a short time, both on my end, and on her end. There certain phrases I would say that especially made an effect of her. She closed her eyes in horror a few times, and even looked at me, bewildered. She couldn't believe some of what she was hearing, in the sense that it seemed like she hadn't met someone who had been through a flow of things like that. At one point she just looked at me and said, 'You've got to be the strongest person I know.' But I went on, because it felt good to trust someone and get the thoughts out of my head... because the anniversary of this... it has been polluting my life.
But her reaction was mild in comparison to some of the ones I have received on less traumatic stories. And Marlee's reaction terrifies me. The expressions I see terrify me, but sometimes, it is a good thing to see... A good reminder.
But the other thing is that I told her face to face. This story is one that I believe I have told everyone who knows face to face, or written down by hand and given (face to face). And for now, I want it like that. Someday, I will be very open about it. But, i am still young, and I don't want to regret putting the mst vulnerable part of my online for everyone to see. The fact is, that part of me still hurts like none other. It's the part of me that will never fully heal, and it isn't possible for it to heal.
I don't mind telling people in person. To be honest, I want people to hear my story. But I don't just tell people. I always have a gut feeling (one I believe comes from God) on whether they are someone who should/needs to know... And sometimes it tells me how much to say, how to say it, or whether it's too soon to say yet.
But we talked more than just March 12th. We simply talked. And talking was such a blessing. It helped me beyond anything could have done at the time.
I'm starting to feel disconnected from the eleven year old girl who experienced the negative March 12th. She was so sad, hopeless, numb, scared, broken, and weak. I connect with her emotions at times and her memories, but my will and personality... my mindset... It's so different now, so much stronger. And so I think back on that girl and pity her, but don't pity for the current me. I am so much stronger though I break down a lot. I suspect it is from PTSD, but it's life as well. I have to keep fighting...
There is a quote that says 'Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's learning to dance in the rain.' And I think this goes hand in hand with 'To get to the rainbow, you've got to feel the rain.'. Yesterday was a storm. I started by wanting it to pass and frowning at it. But by the end of the day, I was walking in the storm. Today, in San Fran, I'll probably be dancing.
Academically... School is school. I don't like Government class, I love CP Writing (hint:writing), ASL is ASL, Orchestra is bareable (usully) and then there is CHOIR! We are actually leaving for San Francisco TODAY (as it is midnight of the 29th). We have a lot planned, but I will save that for my next post. (Yes, I'll be a good girl and post!)
But outside of school? Well. A lot has happened. The thing I haven't openly said, but made reference to in past posts, is now out in the open... And this is it.. and I'm sorry for those who don't want to hear this. But this has been a decision made for a year now, and it's not changing.
On March 12, 2011, I decided I wanted to become a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Long story short, I believe it is true... Not just one what is taught, but because I have never felt closer to Heavenly Father. I have never felt more at peace. I love the Church and I have so much in my future with it. I told my mom that I want to convert. Well... It's still a work in progress, but she knows now. And so, I figure the world can know now, too. But it was on March 12th, 2012 that amazing things happened. I felt things that I had never felt before. I could feel God working in my life on that day, and I had six friends and a Sister missionary there to witness it. I can't even describe it in words. But I can say that it proves to me that what I believe is true.
But March 12 also happens to be the anniversary of the worst day of my life. I am still hesitant to reveal this. And he's my little story that will help explain why. It starts with yesterday.
So, I have been sick the last few days, and so Wednesday was my first day back at school. And since I'm not going today or tomorrow, I felt like the only reason I was there was to get everything ready for San Fran and for the track meet. So, basically by the track meet, I was spent. I had to throw JV because of my absences. So, after I was done throwing (so-so performance), I went inside the locker room to get out of the sun. (I got a really harsh sunburn from an invite on Saturday.) While I was in there, one of my teammates, Marlee, came in and was sitting there. I just so happened to have a letter that Sis. Hansen (the missionary who has been helping me since the first March 12th) had written. It was her journal entry and she scanned a copy for me to read. It was amazing to read her point of view. And so, Marlee and I started talking. And it felt good to just talk to someone. I had been feeling a little depressed and harsh on myself again, and she was helping me feel better by talking about my conversion story. And so, she read the letter and we started talking. And before I knew it, I was on the deep-rooted problems... Why the Church has helped me so much.
I don't let it on too much with people, but one of the main reasons why I love the Church so much is because it has helped my deal with my past and the traumas of my life. And so, I was going into detail about this. Mind, I don't know Marlee very well. I first met her this last summer, for a week, and then I never saw her again until January. So it was unusual for me to just spew my life story. But I felt trusting of her and I felt she was understanding and open. I knew she wasn't going to spread what she was hearing around, and she was helping me out. She was truly listening, and I needed that badly. But I reached the story about what March 12th is. And I hesitated. I had to ask her if she was okay with hearing something... bad... and I asked her to never speak of it outside of just the two of us... Though, I knew she never would.
And she agreed and was totally open. And so, I told her. Essentially, everything.
It was a lot of emotions and thoughts in a short time, both on my end, and on her end. There certain phrases I would say that especially made an effect of her. She closed her eyes in horror a few times, and even looked at me, bewildered. She couldn't believe some of what she was hearing, in the sense that it seemed like she hadn't met someone who had been through a flow of things like that. At one point she just looked at me and said, 'You've got to be the strongest person I know.' But I went on, because it felt good to trust someone and get the thoughts out of my head... because the anniversary of this... it has been polluting my life.
But her reaction was mild in comparison to some of the ones I have received on less traumatic stories. And Marlee's reaction terrifies me. The expressions I see terrify me, but sometimes, it is a good thing to see... A good reminder.
But the other thing is that I told her face to face. This story is one that I believe I have told everyone who knows face to face, or written down by hand and given (face to face). And for now, I want it like that. Someday, I will be very open about it. But, i am still young, and I don't want to regret putting the mst vulnerable part of my online for everyone to see. The fact is, that part of me still hurts like none other. It's the part of me that will never fully heal, and it isn't possible for it to heal.
I don't mind telling people in person. To be honest, I want people to hear my story. But I don't just tell people. I always have a gut feeling (one I believe comes from God) on whether they are someone who should/needs to know... And sometimes it tells me how much to say, how to say it, or whether it's too soon to say yet.
But we talked more than just March 12th. We simply talked. And talking was such a blessing. It helped me beyond anything could have done at the time.
I'm starting to feel disconnected from the eleven year old girl who experienced the negative March 12th. She was so sad, hopeless, numb, scared, broken, and weak. I connect with her emotions at times and her memories, but my will and personality... my mindset... It's so different now, so much stronger. And so I think back on that girl and pity her, but don't pity for the current me. I am so much stronger though I break down a lot. I suspect it is from PTSD, but it's life as well. I have to keep fighting...
There is a quote that says 'Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's learning to dance in the rain.' And I think this goes hand in hand with 'To get to the rainbow, you've got to feel the rain.'. Yesterday was a storm. I started by wanting it to pass and frowning at it. But by the end of the day, I was walking in the storm. Today, in San Fran, I'll probably be dancing.
I have a lot in my future and I am excite, with a twinge of fear. Graduation is fast approaching..! Life is just one great adventure..!
