Heartbreak

December 18, 2011

Maybe losing another friend yesterday hurts so bad because it makes me think of my old friend... It's been over two years, and it still breaks my heart to think that he is gone... And with every person that has died since, the hole in my heart just seems to be uncovered. It's amazing how much he broke my heart, just by dying. I know he didn't mean to hurt me, because the last thing he said to me was to be strong and remember that he cared about me... But the fact is, he is gone, and I could have done something. I could have helped. I could have saved him. I could have told him how much he meant to me. I could have reminded him that he is so important to so many people. The fact is, he COULD still be here. But he's not. He left so many things undone, so many things unresolved... He left an already sad, broken girl with guilt, blame, and heartbreak... He left with no goodbye, no farewell... And I have been haunted and broken with the memory of his last words to me... His last cry for help that I couldn't recognize, despite my own countless cries. The fact is, I can't seem to go on a day without remembering him... his words, his face, everything... And I don't think I could ever forget the moment I was told he was gone. I could never forget the feeling of my heart breaking, the hot tears consuming my being for days straight...
And so, losing yet another person just digs a little deeper into this great, painful hole in my heart, soul, and mind... So many regrets, memories... So many things left undone and unsaid... And it kills me.

So... What was that about? I suppose you're wondering...
Yesterday, I found out that one of my friends from Elementary school died. At first I was just sad... But then the pain got worse and worse. No one will tell me how he died. No one will talk to me about it. Only two people have even acknowledged his death. THAT started breaking my heart...
And then I woke up this morning from something, but at first I didn't know/understand what. But within seconds, I figured it out: it was literally heartache. And it wasn't necessarily because of this boy that died. Yes, I am sad... But in all seriousness, I hardly knew him. So why was I hurting so badly?
Vick.
That name will forever haunt me...
When I was fifteen, shortly after starting to go to my new high school, my friend Vick committed suicide. That statement in itself was enough to kill me... But it was so  much deeper than that... so much more painful...
You see, Vick was one of my best friends... He was also like... fifteen years older than I was. He was like my big brother and he treated me like his baby sister. I talked to him about things that no one else knew about... Because he had been there, done that, and knew how to deal with it. His words of encouragement, comfort, and understanding were better than anyone else at the time. He was real and he knew what he was talking about.
But then things started getting funny... Ever so weird... His girlfriend and he were fighting a lot and saying mean things to eachother, and his girlfriend also being one of my best friends, I was caught in the middle. Both Vick and his girlfriend came to me to vent and just get their mind off of each other.
But one night, after a particularly nasty fight, his girlfriend sent me a message over Facebook. She said that she was scared that Vick was thinking about killing himself, so she wasn't going to talk to him, because she felt partially to blame for it.
However, I didn't, and couldn't, believe that Vick would be suicidal. But, I still started talking to him. He indeed sounded quite sad and injured... And he seemed to be acting funny, but he assured me he was okay. We talked for a couple hours  before I had to finally go. His goodbye would haunt me forever...
He told me to be strong, to not forget that I am strong, and that life will get better. He told me that he cared so much about me an didn't want anything bad to me. He said he could stand to think that I was still hurting, and to just remember that he cared.
To me, this was a very odd thing to say, but I thanked him and told him that I was glad someone cared...
The next morning, I got a phone call that woke me up. On the other end was Vick's girlfriend, who was crying hysterically. At first, I couldn't understand what in the world she was saying. But after a couple minutes, I was able to understand the words 'He did it.'
Confused, I asked, 'Did what? Who did what?'
She replied, ''Vick. He did it. He's gone, Katie. He killed himself last night at about two in the morning.'
A lot happened in the next few seconds... I fell to the ground, my heart sunk into my stomach, and I started crying. And.. I am pretty sure my heart broke.
Eventually, his girlfriend said she was going to cry and wanted to hang up. I didn't say anything, so she did. Instead, I started crying uncontrollably. He was gone.. He was dead...
At first I thought this was a cruel joke... But by that night, after no response on Facebook and no answered texts, I knew it was true... I knew he was gone...
By the next day, I was a mess... I hadn't been eating or drinking anything. And it was the next day that I made the most horrible an painful discovery...:
I had been the last person to talk to him... I had been the only person who could have saved him.
And I could have.
We stopped talking at about 1:00 in the morning... About an hour later, he had taken his life.

Since then, I have had this huge hole in my heart... I haven't been able to get over the guilt, the pain... the loss. Suicide is so much worse than just a natural death... Because with suicide, so much is robbed... Not only are they taking their life, but they are taking pieces of someone else's life. He COULD still be here... But instead, he is gone....
And I can't seem to shake off the quilt and loss I feel...
I don't know how long this is going to hurt... But I just hope and pray that it will go away soon... I loved Vick so much, but he stole so much from me... He wanted me to be happy and he didn't want me to hurt...
But instead, he gave me a trial that I can never get over... And it will haunt me for the rest of my life.

God Gave Me You For the Ups and Downs...

So, yes. Ups and Downs. Understatement.

So  much has happened since I last posted...

First, HE FINALLY ANSWERED ME! And it was really adorable, too. He wrote the cutest story, put in on a box of doughnuts, and let them on top of my car. It was the sweetest thing ever! And so yeah, I'll just stick with these ups first :)
Me and my date!

After the dance!

 Oh, the silly faces!

Our house was the best... (Joke... Everyone's was cool, but ours was especially so).

We had our day activity two weekends ago... And it was so fun! I had the greatest group ever! And we went ice skating (where my date caught me like 8 billion time and reduced the actual number of falls to about 8). Then we went and had hot chocolate, then an awesome snowball fight, and then had cotton candy! It was soooo much fun and we all had a blast!
And so the actual dance was Saturday! And it seriously was one of the greatest days ever..! My date was the most perfect gentleman and was basically the sweetest, kindest, and flattering (if I do say so myself) of anyone ever. Probably my favorite moment was when we were slow dancing to Unchained Melody, and he was sing... My heart melted, because his voice is gorgeous... Nuff said :P But yeah, we took lovely pictures, had an amazing dinner, had super fun dancing, and then built gingerbread houses! Talk about time of my life <3

However, Life hasn't been a piece of cake... I found out today that there is an extremely high chance that i have a severe disorder... But let me just explain stuff first:
I have had many health issues, but many of them have not really been figured out... There was no connection.
Until now.
I have sleeping issues (I have really bad nightmares about things that have happened to me). And so I end up having a huge panic attack and do things like claw at my arms, slam my body into furniture, hit my head repeatedly into walls, etc... Long story, unintentional self-harm. And this is not good. I never fully remember hurting myself, but I get so distressed that it happens... I have other symptoms as well.

All of which are symptoms of this condition.

It's called PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder). It's caused by experiencing extremely psychologically taumatic events, such as assaults, abuse, rape, death threats, etc. Many of its symptoms are:
Headaches, muscle spasms, palpitations, fatigue, hypervigilance, stomach pains, flashbacks, nightmares, avoidant behaviors, anger, depression, problems concentrating, guilt, fainting, dizziness, intense negative psychological.physiological response to any objective/subjective reminder if trauma(s), and self harm issues... And all of these I have had for several years now...
This covers basically all the mysterious ailments I have, and it also makes sense and is more than likely to be so... However.. This is severe psychological damages... Which is potentially danger and life threatening, especially on my end. So, knowing doesn't necessarily make it easier... -sigh-
But back to something happy, maybe... I got a new hair style a month ago!
I went from this:

To this!

These pictures are only like... two days apart, to be honest... But yeah, I like my new hair. I just got my bangs trimmed for the dance (so that's why they are shorter in the dance pictures up earlier i n the post). It's a good chance, and I needed the change.
So... I think I'm all updated out. I think I'll finish this off with some of my most recent and favorite Facebook statuses... To pick up on the little things I left out:

November 12, 2011

Let me tell you: 11/11/11 was basically one of the luckiest days ever... Because it seriously had to be the 2nd best day of my life... (I know a definite 1st.. :P) But it just was amazing... Everything from FINALLY being answered to Winter Formal (And in a very clever and awesome way, if I do say so myself) to being able to watch the new Harry Potter Part 2 TWICE with many friends (and also part 1!), plus all the amazing things that happened that are too good for words... I am beyond happy at this moment... And very much at peace with how life is going. So, sure, the wish I wished for hasn't come true (yet), but I did get a pretty amazing day (understatement!) So... I want to thank all the people (that I have here on Facebook, at least) for making yesterday one of the greatest days ever! (And I will try to make it chronological order LOL) You guys are the greatest :)

November 13, 2011

There's a difference between making choices and making sacrifices, more than one, actually. With choices, you do what is right for you, and sometimes it just happens to be right for others. But sacrifices? They are much more powerful. You can sacrifice something that could be about you for something that is for someone else. So, ultimately, sacrifices are the greater thing. If you choose something, that's great and all... But how do you know if you really care about your choices? When you sacrifice something... You obviously care so much about something, something other than yourself. Sure, sacrifices can be about you... But the thing is, if you are will to sacrifice something, then it shouldn't just be about you... I guess what this means is that people can change... People can make stupid choices, but when they are willing to sacrifice something for the greater good, there's nothing more powerful. Who can argue with someone who sacrifices their life for someone else? I mean, think about it... People usually don't choose to die. People choose to go out an do things... I guess what I am trying to say is that, ultimately, there are no choices in the end. You can choose how you're going to get somewhere, but we all end up at the same place: People die everyday.. Some of old age, some of illness, some of unnatural causes. And we all have that moment where we are forced to live with the choices we have made. So, yes, choices are important... But what you really are going to remember, over your choices, are your sacrifices. You won't remember that one bad choice that caused a little issue for a while when you were a kid... You'll remember the day you decided to give up sleeping in for hanging out with a friend; a friend who felt like no one cared... You'll remember those things more than the little choices you have made. So.. You might be wondering what this is all about. In my life, sure, I have made stupid and poor choices. But, you know what? I am not a bad person. I have changed, because I now am willing to sacrifice everything I love and hold dear to my heart for the one thing that truly matters in this life... I am willing to travel the stormy sea, while in comparison, I am currently on flat, prairie land. I would take persecution, hate, misunderstanding, pain, grief, and trials in a heart beat, though probably not easily. I would even give up my life for this one thing, because If my small life is defined by an ultimate sacrifice like that, I would be proud. And people may doubt this in me, but I truly would do this... Sure, I am waiting now... But again, I am sacrificing my happiness, so that I can do this the right way, so that I don't have to lose what I love on this earth most... And people are always going to think this is a poor choice, giving up what I love most for just one thing... But truly, it will be the greatest, most important sacrifice I could ever make.

November 16, 2011

No matter how hard you try, there's always going to be a day where you can't be as strong as you can be... There will be days where you just break down and cry. There will be days where you feel like you hate the world, or that the world hates you. There will be days where you wish you could just evaporate... And there will be people that will bring back memories that you wish you didn't have, fears that you thought you overcame, and burdens that you thought you got rid of long ago. But do not be discouraged.. We are all human. It's okay to be sad, angry, or even bitter at times. You just have to remember that things aren't, and will not, always be this way. Go ahead and tuck down your head for a while, but never forget to hold it up high again. That's the hardest part, but the most important. Today has been hard, one of these days... But I'm going to find my strength again, somehow. I am thankful that I have people that are helping me through this... Because it is impossible to go through life alone.

November 21, 2011

I understand that some days are not as good as we could have hoped, and that sometimes, life is hard. HOWEVER, I am tired of reading about how people want to give up, their life sucks and should just be over, life isn't worth the pain, how things aren't exactly how they want it or how it's not perfect, so it's not worth it, etc... And I'm not trying to be mean. I want these people to listen to me, because I have been there and done all of that: Life is always worth it. No, it's not going to be easy all the time... It's not going to be perfect, or even the happiest or greatest all the time. But I promise, it is worth it. Yes, there are days where it is okay to be down, but you have got to look forward and remember that everything does get better. These bad days, these trials.. They only help us see the better things, the things worth while.. they help us feel happiness. It's going to hurt sometimes, and that's normal. But, you have to be ready for days, weeks, months, or even years like this. But if you try to stay positive, I promise you it gets better. It took me sixteen years to figure that one out. And now, I try my best to stay positive... And find that there are so many things worth it out there. And life is so precious! Every single life is a huge blessing in itself. People die every day, and many of them are premature deaths- 'The good die young'. It is sad and unfortunate... But it's sad to see so many people who would wish this upon themselves in some way, when really, life isn't all that bad if you stay positive... Flowers still grow during a storm, because they always turn to the light. I have known too many people (and all good people, too) that have died, one way or another- and too soon. And too many of them could have prevented their deaths. And it kills me to think about all the pain I see in people's posts. But, it doesn't have to be that way. Call me a dreamer, but we could all live happier lives if we all just stopped for a moment and found something we are thankful for that made us smile, even if it was just for a second... I guess what I am trying to say is to be happy- if you just look around you, there are so many good things. You just have to take the risk of opening up, so that the light can shine through. And I say all of this because every person that is on my Facebook friends list means something to me... And I want the best for each and every one. But what good am I if I don't say anything? Maybe all someone needs to hear is this? It's what changed my life, and I owe it to the one who said it to me.

November 27, 2011

One of these days... You will understand why I have been so down, why I have been different, why I have been moodier, why I want to go away all the time... One of these days, you'll hear something that makes you so mad that all you're going to want to do is yell at me and tell me I am wrong. One of these days, you'll tell everyone what I told you, and humiliate me and make me regret being honest (whether you intend to or not). One of these days, you'll use all of your power to try and change my mind and do what you think is right...
But one of these days, you'll find that I am a lot stronger than you think, and I will never change my mind. One of these days, you'll see that I'd rather go through all of this pain and sorrow just to do what I feel is right. One of these days, you'll see me stand up and defend what I believe, even when I'll be the only one on my side. One of these days, you will be able to see the good changes in me, because I will be able to show and live them freely.
I just hope that, one of these days, you'll still be able to love and accept me... Just as much as you do now. And I only hope that, one of these days, I'll be able to show you that we still won't be all that different at all...

Later that day:

About to go to sleep, knowing that this next week is the beginning of the month of CHAOS! No less than EIGHT concerts (probably missing one somewhere...), approximately FIVE rehearsals... Plus a whole lot of little things that are just going to add up... Oh yeah.. PLUS we have SCHOOL to fit in there somewhere.. HAHA. That's funny... Welp. It can't be worse than Junior year. (Oh.. Sorry Juniors!) Let the nightmare begin XD (Okay.. .it's not a nightmare... But ask me in three weeks how I feel... Maybe I'll change my answer). ♥

December 1, 2011

There is truth in the phrase 'HE has a plan for me', for I learn every day just how true it is... And this plan consists of amazing friends who help me see things that I have blinded myself to. I think after we do a little more talking... I might be able to see myself like others think I should. It's not going to be easy, but... since when was the word 'easy' ever in the definition of life? Thank you [insert friends' names here] (from which most of this is based off of their conversations with me) for being such amazing friend who always are there for me and are always helping me see the good in... well... everything. I know I am far from perfect, and I'm still working on becoming the person I would be acceptable with being... But I guess I do need to remember that I am a child of God, and I have infinite worth... (Thank you, Rachel). And there truly is no one else like me out in the world (with both the good and the bad sides of me). And for that reason, I need to be okay with myself... I didn't know just how much I effected those around me, and I need to be proud of who I am, even with my faults... Because, I really could be so much worse. By no means am I perfect... and by no means am I going to settle for this. But I can't keep downing myself for my imperfections. It just makes me human. And maybe, in some cases, that makes me a better person than I make myself out to be. I need to accept what I have done and what is passed, and learn to grow from it, rather than let it restrict me. And by no means is this going to be easy. I understand that... But I know that, with God's help, anything is possible.. I just have to remember and keep my faith. I may not understand or even know everything, but based off of what I do know, I am going to try my best to trust in things and let myself be set free..

That Kicked-In-the-Butt Kind of Week...

Ummm... Yeah.

This week completely murdered me.

I feel like death warmed over. Jooooyyyy :P
Let me just rant... That my 4th hour is a all of the following:

Stupid, babbling, pizzicato-ing, obnoxious, rude, annoying, cruel, headache starting, rowdy, ridiculous, frustrating, laaaaaame, and out-of-pitch little children who only seem to know how to pick their nose (metaphorically speaking) who can't even put their own STINKIN' music in their folders! LAME! ... stupid freshman... NO OFFENSE, BUT I AM SICK AND TIRED OF PICKING UP AFTER LITTLE ANNOYING PEOPLE WHO GIVE ME ATTITUDE AND ARE RUDE AND DESTRUCTIVE TO THE INSTRUMENTS THAT THEY DON'T HAVE PERMISSION TO PLAY AND DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE! But ooohhhhh I am SO stupid.. I mean, I'm ONLY a flippin' senior who is FIRST CHAIR! But noooo! 'I hate it when people tell me what to do, especially people who are only a couple years older than me and think they know what they're talking about.'
I mean- REALLY?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! URG! There is a REASON I'm FIRST CHAIR, 'sweetheart'. And you wonder why you're only FOURTH?! Try SHUTTING YOUR MOUTH and PAYING ATTENTION. O.M.G.

Anyway... Now that y'all know how much I just LOVE my fourth hour, let's move on to even better news!!
Sorta...

So... I don't remember if I said anything or not.. But yeah, I asked a boy to Winter Formal... Ummm... A  month ago. What? Ummm... Yeah. 4 weeks ago... tomorrow. And guess what? NO ANSWER! I mean, love this kid to death, but REALLY?! Pleeeaaaase answer me! I am going CRAZY! It would really make my week if he just... answered me tomorrow... It would make this whole week worth it.. but I bet he won't :( BUT, hopefully next week!

Ummm.. OH! We started out songs for ASL. I'm doing the song ASL... And I am obsessed and in love with it!

OH! DUH! BIGGEST NEWS!

I GOT MY SURGERY! My gallbladder is officially gone.. And I am on a quick recovery... True, it's been like... a month since.. LOL, but whatevs.

Ummm... Kinda mad at this moment. Stress.. same difference. Life is like... Making me made. Well, more like people. So... I'm going to stop recording my anger LOL. I'll write when I'm not mad...

So yeah... SAT Saturday... And yeah! So goodbye for right now... Hopefully I'm return soon.. Kbye :)

The Present...

Sometimes, I admit, I take the here and now for granted. But after reading my old posts, I realize just how much I have grown... I had so much hurt and anger buried inside me, a mere seven months ago... That one of those fascinating things about time... It's hard to see how much someone is growing if you just look at the here and now. But looking over great spans of time, such as I just did, I can easily see how far I've come. And, to be quite honest, I am very happy with life right now. Sure, it is SO far from perfect... But why should I complain? I am living! I have a heart that is beating... That in itself is such a miracle and blessing.

There's that word again: miracle. But this time, it's not used in such a negative context, is it? Miracles surround us every day.

A lot has gone on the last few days alone, especially since my most recent post (excluding the one I posted earlier today). On Tuesday, October 11th, I had surgery. I had surgery to remove my gallbladder. This was an incredible blessing, as I have been experiencing pain and issues for over a year because of it... And now it's gone! True, I am in pain because of the incisions, but those will fade away soon. But I will no longer be held back by my gallstones.
The other major thing I did was I asked someone to Winter Formal. Yes... You didn't read that incorrectly: I asked a boy to Winter Formal. I know, right? I actually asked him! Now I'm just waiting for his answer... And I hope he says yes! That would basically make my life...! It's been lots of fun, watching him trying to figure it out. And then, after he had figured out who it was, it got quite funny  talking to him.. because neither of us mentioned that we knew, but I could see it in his eyes. It's all good fun. But, he's making me wait for his answer, because it took me 9 days to ask him.. (I gave him a clue each day). I guess I asked for it. Oh well!
Just overall, life has been pretty good. I have been having fun and all, and I've been doing alright in school. I can feel that things are going to be getting better soon. I just have to worry about recovery. I have about 4 more days until school starts again, so I need to get better.
I am looking forward to some good days, though. Let it begin!

The Past...

Before this blog, I had a different blog... Basically has the same name and everything... But at one point, I had forgotten my log-in information, etc... Long story short: I created a new one because I lost access to the old one. There aren't hardly any post on that one, but I think they are important, in order to portray my personal growth...
So... I want to publish my old posts on this new blog:

February 27, 2011

In Arizona, snow is a rare thing... But as I sat, curled up on the couch at my house, I looked out the window and saw snow falling down. For twenty minutes, I stood outside, dancing in the snow. It was a blissful feeling as the flakes fell upon me. Even though I was very cold, I felt a warm feeling inside my heart. I had always had a dream in my life that I'd get to stand in the snow when I was at home. And there's something about snow falling in one of the warmest cities, I'd say, in the US that makes me feel like I experienced a miracle.

Miracles...

It's a funny word to me.

People say, 'I could use a miracle right now.' It's definitely over-used. I am sooooo guilty of this.

But lately, it's one of those things I'm trying to deny that I need: a miracle. Some situations seem impossible. And it would take a miracle to turn things around. I want more than anything to turn things around. I've been thinking a lot about my experiences in life. And just for the few moments I did, I started to cry.

Why?

Because I'm a fighter... And I've wanted to stop fighting a lot lately. I've wanted to give in to opposing forces. But I realized that it's not about me... It's about the people I love. I know that if I was to give up or give in, I'd be hurting the people I care about. The last thing I EVER would want to do was hurt someone I care about.

Perhaps that's why I cried. I felt pained thinking about the effect I had on others. And for them, I'd go to the ends of the world. If it meant they never were to hurt, I'd sacrifice all my happiness. What's funny, though, if that I get my happiness by seeing my loved ones happy. I could never be happy if someone I cared about was unhappy. So, I guess happiness for my friends is a win-win situation.

I will admit... It is hard. Happiness is a choice, and a hard one. It's easy to just give in and let go... But anyone can choose to be happy. It's just super hard. I have failed many times at choosing happiness, as have many people on a regular basis. 'Tis life! It happens! But, it doesn't mean that I have an excuse. I still am going to try to be happy... If  not for me, for the ones I love.

It's fun how a little bit of snow can make me think of all of that... I wonder if, perhaps, it is a sign...

March 1, 2011

Yesterday was a Monday. There's a quote that I think is quite funny... 'They say Mondays are the most productive days of the week. I am out to change this ugly statistic.' Haha... I'd say true that! But, I don't try to change it... It just happens. Mondays are not good days for me, generally. And yesterday definitely wasn't the best day of my life, by far.

It started off by the fact that I couldn't sleep the whole night. I'd drift off for maybe a half an hour or so, but then I'd be up again, wide awake, for about an hour. This really frustrated me, because I definitely needed a lot of sleep. I had been very sick the night before, and I didn't want to be sick during school. (Note: By sick, I don't mean cold/flu/fever sick. I'd describe it as... Physically sick? I suppose...) But sure enough, the whole day consisted of being sick.

Usually, my A hour (which starts at 6:45 in the morning) is where the trouble begins. Yesterday, it went pretty smoothly. I took a test and made up a quiz. Granted, I don't think I did very well on them, but I was able to stay awake (and relatively functional) for the whole hour and 15 minutes.

It was actually first hour where I ran into problems. My first hour is choir, which usually relieves me of my problems through music. But, for some reason, the music wasn't working like it usually does on me. At one point, we were all in a big circle, around the piano. Our director had us sit on the floor as we worked over some parts to a song. I was seated a little bit out of the circle, so I was partially blocked from view. There was also the piano, which blocked me from over half of the class's view. Ultimately, when I got sick (how I got sick, I won't say.), I was in a position where no one was able to see me. I'm actually kinda glad about this only to the extent that I didn't want people freaking out. Sure, I was light-headed and seconds from passing out... I just wanted to get over it. So, I tried. But it followed me to 3rd hour. (Second hour was quite uneventful).

In third hour, which is orchestra, I was on edge real badly. Third hour is orchestra, so I was nervous about handling a cello in my state. But I did. We were out on stage, practicing for our concert (TODAY!). I was shaky and didn't feel good at all. But I tried to carry on. It was tricky, if I say so myself. I was most concerned about dropping the cello. A few girls knew about the situation, and they were all sitting pretty close to me. I guess that was a comforting thing, that if anything was to happen, they'd 'have my back.' I'm not sure how, but I made it through the class without any major events.

So I went to lunch. I sat at the usual table, but at first, there was only one person there. Usually, there at least three people there. So it was just the two of us for a while, until two more friends came to sit down. But before they came, I got to talk to my friend, Jenny. She was the first person at the table. And it was really good to talk to Jenny. Usually, we don't talk a whole lot, but it was good to talk again. I guess I get distracted a lot. So when Aly and Rachel came, Jenny soon left to go somewhere. During this time, I got really sick again. This time, it was a different kind of sick, and people actually noticed this time. It was weird for me, because I don't really like attention, especially if I'm sick. But there wasn't anything I could do from being sick. So I just let if happen. I don't remember too much after that... until fourth hour.

Fourth hour is Anatomy. I was kinda nervous about going back to this class because I had fallen asleep on Friday in the middle of the review, and I'm sure I made my teacher really mad... I felt bad, because I actually had a legit reason why... not that it makes the situation any better, it just might have come across differently. (I'm on a medication that makes me waaaaaay tired at completely random times of day.) But I went to class like normal (and stayed awake the whole time, might I add.) We had out test on the Cardiovascular system. On the multiple choice portion of the test, I did poorly... I have yet to see how I did on the diagrams portion. I'm  hoping I did well. But otherwise, it was uneventful.

Fifth hour was pretty uneventful too. Just writing an essay and (for me) daydreaming. Hey, it beats the fact that I'm usually put to sleep within 10 minutes in that class... Teacher's fault! I say this because... well, if you have a warm classroom at 1:00 in the afternoon (after lunch, might I add), with the lights off for at least half the class every day, then you have a recipe for disaster. Just saying...

Then it was TRACK!

Aha, track. I love it. well, not yesterday, I didn't. We started off with our half a mile warm up (which my body never seems to like, even on a good day). Then we stretched, yada yada yada. But it was actually when the whole team split off to practice in the specific events (throwing, for me), when the yuck factor came in. Apparently, someone had left a disc out in the field the week before... So, our coach made us run half a mile for it. For me, it was just... painful. If i wasn't feeling sick before, I was now. Then, we had to actually throw. The thought of throwing at that moment seemed to be like the thought of going on a 15 mile hike in less than an hour: pretty hard, if not, impossible.

But I managed it. It was fairly uneventful. Usually, we're laughing and such... but we were all just way too.. tired? I'd say that's pretty close to right. The only really specific thing I remember about all of this was anger... but that comes later. After we threw for about an hour and fifteen minutes, we went to the weight room for our lifting workout. This was harder than usual, but me and my workout buddies made it through. After that, it was sprints and 30 second blitz (aka minute and a half of temporary hell)... Ab stuff. Essential to throwers, but never any fun.

Basically, after that, coach talked to us and then we were done. By that point, it was 5:45. I realized I had a choir audition in 10 minutes. Oh my gosh...

I got there in time, I guess. No one said anything if I was late. I started with sight singing. 7 out of 10. Eh, not that bad. Then I went in and the directors (yes, two of them) ran me through some things to test range, memory, etc. I guess I did okay. I'm hoping to make the choirs I want next year. But, the whole time, I felt like I was having a seizure on the inside. It was so hard ot concentrate on anything. I was feeling really beat, too.

I drove home and basically flopped on Facebook and picnik.com. I was stressed out emotionally, and didn't really want to talk to my mom. (The grandparents are in Hawaii until a week from Sunday. WOOT!) I ended up venting to Rachel about what I was angry about.. and then, really suddenly, I got sick again. And it discombobulated things. Everything was weird after that... Eventually, I got in a fight with my mom and went to bed, angry. Which means sleep was.. uh... yeah, not so good.

But I was also still raving mad. I was mad at someone.. How do I explain this.... Well, there was a person in my life that wasn't exactly the best person to be in my life. They did a lot of things that were just... Cruel to me. And one of the things came back to me, and reminded me of some things. It really turned into a crying situation at first, then the 'holy cow I'm gonna break someone in half' kind of anger. I'm feeling better today about it, but i'm still mad. And it real ate at me yesterday... And I'm thinking it might be this way today.

Today I have an orchestra concert... But, I don't have school 'til noon. It's only first through third hour... It's going to be an easy day. But I'm just concerned about being sick and all...

Yesterday was rough, and I'm hoping today is better. But I had my friends there all day yesterday, and it really made all the difference. I'm glad that they are there for me. I'm just caught up on things... Let's hope for a better day!

Fallen From Heaven...

Just a few of my Facebook thoughts from the last week or two:

August 30, 2011- Let me tell you: I know what I want and I'll get it the right way. So to y'all who want to hate on me for my future goals: Oh. Well. I know who I am and I know what's right for me. Nothing anyone says will take away what's important to me. I won't give up my happiness for someone else's opinions. Just trust me. If I make mistakes, then I'll learn. But there are some things that will change my life for the better. I'm okay with that, and you should be too. I'll be the same Katie, only happier.

September 12, 2011-  The somewhat awkward moment where all you can think about is one thing and that one thing makes you kinda feel weak at the knees and... kinda funny.. and a little dizzy... and actually quite happy... and makes you ramble... anywho... Ya know those, right? Well... I don't mind... right now. Though, it won't be the best thing when there are people to see the... 'side-effects' of these particular... (cough) phases.

September 18, 2011- 'You need to know the difference between power and love in a family.'

Later on September 18, 2011- I am reminded daily how blessed I am. I have some of the best friends any person could even pray for, and dreams that are bold, daring, and also possible. I have aspirations and goals for myself, and I think I'm starting to get a good head on my shoulders. My heart has been able to love and trust after everything, which is a blessing in itself, because being able to has brought me some of the greatest happiness. And though the times will get hard, ever moment will just be yet another gift ♥

September 19, 2011- Why should anyone hate today? Or yesterday? Or any day? Everything that happens, no matter how good or bad, is a blessing. Every single day we receive is another day alive. Every trial grants us wisdom that we could not have gained otherwise. Every good moment strengthens bonds and grants us happy memories to cherish for a lifetime. So, instead of hating today, yesterday, or some tomorrow in the future, accept the pain as a chance to be a stronger, wiser person, and hope for a better horizon.

 So, I admit... The last few post I  had posted we seriously down. It's bound to happen, right? Well... It happened. But, I have come to find that there was a whole lot that was being lost in translation, in a way. So... I'm back on my feet! Well... No. Take that back. I've been swept off my feet. But, I'll go into that later!
So, one of the biggest helps is bridging the canyons that I had felt growing between me and my friends (which weren't really canyons, but more like a thick fog). And boy, have we all been talking these days! That's the thing about life: Completely unpredictable!
I think one of the biggest changes these days has a lot to do with personal feelings... AKA boys... I know... Typical topic for a seventeen year old girl to talk about, right? But what girl can resist that flutter of the heart, that swooping in her chest when he looks at her, the constant thoughts about someone who makes you happy to no end...

But it all started years ago... Okay... so, this is going to sound so lame. I totally see that now: fighting for something that would never, ever, EVER happen. I had now this boy all my life... And we were, in a sense, best friends... But time and space drew us apart. And maybe that's why I thought I liked him so much? I missed that good friend of mine, and I'm willing to bet that my 'feelings' for him was merely a form of grief in the sense that I miss spending time with him. But I spent years fighting for what I thought was my true love... I thought that I could never feel anything stronger for anyone in the whole wide world. (Boy, was I wrooooong!) But I waited and waited, assuming that I had to wait for him to 'realize we were meant to be together.' Yeah right. If you have to wait for years for something that never was, then it most definitely isn't what you'd call 'true love.' And now that I am looking back, I realize how... elementary, maybe junior high, this whole thing was. But, it wasn't all bad.
About a month ago, I felt oddly sad about this whole thing with this boy. I was in that 'down' part of my life. I admitted to myself that I was being basically ridiculous with this whole thing. I sat down one night and told myself, 'Katie, the game is over. You have to move on.' So... I did. It seemed hard at first, forcing my mind to forget about my 'feelings' for this boy. But it after a couple days, it was easy. I had been fighting to 'make things work' so hard that I hadn't realized that there really wasn't anything to fight for.
The thing that is amazing about 'giving up' on one this is that you discover something worth you time, your efforts, those countless hours spent thinking about that one person... Maybe all that time of hoping for the wrong thing made it nearly impossible for me to realize that my heart was somewhere else. I have had little thoughts about it before, but I had never registered them until I had erased all the things I was fighting for, but to no avail.

I probably will sound vague, but only to... I don't know... Protect certain identities and what not. But... I wasn't but two weeks over this last thing when I fell (face first) for someone else. But this? This wasn't like crashing down. I was swept up off my feet and set down. (Sure, fell face first... It happened too fast for me to comprehend!) And, to be honest... I haven't ever felt this way before. Not even with that 'love of my life' that, up until about a month ago, I was 'in love with.' Haha. Wow.
But this has reached a whole new world, a whole new realm of emotions. It's quite odd at times, wondering how and why I feel this way... But I actually have reasons this time! (As in, it's not just a face and an old identity that I am 'head over heals for') This person... One of the greatest guys I have ever met.
Let me just tell you... He is truly an amazing guy. He is always respectful, kind, caring, and cheery to every person, whether he likes them as a person or not, and especially so to girls. He is a good friend (truly one of my best friends for a while now) and he has always been a good friend, not just to me, but to every one I see him interact with. He has such high morals and lives his life admirably.

And then there are some other things... Like... His eyes. (I'm a sucker for green.) Aaaannndddd... His love for music (Music is my life). And there's the fact that he's the one guy who has treated me best over time. And. Oh yeah. His voice. He sings like an angel. No big deal, right? But ask anyone: He has an amazing voice. (Me and some people joke that he's a green eyed angel... Long story, but it all started when somebody said the pick-up line: 'Did you fall from heaven? Because you look like an angel.')
The thing is... There is a highly unlikely chance that anything would ever happen. But there is a huge difference between this and that other boy. This boy treats me like I am a person. He talks to me, spends time with me, cares about me as a friend. That other boy... It was as if I never existed. If I didn't try with all my mind to even keep communication up with him, he wouldn have just let us go our separate ways, and probably wouldn't have thought twice.
So, even though it might not lead to anything, I won't fight this. (I can't!) I'll let my heart skip a beat ever time he looks at me or talks to me. I'll let him swarm my thoughts and dreams. So what? This is all my heart. It's not my brain this time. And I know that no matter what, we'll still be friends. I don't have to try with all my heart and mind to just talk to him... He goes out of his way to talk to me. So, what's wrong with feeling this way for someone who makes me feel good? Like someone who matters? Is there anything wrong with wishful thinking? Only as long as I can distinguish the difference between wishful thinking and reality. :)

I guess the good thing about this is that it is a major happiness in my life. It has sparked many conversations with friends. I has given me a new appreciation of daily life. It's given me hope, not just about life and people, but about my life any my future. So what what is it's a dead end? SO what? Happiness is happiness, and hope is hope. Both are priceless gifts. And you know what? What if it does lead to something? I won't kid myself- it is more than likely it won't - but, I am taking risks. I am living. And taking little risks like that is a good sign. It means that I am in a good place right now. I am learning things every day. I am growing stronger every single day.
Speaking of getting stronger... I feel as if I truly am getting a good head on my shoulders. I'm crossing frontiers that I never thought I would cross again...

Just the other day, I was thinking about my past. But this time, unlike the millions of times i have done this, I thought about it in an unemotional way. I thought about everything that has been done to me, everything I have lived though, all the mistakes I have made, and all the things I have witnessed... All of the things I wish I could have changed. And to be honest, I don't recognize that girl anymore. She was scared, hopeless, hurt, broken, hiding. But who am I? I have hope for my future... I am not broken, but mending. The pain isn't as sharp anymore, because I have things that make it worth while... I have a purpose. I have a potential that I can fulfill because of my experiences. I don't live in constant fear every day of my life. I won't lie- I will never get over the things that have happened. But, I will not be changed or held captive by these things. Instead, they will set me free. they have given me a mission, a purpose, a goal, and something to fight for.

So when I was thinking about that little girl... Those vivid images of crying, hiding, cowering away from the couple people who hurt me most... Vague memories of being little and hiding in my room, or running away from home (even if it was only for a night not more than half the apartment complex I lived in away) no longer scare me like they used to. Sure, these same things could easily happen again. Sure, I will never forget what has happened. But it is because of this that I am a stronger person. The difference between the me now, and the me before high school is that now I am a fighter. I used to want to give up, back in junior high. I didn't used to think the pain is worth it. Sure, it will hurt. Life hurts sometimes. But I have a higher sense of faith. I know that everything that happens, happens for a reason. Every person that dies is in a better place, and imprints a legacy on my life. Every time someone hurts me, I gain the experience and am able to relate to someone else struggling with the same pain...

Perhaps the most meaningful Facebook status I have posted was that last one at the top of this blog. Every trial is just being granted wisdom. Every joy is a memory made. And it is so hard to remember that, sometimes. But I have such an amazing support system here. They catch me when I fall and whisper the caring, soft reminder of everything I stand for and everything I have been through. I pride myself as a fighter. It means a lot to me to be considered one, too. My life is by far the easiest, but by far the worst. Granted, not many people in this world could have walked through my life and lived to be as strong as I consider myself. (And yes, in comparison, I am a very strong person.) I will not deny that i used to do stupid things because of my trials, that I submitted to things that were shameful on my end. But here is yet another big difference: I saw the error of my ways. I stopped using my past as an excuse, and turned it into my passion... My passion to make a difference. To try and stop things like this from happening. I can't help people if I can't even help myself. True, I have quite a way to go, but I am making progress. What else can anyone hope for?
I could go on forever about the things I have notice about myself these last few weeks. And hopefully they make it into later posts. But I am realizing, slowly but surely, that I'm not as bad of a person as I have thought myself to be. In a lot of ways, I am very brave. I face these trials every day of my life, but I do not let them define me, not do i let them chain me down. I am proud of who I am and for what people see me as now. Everyone makes mistakes, and I'm glad I got a lot of them out of my system. Sometimes, people say that that makes me a stronger person, because I can admit to my old faults and chose to never go back.
I love being able to see myself grow. And for a long time, I wasn't able to see it. But, I see it now. I can see it in photographs! I can see it in my own eyes when I look at them. I can see hope and potential... as lame as it sounds, I truly can. I'm not afraid to smile anymore... Because that means that I have a future. And I like that... :)
To wrap things up, I want to put in a very important quote on here.Two sets of background:
1) When I first heard this quote, I was in 7th grade, in a Survivor's counseling group. (Truth was,w e were not only survivors, but current fighters of the trials that we had previously survived.) And the counselor would read this quote to us at the end of every session... I heard this quote for two years.

2) On my binder for school, I made a collage. Each picture has words on it. I have one with me and three of my best friends on the day we dressed up for the premier of the 7th Harry Potter movie (part one), one of my grandpa holding my deceased half sister (The quote saying, 'To love, you must be willing to let go. To let you, you must be willing to love.") I have three of my cousin Jasolyn, (One is of her and her cousin, Cynthia, and it says, 'When you dream, dream big.' The other two, were posted with the post with Jasolyn's story) I have a picture of me playing my cello, with the quote , "Let music never die in me. Let music live.' (From the song The Awakening.) Then I have a picture I took of a rose in my grandma's garden, with the quote 'Even if love is full of thorns, I'd still embrace it for I know in between those thorns, there is a rose worth all the pain.' And last, but not least, in the middle (paired with the rose picture) is a picture of.. a daisy, I believe. All i know is that it is a picture of a flower from my grandma's garden, with a quote on this flower. Surrounding this quote are the words Love, Faith, Strength, Truth, Friends, and Hope. I love this picture, because it means me, in many ways. the quote:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things

I can not change, the strength to change the
things I can, and the wisdom to know the

difference.

This quote will forever mean something to me, and I holds a special place in my heart. And when times get rough, I tell myself to remember this. I will forever fight and continue to get stronger. Now for the great new adventure of tomorrow... <3

Saving Grace

So...
It's been a somewhat numb day for me. I woke up sick this morning, probably from crying so much last night. I was really upset about everything. But I did what I knew I could do to comfort myself: I turned to God. And I prayed. For a long time. At first, I felt so much worse. But, in an odd way, it was like sucking out venom from a bad rattlesnake bite. It got out all of the major pain from my hear. I understood the problems and pain that was tormenting me... but it wasn't trapped inside me, anymore.

This did something fairly weird... I woke up completely numb... I mean, I still was a little tormented a little by these things happening, but it wasn't sucking the life from me anymore....
And I realized that I'm not alone. There are still people who care.... And understand. I have three girls that I've been talking to over the last day.... One has been my friend for a long time, another has been a good friend of mine for a long time, and the other is a girl in my second hour, who has been following my post. So, here's to her.
To be completely honest, I never EVER expected anyone to read my post, let alone reach out like that. And it seriously made everything seem so much more... realistic. Before, it was surreal. I couldn't even comprehend anything that was happening. But now I have grasped it, and I am basically going to take the high road. I can't let this all forget about what is important. And for a while there, it was fogging it all.
Even though these memories are cracked with painful little moments, I have to remember all my little leaps of faith... Some call them revelations or epiphanies. And over the last... year? I have had so many... And not only about my faith in God, but my faith in life, people, and myself. Once upon a time, I used to let myself get abused, one way or another, by several people, because I was convinced I was so worthless that I deserved nothing better. But, over time... I learned that I do have worth. I like ot believe that everyone is a child of God, despite what anyone says... and every child of God has infinite worth, in one way or aanother. Every person has a purpose that puts them here... Whether it's a girl who gets married and has children, a boy who finds a cure for an illness... or just a girl that always smiles at you when you walk down the halls... Everything we do is another reason why we are important on this earth.
Now, I admit... I still have horrible self esteem... but I know that I have things to offer this world. Every trial I have been through gives me knowledge... And with this knowledge, I'm going to take it and help traumatized kids... help them find their worth. I'm going to save them from the black hole that trauma causes. No matter how bad things get, I have to remember that I am a fighter, a survivor. and even though I feel like giving up or giving in, I know that I have over come some of the hardest things a girl can go through. And I don't mean this to sound like a boast or anything... It's just how it is. And as much as I despise all of what happened to me, very few people can stand on their own two feet... pull their life together from rock bottom... and then turn back and put themselves in the middle of the pain to help someone else. And yes, that's what I'm going to do, because it's the only way I will get justice for what I have been through... The only way that the pain can go away for me.

So, even though I'm not liking all of this pain, I am much better now that I was. I was able to vent and reach out, and a couple hands grabbed on and are keeping me afloat. Granted, I can't guarantee I will be able to hold my head up high like I usually do.... or hide behind a smile. I do that a lot... But I will try, because I always give things a try before I give up... and I usually try for a long time. But even if this all is so, I have people on my side... I know that someone cares, which makes fighting all of these issues so much easier. Now it's time to climb the mountain and hope for the best....

Thinking About Heaven....

Things are just moving too fast.

I Can hardly catch my breath before it's knocked out of me again.
I almost feel like I am watching my life happen a minute behind reality. I watch as the moments that are good disappear because I don't embrace them... And then the bad ones linger because of my lack of reaction.
I feel like people expect me to be super-hero strong. I have all these people laying everything on me, whether it's by actions they do or things they say. And I just am not strong enough to carry them around anymore.
Basically... anytime anyone is frustrated, mad, worried, or WHATEVER... I am supposed to take their negative end of it. And then when I try reaching out to people... Most of the time ignored or brushed away. Or maybe they aren't. But people are definitely treating me differently. I am suddenly... Gosh, I don't know... Maybe I'm contaminated. Or maybe I am suddenly annoying. Or maybe they have changed. Or maybe I have changed. I can't keep up! I can't even breath... Just when I feel things get a little better, someone smashes it down. I can't handle feeling completely alone. I've been there before, and I don't wanna go back.

And it's not like I can go ANYWHERE and be just alone... My room is always being intruded on, when people come in and insult me, nag at me and tell me how lousy I am... Or to throw my things around and give me and my little tiny living space a dirty look... Or to give me more orders about things I HAVE to do, that really, I don't have to, they just want to control every. single. flipping. moment. of. my. life.
CONTROL!
OH
MY
GOSH!
I have lost all control for EVERYTHING. I have no life anymore. I just... somehow lost right to have my own life, no matter how much I try... And it is killing me! I need something I can call mine in my life, but someone has seized control on everything I like or care about.
I wish things could be like they were a few months ago... When I was happy. Now, I am so unhappy most of the time. And I hate being unhappy. I try to be happy... But everything that makes me happy just.... it's gone. I get hardly any pure joy. And by pure joy, I mean moments that aren't effaced with bad things or taken away by someone...

And then, of coarse, someone has to die. And now I don't think I'll be happy again for a long while. Maybe that means a week. Maybe months... But someone that I loved and cared about is just... gone. Yes, she's not in pain anymore and she's in such a good place... But everything that we knew together and ALL of our shared memories... GONE. Just like that. And it kills me to know that ever little piece of me can just disappear in a split second. This thought makes me feel so worthless that it almost makes me feel stupid for thinking life is worth living. But hey, I won't deny... when life is good, it's worth every moment of pain. But am I going to reach a good time any time soon?
The thing that somehow has popped up everywhere today is Homecoming. In september. And that makes me feel even more worthless. I'm a senior in high school... not once even been asked to a dance, let alone been to a school dance. Am I really that bad? I mean, really? People tell me I'm nice, pretty blah blah blah, and they wonder why I don't believe it? Well, part of it is the fact that I have never had a boy seriously look at me and like me more than just a friend.... No one who thought I worth a chance... even if it was as simple as putting up with me for a couples at a school dance, even just as friends.

I won't admit it in person.... But I want more than anything to be asked to a school dance. I don't want to just go by myself or with a group of friends who either weren't asked or didn't want to be asked... And i am tired of sitting at home and missing out. I'm still a girl, everybody... I want to feel beautiful... for just one night. And I know I make excuses for why I don't want to go... But I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm not missing anything. So what if the dances are weird or boring? I want to be able to say I went... I want to be able to say that someone asked me.... But no one has, and I don't anyone ever will. And it makes me want to cry. Or maybe it's just one thing too many for me.

Ug. I can't even think about it. I think I might die come the last few days before Homecoming when everyone is asking me who I'm going with... And I get to tell them that I never got asked... and that I'm not going... And I get to pretend that it's no big deal as they get that awkward look on their face... I get to pretend that my heart isn't shattered and broken from rejection

*sigh*
I am screaming out here.... and I still don't think anyone will hear me. I just need someone to know... to understand... to let me in their life... maybe give me a reason to prove myself wrong about life... I pray that it happens... but I can't expect anything. People are people... Life is life... And it just seems that both want to ostracize me. Oh, cool. I see how it is. I'll put myself on the chopping block again, I suppose. I'm just scared that this one more time will all I can take. Someone please... please help me. Please. If anyone reads this... Please. Say something to me. Anything. Please.... Please. I'm drowning and reaching out for a saving grace. All my oxygen has been pulled out of my lungs and I'm gasping for air.. Please help me. Please. I know I need help.Someone take a chance on me...

Woah

Woah....

Woah, woah, woah!
Can life like... slow down a little? I can't keep up!
So... in nine days? Ha. Check this:
Been to the ER twice. Been on a mental breakdown... like... eight billion times HA. Been happier than I can remember: a couple times. Been oblivious to the problems around me: a few hours... maybe a whole day? ha. Said hello to someone I haven't seen in basically a year: one. Said goodbye to someone I won't see for probably... years: one. Ummmm... I don't know. I like... Can't even remember much of anything going on right now.
I... I er.. HA! I am on percocets. Yeah. Kinda. Woah.  Not fun. I mean, there are times where it's the best ever because I just can't feel... anything. But at other times, such as walking... I HATE the dang things!
Anywho... I don't really want to write much, mainly because my memory just... sucks right now. But hopefully we will have some... Stuff. to share. soon. Yaaaaay.

Last Night

Last night's post made me think a lot. And I'm thinking now. And it seems like this whole post is the biggest, stinking mistake of my life. It's cowardly to think this, but now my problems are out for everyone to see. Honestly, I'd have rather just... kept them all inside and just keep pretending I'm okay. I mean, I know I should be getting help, but I don't want it. The more I've thought about it, the more I feel like I am just done trying. I want to give up, submit to whatever is happening. It would be so easy to quite. And I am almost at the point where I don't care what people think... It's not like I will be remembered much longer after I die. Sure, I'll hopefully be in Heaven, but people on Earth just won't remember. After a while, I'll be just a number.
So, this is really bad. I'm talking like a suicidal person. First thing people ought to know about me is that yes, once upon a time, I was. Second thing people should know is that I AM NOT ANYMORE. Yeah, I THINK about it and talk like it... but there's a big difference between thinking these things just as thoughts, and thinking about them as a desire. I don't desire anymore. Sometimes, like I said, I wish I could take someone's illness and just be done with it. But apparently there's a whole other plan for me. And for some reason... I'm not too optimistic about it.
For some reason, I am the happiest unhappy person in the world. Usually when I am unhappy, I can't even smile. I can't hold it in. Well... That has changed. I haven't really told anyone any of my problems for months... Not nearly most of them. And yet, here I am... Smiling?! It's really bad, to me. But here I am, making myself a bad person. Maybe that's what I want... Maybe my subconscious mind is defeating itself. Ha... Typical me. Of coarse I destroy everything good. I suppose that's just my stinking purpose in life....
Just kidding. Sorry. A bit bitter. I'm frustrated because I want someone to talk to. But everyone that I want to talk to doesn't deserve all my crap. Really. So I am putting myself on the chopping block.
Today, I felt like I was living in a war. Or a war about to break lose. I felt like I had made THE BIGGEST mistake of my life. I've made a similar mistake before, and I basically destroyed two friendships for months. But none of us seem to be friends anymore.. But now the friends I have are probably about to walk through the same thing that happened three years ago with me. I'm a life ruiner... Seriously... Just glancing at the thought... Everything I seem to involve myself in turns sour or bittersweet. Why is that? All I want to be is helpful.. All I want is for people to be happy. Why is it, then, that people somehow find out about my feelings? Why is it that I still give in once in a while and tell someone that things are not right? Why?! Why am I such a coward?! Why am I so selfish? It's the worst thing I can do and here I am... doing it...Not able to stop.

I just... I have no idea what is wrong with me. I just want to become invisible. Between all the secrets I'm still hiding, even from this site, and all the things that is general knowledge... I just want to disappear... Sometimes I secretly wish that I'd fall asleep and not wake up for a very long time... that I'd miss everything. I know that it's stupid,but I do. I don't feel like my heart, soul, and mind can take any more.
And to be honest (even though I've been honest this whole time, I say it for reinforcement), for once, that is not my fault. I blame the person who has been calling me worthless, lazy, irresponsible, sloppy, a liar, etc to my face every day. But it's true. Oh yeah, I SO love knowing I am worthless... Way to defeat everything that I have been working on... Way to go and say that to the girl who had the worst self esteem for years and was finally starting to have a little confidence... Way to go and turn my safe haven into a prison. I honestly feel like I am suffocation. I'm not safe anywhere anymore. There's always something that 'chokes' me at every place... And I just don't know how to cope.
Long story short... I really, truly, and honestly am not okay. And I can't believe that I thought I was. And what's worse is that I was so good at pretending that everyone seemed to believe it too. All I seem to be is one big lie. What a life to live...

Music...

Music...

I'll probably talk a lot about music... Because... Music is important.

There's a song... That I am obsessed with. Here are it's lyrics:

Pieces by RED

I'm here again

A thousand miles away from you

A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am

I tried so hard

Thought I could do this on my own

I've lost so much along the way

Then I see your face

I know I'm finally yours

I find everything I thought I lost before

You call my name

I come to you in pieces

So you can make me whole

I've come undone

But you make sense of who I am

Like puzzle pieces in your hand,

Then I see your face

I know I'm finally yours

I find everything I thought I lost before

You call my name

I come to you in pieces

So you can make me whole!

I tried so hard! So hard!

I tried so hard!

Then I see your face

I know I'm finally yours

I find everything I thought I lost before

You call my name

I come to you in pieces

So you can make me whole

So you can make me whole

It's my favorite... Here's a link to the song, because it is just... Oh my goodness:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3U6BCUQqG8
This song brings tears to my eyes. I am addicted to the sounds and words of this song. "I thought I could do this on my own." Oh. My. Goodness. I mean, how many of us think this? Ummm... Don't we all? We feel we can do this. 'I'm strong enough to make it through.' And yet, most of us grasp on to things like a life vest. With me... Life is just... Hard. I have to admit it. I can't keep holding it in... And yet, I've promised myself that I'll stop spouting off my problems to my friends, as much as I can... Because I'm done with unhappiness... Except for me. I can't stand to see people hurt! But I  need to vent. Life just... It's hitting me below the belt, you know? I went to the ER this weekend (long story...), some of my family is just being... Cruel... The little things are seriously adding up and it's making my life crumble....
"I come to you in pieces so you can make  me whole."
Gosh... Pieces. Yeah, that describes my life right now: Shattered. Usually I won't admit it... I don't like to admit that there are problems. I really don't. I hate it when people pity me. It's kinda a pride thing. I just... I don't want people thinking I'm weak. I'm supposed to be a survivor, a fighter...
But I am weak.

Sometimes I feel so defeated... I feel so distant from everyone.
"Here I am a thousand miles away."
A thousand miles... I feel that far from the world. I look at my friends and feel like there is a veil between us, these days. I feel like.. No matter how much I try, either I have done something wrong, I haven't done enough, or we just aren't... What we used to be.
Sometimes I feel like a ghost, just wondering by. At other times, I feel like a celebrity. People seem to be saying my name everywhere, then at other times, it's like I'm not even there. I'm not sure if I like this or not. Maybe it's just unfamiliar... I don't like change...
"I've lost so much along the way."
What if I am losing these friends of mine? These people who mean so much to me? What if, the day after graduation, they no longer are part of my life? What if this is all temporary? What if the me everyone knows will just be a memory to them after graduation night? I don't know why, but it's a horrible thought... I mean, to be honest, without my friends here and now... my life is basically... nothing. It's basically my life right now. And I'm trying to be the best friend I can be, but it just seems to be all of a waste.
"I tried so hard."
I tried so hard... 'Tried.' Past tense. I have tried hard. But what if I'm done trying? Sometimes I feel done... Like this is just the end of a chapter and I deserve to just have to move on? What if I am forced to move on or grow up faster than I should be yet again? I mean, all my past is this way... what's the difference now?
I actually care this time...
I dodn't used to care about anything... Not really. Yeah, friends were cool... But I didn't really consider it friendship. Most of them are gone now. I didn't care about me. I mean, why should I? I was treated like nothing back then... I had nothing to care about. But no I do. I have amazing friends that I'd die for in a second. I have great family who tries their best or loves me unconditionally... I actually care about myself... Sometimes. But what if that's all going away?
I feel like... I'm wasting my time by trying to be a friend at all. and I don't. know. why. Last year, I could talk to a friend and see the friendship. Now... I feel like I'm blind. I feel like we've all drifted away over summer. And it is killing me. I want to be able to talk to my friends again. But even if I could, I probably wouldn't. I seriously can't stand to see people worry... Friends or not, I still care.
"I tried so hard. Thought I could do this on my own."

There are those words... Haunting me. I KNOW I cannot do this on my own. I know I can't. But look at me: I still am trying. I am such a fool. But I just would rather die with all my secrets than have the ones I care about worried. If something was to happen... I wouldn't want them to feel the pain before hand. Like, if I found out I had terminal cancer... No one would know. I don't think I'd tell my friends... It's cruel, I know... I know it is. but It would kill me to see a single tear shed for me, a single expression of pain or grief. It's selfish, but I'd rather die without ever seeing a face or expression like that. Or maybe it's a smart thing... I don't know. I just... I am a horrible person, and I know it.
"I've come undone."
Yes. I have. I think my psych has finally broke. Sometimes I think about dying. No, I would NEVER take my life. It hurts others too badly, and I am not that bad of a person. But... Sometimes I wish that I could take Jasolyn's cancer instead, or take the problems my friends have.. all of them. I really would die for them. And sometimes my life doesn't seem worth fighting for....
Then I see your face."
Yeah... Then there are these moment... These moment where a friend is smiling at you... Like.. When a friend skypes you and is smiling and happy. They don't care if your hair is up in curlers or if you're in pajamas, or if you're acting weird. They are just happy and the same old friend you have known all along. And it gives me a little hope.
"I find everything I thought I lost before."
My friends are still here. They must care enough to smile and say my name in the halls... They must care to still sit and have lunch with me. They must still care enough to ask how your day was... They must still care enough to give you high fives and hugs...
"I come to you in pieces so you can make me whole."
There's a reason I'd die for my friends... They have saved my life. They give me a constant reason to live. They inspire me, love me for who I am... They care. They really do, even if my heart is too strained and broken to tell... It's like looking into a broken mirror... I can see something's there, but nothing is clear...
It's a wonder that I can ever do anything when music is playing. All of this just floods my mind when I listen to this song, among other things. And it's crazy  how one song creates such powerful emotions withing me...
People need to know... No matter how much I pretend, I'm still sick... I'm still in pain... I still struggle to get out of bed every single morning... I still struggle to see beauty in life... I still am broken... I still need help. Please don't let my smile fool you.  I will never tell anymore... I just can't bring myself to admit that I'm not okay. But I guess on here I can. I don't think many people, if any, read this. If they do... Thank you. It does mean a lot. I'm sure this is just a huge big rant or whatever... But It's like a Pensieve from Harry Potter... I put all the extra memories (in this case, emotions) on here so they don't circulate in my mind anymore...
I suppose that's all I want to say for now. Time to listen to this song some more. But, not until I try optimism...
No one said life would be easy, but it will always be worth living.