So...
It's been a somewhat numb day for me. I woke up sick this morning, probably from crying so much last night. I was really upset about everything. But I did what I knew I could do to comfort myself: I turned to God. And I prayed. For a long time. At first, I felt so much worse. But, in an odd way, it was like sucking out venom from a bad rattlesnake bite. It got out all of the major pain from my hear. I understood the problems and pain that was tormenting me... but it wasn't trapped inside me, anymore.
It's been a somewhat numb day for me. I woke up sick this morning, probably from crying so much last night. I was really upset about everything. But I did what I knew I could do to comfort myself: I turned to God. And I prayed. For a long time. At first, I felt so much worse. But, in an odd way, it was like sucking out venom from a bad rattlesnake bite. It got out all of the major pain from my hear. I understood the problems and pain that was tormenting me... but it wasn't trapped inside me, anymore.
This did something fairly weird... I woke up completely numb... I mean, I still was a little tormented a little by these things happening, but it wasn't sucking the life from me anymore....
And I realized that I'm not alone. There are still people who care.... And understand. I have three girls that I've been talking to over the last day.... One has been my friend for a long time, another has been a good friend of mine for a long time, and the other is a girl in my second hour, who has been following my post. So, here's to her.
To be completely honest, I never EVER expected anyone to read my post, let alone reach out like that. And it seriously made everything seem so much more... realistic. Before, it was surreal. I couldn't even comprehend anything that was happening. But now I have grasped it, and I am basically going to take the high road. I can't let this all forget about what is important. And for a while there, it was fogging it all.
Even though these memories are cracked with painful little moments, I have to remember all my little leaps of faith... Some call them revelations or epiphanies. And over the last... year? I have had so many... And not only about my faith in God, but my faith in life, people, and myself. Once upon a time, I used to let myself get abused, one way or another, by several people, because I was convinced I was so worthless that I deserved nothing better. But, over time... I learned that I do have worth. I like ot believe that everyone is a child of God, despite what anyone says... and every child of God has infinite worth, in one way or aanother. Every person has a purpose that puts them here... Whether it's a girl who gets married and has children, a boy who finds a cure for an illness... or just a girl that always smiles at you when you walk down the halls... Everything we do is another reason why we are important on this earth.
Now, I admit... I still have horrible self esteem... but I know that I have things to offer this world. Every trial I have been through gives me knowledge... And with this knowledge, I'm going to take it and help traumatized kids... help them find their worth. I'm going to save them from the black hole that trauma causes. No matter how bad things get, I have to remember that I am a fighter, a survivor. and even though I feel like giving up or giving in, I know that I have over come some of the hardest things a girl can go through. And I don't mean this to sound like a boast or anything... It's just how it is. And as much as I despise all of what happened to me, very few people can stand on their own two feet... pull their life together from rock bottom... and then turn back and put themselves in the middle of the pain to help someone else. And yes, that's what I'm going to do, because it's the only way I will get justice for what I have been through... The only way that the pain can go away for me.
And I realized that I'm not alone. There are still people who care.... And understand. I have three girls that I've been talking to over the last day.... One has been my friend for a long time, another has been a good friend of mine for a long time, and the other is a girl in my second hour, who has been following my post. So, here's to her.
To be completely honest, I never EVER expected anyone to read my post, let alone reach out like that. And it seriously made everything seem so much more... realistic. Before, it was surreal. I couldn't even comprehend anything that was happening. But now I have grasped it, and I am basically going to take the high road. I can't let this all forget about what is important. And for a while there, it was fogging it all.
Even though these memories are cracked with painful little moments, I have to remember all my little leaps of faith... Some call them revelations or epiphanies. And over the last... year? I have had so many... And not only about my faith in God, but my faith in life, people, and myself. Once upon a time, I used to let myself get abused, one way or another, by several people, because I was convinced I was so worthless that I deserved nothing better. But, over time... I learned that I do have worth. I like ot believe that everyone is a child of God, despite what anyone says... and every child of God has infinite worth, in one way or aanother. Every person has a purpose that puts them here... Whether it's a girl who gets married and has children, a boy who finds a cure for an illness... or just a girl that always smiles at you when you walk down the halls... Everything we do is another reason why we are important on this earth.
Now, I admit... I still have horrible self esteem... but I know that I have things to offer this world. Every trial I have been through gives me knowledge... And with this knowledge, I'm going to take it and help traumatized kids... help them find their worth. I'm going to save them from the black hole that trauma causes. No matter how bad things get, I have to remember that I am a fighter, a survivor. and even though I feel like giving up or giving in, I know that I have over come some of the hardest things a girl can go through. And I don't mean this to sound like a boast or anything... It's just how it is. And as much as I despise all of what happened to me, very few people can stand on their own two feet... pull their life together from rock bottom... and then turn back and put themselves in the middle of the pain to help someone else. And yes, that's what I'm going to do, because it's the only way I will get justice for what I have been through... The only way that the pain can go away for me.
So, even though I'm not liking all of this pain, I am much better now that I was. I was able to vent and reach out, and a couple hands grabbed on and are keeping me afloat. Granted, I can't guarantee I will be able to hold my head up high like I usually do.... or hide behind a smile. I do that a lot... But I will try, because I always give things a try before I give up... and I usually try for a long time. But even if this all is so, I have people on my side... I know that someone cares, which makes fighting all of these issues so much easier. Now it's time to climb the mountain and hope for the best....
No comments:
Post a Comment