Just a few of my Facebook thoughts from the last week or two:
August 30, 2011- Let me tell you: I know what I want and I'll get it the right way. So to y'all who want to hate on me for my future goals: Oh. Well. I know who I am and I know what's right for me. Nothing anyone says will take away what's important to me. I won't give up my happiness for someone else's opinions. Just trust me. If I make mistakes, then I'll learn. But there are some things that will change my life for the better. I'm okay with that, and you should be too. I'll be the same Katie, only happier.
September 12, 2011- The somewhat awkward moment where all you can think about is one thing and that one thing makes you kinda feel weak at the knees and... kinda funny.. and a little dizzy... and actually quite happy... and makes you ramble... anywho... Ya know those, right? Well... I don't mind... right now. Though, it won't be the best thing when there are people to see the... 'side-effects' of these particular... (cough) phases.
September 18, 2011- 'You need to know the difference between power and love in a family.'
Later on September 18, 2011- I am reminded daily how blessed I am. I have some of the best friends any person could even pray for, and dreams that are bold, daring, and also possible. I have aspirations and goals for myself, and I think I'm starting to get a good head on my shoulders. My heart has been able to love and trust after everything, which is a blessing in itself, because being able to has brought me some of the greatest happiness. And though the times will get hard, ever moment will just be yet another gift ♥
September 19, 2011- Why should anyone hate today? Or yesterday? Or any day? Everything that happens, no matter how good or bad, is a blessing. Every single day we receive is another day alive. Every trial grants us wisdom that we could not have gained otherwise. Every good moment strengthens bonds and grants us happy memories to cherish for a lifetime. So, instead of hating today, yesterday, or some tomorrow in the future, accept the pain as a chance to be a stronger, wiser person, and hope for a better horizon.
So, I admit... The last few post I had posted we seriously down. It's bound to happen, right? Well... It happened. But, I have come to find that there was a whole lot that was being lost in translation, in a way. So... I'm back on my feet! Well... No. Take that back. I've been swept off my feet. But, I'll go into that later!
So, one of the biggest helps is bridging the canyons that I had felt growing between me and my friends (which weren't really canyons, but more like a thick fog). And boy, have we all been talking these days! That's the thing about life: Completely unpredictable!
I think one of the biggest changes these days has a lot to do with personal feelings... AKA boys... I know... Typical topic for a seventeen year old girl to talk about, right? But what girl can resist that flutter of the heart, that swooping in her chest when he looks at her, the constant thoughts about someone who makes you happy to no end...
So, one of the biggest helps is bridging the canyons that I had felt growing between me and my friends (which weren't really canyons, but more like a thick fog). And boy, have we all been talking these days! That's the thing about life: Completely unpredictable!
I think one of the biggest changes these days has a lot to do with personal feelings... AKA boys... I know... Typical topic for a seventeen year old girl to talk about, right? But what girl can resist that flutter of the heart, that swooping in her chest when he looks at her, the constant thoughts about someone who makes you happy to no end...
But it all started years ago... Okay... so, this is going to sound so lame. I totally see that now: fighting for something that would never, ever, EVER happen. I had now this boy all my life... And we were, in a sense, best friends... But time and space drew us apart. And maybe that's why I thought I liked him so much? I missed that good friend of mine, and I'm willing to bet that my 'feelings' for him was merely a form of grief in the sense that I miss spending time with him. But I spent years fighting for what I thought was my true love... I thought that I could never feel anything stronger for anyone in the whole wide world. (Boy, was I wrooooong!) But I waited and waited, assuming that I had to wait for him to 'realize we were meant to be together.' Yeah right. If you have to wait for years for something that never was, then it most definitely isn't what you'd call 'true love.' And now that I am looking back, I realize how... elementary, maybe junior high, this whole thing was. But, it wasn't all bad.
About a month ago, I felt oddly sad about this whole thing with this boy. I was in that 'down' part of my life. I admitted to myself that I was being basically ridiculous with this whole thing. I sat down one night and told myself, 'Katie, the game is over. You have to move on.' So... I did. It seemed hard at first, forcing my mind to forget about my 'feelings' for this boy. But it after a couple days, it was easy. I had been fighting to 'make things work' so hard that I hadn't realized that there really wasn't anything to fight for.
The thing that is amazing about 'giving up' on one this is that you discover something worth you time, your efforts, those countless hours spent thinking about that one person... Maybe all that time of hoping for the wrong thing made it nearly impossible for me to realize that my heart was somewhere else. I have had little thoughts about it before, but I had never registered them until I had erased all the things I was fighting for, but to no avail.
About a month ago, I felt oddly sad about this whole thing with this boy. I was in that 'down' part of my life. I admitted to myself that I was being basically ridiculous with this whole thing. I sat down one night and told myself, 'Katie, the game is over. You have to move on.' So... I did. It seemed hard at first, forcing my mind to forget about my 'feelings' for this boy. But it after a couple days, it was easy. I had been fighting to 'make things work' so hard that I hadn't realized that there really wasn't anything to fight for.
The thing that is amazing about 'giving up' on one this is that you discover something worth you time, your efforts, those countless hours spent thinking about that one person... Maybe all that time of hoping for the wrong thing made it nearly impossible for me to realize that my heart was somewhere else. I have had little thoughts about it before, but I had never registered them until I had erased all the things I was fighting for, but to no avail.
I probably will sound vague, but only to... I don't know... Protect certain identities and what not. But... I wasn't but two weeks over this last thing when I fell (face first) for someone else. But this? This wasn't like crashing down. I was swept up off my feet and set down. (Sure, fell face first... It happened too fast for me to comprehend!) And, to be honest... I haven't ever felt this way before. Not even with that 'love of my life' that, up until about a month ago, I was 'in love with.' Haha. Wow.
But this has reached a whole new world, a whole new realm of emotions. It's quite odd at times, wondering how and why I feel this way... But I actually have reasons this time! (As in, it's not just a face and an old identity that I am 'head over heals for') This person... One of the greatest guys I have ever met.
Let me just tell you... He is truly an amazing guy. He is always respectful, kind, caring, and cheery to every person, whether he likes them as a person or not, and especially so to girls. He is a good friend (truly one of my best friends for a while now) and he has always been a good friend, not just to me, but to every one I see him interact with. He has such high morals and lives his life admirably.
But this has reached a whole new world, a whole new realm of emotions. It's quite odd at times, wondering how and why I feel this way... But I actually have reasons this time! (As in, it's not just a face and an old identity that I am 'head over heals for') This person... One of the greatest guys I have ever met.
Let me just tell you... He is truly an amazing guy. He is always respectful, kind, caring, and cheery to every person, whether he likes them as a person or not, and especially so to girls. He is a good friend (truly one of my best friends for a while now) and he has always been a good friend, not just to me, but to every one I see him interact with. He has such high morals and lives his life admirably.
And then there are some other things... Like... His eyes. (I'm a sucker for green.) Aaaannndddd... His love for music (Music is my life). And there's the fact that he's the one guy who has treated me best over time. And. Oh yeah. His voice. He sings like an angel. No big deal, right? But ask anyone: He has an amazing voice. (Me and some people joke that he's a green eyed angel... Long story, but it all started when somebody said the pick-up line: 'Did you fall from heaven? Because you look like an angel.')
The thing is... There is a highly unlikely chance that anything would ever happen. But there is a huge difference between this and that other boy. This boy treats me like I am a person. He talks to me, spends time with me, cares about me as a friend. That other boy... It was as if I never existed. If I didn't try with all my mind to even keep communication up with him, he wouldn have just let us go our separate ways, and probably wouldn't have thought twice.
So, even though it might not lead to anything, I won't fight this. (I can't!) I'll let my heart skip a beat ever time he looks at me or talks to me. I'll let him swarm my thoughts and dreams. So what? This is all my heart. It's not my brain this time. And I know that no matter what, we'll still be friends. I don't have to try with all my heart and mind to just talk to him... He goes out of his way to talk to me. So, what's wrong with feeling this way for someone who makes me feel good? Like someone who matters? Is there anything wrong with wishful thinking? Only as long as I can distinguish the difference between wishful thinking and reality. :)
The thing is... There is a highly unlikely chance that anything would ever happen. But there is a huge difference between this and that other boy. This boy treats me like I am a person. He talks to me, spends time with me, cares about me as a friend. That other boy... It was as if I never existed. If I didn't try with all my mind to even keep communication up with him, he wouldn have just let us go our separate ways, and probably wouldn't have thought twice.
So, even though it might not lead to anything, I won't fight this. (I can't!) I'll let my heart skip a beat ever time he looks at me or talks to me. I'll let him swarm my thoughts and dreams. So what? This is all my heart. It's not my brain this time. And I know that no matter what, we'll still be friends. I don't have to try with all my heart and mind to just talk to him... He goes out of his way to talk to me. So, what's wrong with feeling this way for someone who makes me feel good? Like someone who matters? Is there anything wrong with wishful thinking? Only as long as I can distinguish the difference between wishful thinking and reality. :)
I guess the good thing about this is that it is a major happiness in my life. It has sparked many conversations with friends. I has given me a new appreciation of daily life. It's given me hope, not just about life and people, but about my life any my future. So what what is it's a dead end? SO what? Happiness is happiness, and hope is hope. Both are priceless gifts. And you know what? What if it does lead to something? I won't kid myself- it is more than likely it won't - but, I am taking risks. I am living. And taking little risks like that is a good sign. It means that I am in a good place right now. I am learning things every day. I am growing stronger every single day.
Speaking of getting stronger... I feel as if I truly am getting a good head on my shoulders. I'm crossing frontiers that I never thought I would cross again...
Speaking of getting stronger... I feel as if I truly am getting a good head on my shoulders. I'm crossing frontiers that I never thought I would cross again...
Just the other day, I was thinking about my past. But this time, unlike the millions of times i have done this, I thought about it in an unemotional way. I thought about everything that has been done to me, everything I have lived though, all the mistakes I have made, and all the things I have witnessed... All of the things I wish I could have changed. And to be honest, I don't recognize that girl anymore. She was scared, hopeless, hurt, broken, hiding. But who am I? I have hope for my future... I am not broken, but mending. The pain isn't as sharp anymore, because I have things that make it worth while... I have a purpose. I have a potential that I can fulfill because of my experiences. I don't live in constant fear every day of my life. I won't lie- I will never get over the things that have happened. But, I will not be changed or held captive by these things. Instead, they will set me free. they have given me a mission, a purpose, a goal, and something to fight for.
So when I was thinking about that little girl... Those vivid images of crying, hiding, cowering away from the couple people who hurt me most... Vague memories of being little and hiding in my room, or running away from home (even if it was only for a night not more than half the apartment complex I lived in away) no longer scare me like they used to. Sure, these same things could easily happen again. Sure, I will never forget what has happened. But it is because of this that I am a stronger person. The difference between the me now, and the me before high school is that now I am a fighter. I used to want to give up, back in junior high. I didn't used to think the pain is worth it. Sure, it will hurt. Life hurts sometimes. But I have a higher sense of faith. I know that everything that happens, happens for a reason. Every person that dies is in a better place, and imprints a legacy on my life. Every time someone hurts me, I gain the experience and am able to relate to someone else struggling with the same pain...
Perhaps the most meaningful Facebook status I have posted was that last one at the top of this blog. Every trial is just being granted wisdom. Every joy is a memory made. And it is so hard to remember that, sometimes. But I have such an amazing support system here. They catch me when I fall and whisper the caring, soft reminder of everything I stand for and everything I have been through. I pride myself as a fighter. It means a lot to me to be considered one, too. My life is by far the easiest, but by far the worst. Granted, not many people in this world could have walked through my life and lived to be as strong as I consider myself. (And yes, in comparison, I am a very strong person.) I will not deny that i used to do stupid things because of my trials, that I submitted to things that were shameful on my end. But here is yet another big difference: I saw the error of my ways. I stopped using my past as an excuse, and turned it into my passion... My passion to make a difference. To try and stop things like this from happening. I can't help people if I can't even help myself. True, I have quite a way to go, but I am making progress. What else can anyone hope for?
I could go on forever about the things I have notice about myself these last few weeks. And hopefully they make it into later posts. But I am realizing, slowly but surely, that I'm not as bad of a person as I have thought myself to be. In a lot of ways, I am very brave. I face these trials every day of my life, but I do not let them define me, not do i let them chain me down. I am proud of who I am and for what people see me as now. Everyone makes mistakes, and I'm glad I got a lot of them out of my system. Sometimes, people say that that makes me a stronger person, because I can admit to my old faults and chose to never go back.
I love being able to see myself grow. And for a long time, I wasn't able to see it. But, I see it now. I can see it in photographs! I can see it in my own eyes when I look at them. I can see hope and potential... as lame as it sounds, I truly can. I'm not afraid to smile anymore... Because that means that I have a future. And I like that... :)
To wrap things up, I want to put in a very important quote on here.Two sets of background:
1) When I first heard this quote, I was in 7th grade, in a Survivor's counseling group. (Truth was,w e were not only survivors, but current fighters of the trials that we had previously survived.) And the counselor would read this quote to us at the end of every session... I heard this quote for two years.
I could go on forever about the things I have notice about myself these last few weeks. And hopefully they make it into later posts. But I am realizing, slowly but surely, that I'm not as bad of a person as I have thought myself to be. In a lot of ways, I am very brave. I face these trials every day of my life, but I do not let them define me, not do i let them chain me down. I am proud of who I am and for what people see me as now. Everyone makes mistakes, and I'm glad I got a lot of them out of my system. Sometimes, people say that that makes me a stronger person, because I can admit to my old faults and chose to never go back.
I love being able to see myself grow. And for a long time, I wasn't able to see it. But, I see it now. I can see it in photographs! I can see it in my own eyes when I look at them. I can see hope and potential... as lame as it sounds, I truly can. I'm not afraid to smile anymore... Because that means that I have a future. And I like that... :)
To wrap things up, I want to put in a very important quote on here.Two sets of background:
1) When I first heard this quote, I was in 7th grade, in a Survivor's counseling group. (Truth was,w e were not only survivors, but current fighters of the trials that we had previously survived.) And the counselor would read this quote to us at the end of every session... I heard this quote for two years.
2) On my binder for school, I made a collage. Each picture has words on it. I have one with me and three of my best friends on the day we dressed up for the premier of the 7th Harry Potter movie (part one), one of my grandpa holding my deceased half sister (The quote saying, 'To love, you must be willing to let go. To let you, you must be willing to love.") I have three of my cousin Jasolyn, (One is of her and her cousin, Cynthia, and it says, 'When you dream, dream big.' The other two, were posted with the post with Jasolyn's story) I have a picture of me playing my cello, with the quote , "Let music never die in me. Let music live.' (From the song The Awakening.) Then I have a picture I took of a rose in my grandma's garden, with the quote 'Even if love is full of thorns, I'd still embrace it for I know in between those thorns, there is a rose worth all the pain.' And last, but not least, in the middle (paired with the rose picture) is a picture of.. a daisy, I believe. All i know is that it is a picture of a flower from my grandma's garden, with a quote on this flower. Surrounding this quote are the words Love, Faith, Strength, Truth, Friends, and Hope. I love this picture, because it means me, in many ways. the quote:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things
I can not change, the strength to change the
things I can, and the wisdom to know the
things I can, and the wisdom to know the
difference.
This quote will forever mean something to me, and I holds a special place in my heart. And when times get rough, I tell myself to remember this. I will forever fight and continue to get stronger. Now for the great new adventure of tomorrow... <3
No comments:
Post a Comment