Iceberg Ahead..

I know... You're probably tired of these types of posts... But I am having another rainy day... weekend... week... who knows?! All I know is that I feel a little cruddy, and I can't shake this feeling...
Before I dive into this story, I want anyone who reads this to understand some things... For one: I love life. I love my friends and I love the happiness I feel. Sometimes, though, life gets overwhelming... Second: No matter how much it may sound like it, I am not suicidal. [I'm tired of people asking or implying!] I am not, nor will I ever consider taking my life. Three: This is venting... So, it may all sound like the end of the world for me, but in reality, it's still slightly bearable.
With that being said... Here we go..!
These last few days have kicked the heck out of my morale, and my strength has faltered a little... I dropped a couple of walls and let outside forces invade... and now I am paying the price.
I am too out to want to go into the whole story just now... But things got really bad. Things are bad... If I didn't know that I would never take my life, I would be afraid of doing so... That's how bad things have been. But I have a strong faith and great friends that keep me from ever doing the most selfish deed in the world...
But I was thinking about it, and I got afraid of myself. This dark part of me that I acquired when I was a preteen/young teen comes out int he darkest times and put this image in my mind... this image of despair. This part of me said, 'I wish I was on a boat... A boat sailing in icy water, so that it could hit an iceberg and just go down. Or maybe be on a boat, hit ice, and miss the lifeboats.' This part of me wants to give up.... to die. And I have been stuck inside myself, scared. There's this terrifying part of me that makes me think dark things and do things I regret or desire things that I wish weren't in my life. Then there's this part of me that is good... Full of light of God, hope, faith, and happiness... But this part is hiding because she is scared of the dark side... This part of me has been in and out of hiding for a long time... It is my innocence.
My innocence has been threatened, abused, and almost destroyed... But I grasp on to the little bit I have left, and to the very idea that I may still have some... Though much of it isn't my fault, I feel like I lost my innocence. I pray to God every day that I can preserve what I have, and maybe even repair it a little. I am so scared that it might be gone... But I believe she's still in there. I am too afraid of this dark side of me to be completely dark...
The fact that this dark side is coming back out again.. I have been working tirelessly for the past year or so to make sure she doesn't come back, but she is back in full fury. I have having experiences again that I haven't since 2010... And that terrifies me...
The truth is, I used to be a bad person... Well, mostly, anyway. I did bad things because of bad things that happened in my life. I don't like people knowing, because I HATE that part of me... And I hate that I am labeled as something I pretend not to be... But deep down, I have this part of me that still is the old labels. I am being defeated by people who are supposed to be helping me, like my mom. I love her dearly, but she is hurting me so badly, lately... She emotionally and mentally abuses me every day. And that hurts so badly. I can hardly handle it... And my grandma is the the same... But more upfront and brutal.
My family is breaking me down... Breaking me completely. They have robbed me of safe havens...Even my own mind is no longer safe...
It kills me to talk to my friends and the people around me, who are so happy and care so much... and tell them I m struggling. Man, if some f them knew... If some of them knew what I faced every day... I can harldy imagine telling them... Or even what I used to go through daily... It kills me to see concern etched upon their faces... It hurts me to know that the ones who care and love me most are the ones who feel helpless when it comes to helping me and wanting to help me.
But having them.. I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have found faith in God. And I wouldn't have the friends.. There goes the two reasons I haven't and would never take my own life.
But in all honesty, it's more for God and my friends that I keep myself here... For one, I could never insult God like that... HE brought me here and gave me some pretty good things... and even though my life hits rock bottom periodically... even though I hit icebergs periodically... It's got to be for a reason...! And my friends? I could never do something that horrible to them... I could never be responsible for that pain... the blame... the loss.... The things that come with when a friend or even a person you know commits suicide.
I won't go into details... But once upon a time... I had no hope. I was on the road to suicide. In fact, one day, I was moments from doing it. I was ready and wanting to die... But for a split moment, my best friend at the time popped into my head... And I realized the trauma I would cause her if I did it. And above all, I didn't want to hurt her. and since then, that has been a saving grace.
It's unbearable.. .Right now. Literally unbearable. Nothing I have done is taking this pain away... this grief... this sorrow... this.... these... feelings. I could scream in pitiful sorrow and pain all the night long and not ease the pain... But I am using all my being to hang on... To endure. This unbearable feeling I have infecting my soul is hurting me in many ways, and I am trying so hard to stop it. I wish it could go away... I have been praying and praying for it to cease... But I hold on to my friends in this time. They are keeping my head over the water. They are giving my enough strength to at least try for another day.
For now, I am treading this icy water with sorrow in my heart, but I am hoping with all my heart that I do get through... If tears could heal, I'd have enough for the world right now... But as it is, sometimes tear do nothing but show that everything isn't okay. And man... things aren't right now. But I am going to go on anyway... Because it is the only right thing to do.... The only thing I can or will do. I'm a survivor... I have to make it... I have to pull through... And I pray with all my being to do just that... pull through. make it. Survive...

It's a New Day...

So, today was pretty good. Not going to go into details, mainly because I am too tired (haha!). But, I am going to write (for the fourth day in a row... What? This isn't normal..!)
The big thing I want to write about is this song... Not just A song.. THE song... The song behind the theme of this blog!
So, every year, the choir program at my school does something called the Broadway Revue (every few years, they do Rock and Roll instead of Broadway). And so, each choir does this little medley that's 8-12 minutes long. and in between each group are in-between acts (who'd have guessed the name?!) And soooo... This year, I am auditioning. I decided a year ago I wanted to sing this one song... And now, I have no excuses. I am auditioning. And *hopefully* performing this song. It's called Feel the Rain and it was composed by Bill Kimes and sung (originally) my mom. Since we have the background (like karaoke) music, I can perform it.
And so, I am listening to the lyrics... And I realized... Oh my gosh. These lyrics!
Yeah... They are beautiful and amazing and just... Everything this blog is about! And so, I wanted to post them on here. (They sound better with music!)

Feel the Rain

Changes and phases, transitions in time
Endings, beginnings, no reason, no rhyme.
How many lifetimes are lived in our years?
WE look back on good times and always remember the tears.

One follows the other, we're up, then we're down.
Just when life seems simple, our world turns around.
How many lifetimes have we lived since we're born?
We search for the sunshine but always get caught in the storm

(Chorus)
Don't stop believing,  life is  love and life is pain.
Don't stop believing, there's no fault, and there's no blame.

To get to the rainbow, you've got to feel the rain.

'Cause changes come quickly, love's here then it's gone

Left broken and bleeding til time moves us on

We're all on a journey with roads we must chose

We all take our chances, we all pay our dues.

Cause to get to the rainbow, you've got to feel the rain.

Changes and phases, transitions in time

Endings, beginnings, no reason, no rhyme.
How many lifetimes have we lived sice we're born

We search for the sunshine and always get caught in the storm.

(Chorus)
Don't stop believing,  life is  love and life is pain.
Don't stop believing, there's no fault, and there's no blame.

To get to the rainbow, you've got to feel the rain.

 

So, basically, that is the song! I love the lyrics so much... And I cannot wait to sing them! They mean so much in my life, because they are so true to me and my life. And so, with every good days, I will embrace my rainbow. With every bad day, I feel the rain and look for the rainbow once again. Don't take what you have for granted, because you never know how long you have it... Never forget how good or bad things can be... For if you're going through bad, it's good to remember it will be better soon... and if you're going through good, it's humbling to remember how bad things could be, and it helps to be thankful for the good when you have it... Like they say, you don't know what you have until it's gone.
So for now, I'm looking at the new day ahead of me... I am going to do my best to see that rainbow, even if it does mean feeling the rain a little first... Both literally and metaphorically speaking, a little bit of rain may not be ideal or convenient, but in the end, we'll be thankful for it.... With rain, comes growth, and essentially, new life. What's wrong with that?
Nothing... And that's why I am feeling okay with that right now. Life will always be good. Whether it is easy or not doesn't determine whether it is worth living.

Uphill...

Wow! Just.. Wow! If anyone needed a good day, it was me. And wow... Was today a good day! Not just good... Amazing!
I got to sleep in a little, which was good. (Yes, sleep is good!) And then I took a quiz for my math class and got an 80%, which is really good [for me]. Once I got to school, I was told I am OFFICIALLY in All State! Yay! No more alternate status!
Then... I went to the last duel meet of the season! And man, was it AWESOME! Me and my girls (varsity and JV throwers, yeah yeah!) rocked it and did so well! Some major PRs and awesome performances!
And I finally... FINALLY broke my Freshman disc PR! Broke it by 2 feet, with an 88 foot, 9 inch throw. And it felt AMAZING!
Although, it was a bittersweet moment... This is the last meet with all of the team for this season... But for me, it's forever. I have grown soooo close to all of these girls, and I am going to miss them next year. and it was such a weird feeling, throwing with some of them for the last time. Every one of them has grown stronger, improved in their distances, and has become a dear friend to me. I have watched them grow in so many ways, and I have been honored to be able to throw with them and help them.
Here's some of the amazing girls that I throw with.. (pictures 'borrowed by some of their facebooks haha!):

No, this is not everyone, and I hope I can get a picture with all of us... But For now this will do. It's going to be weird when I say goodbye for good, right before graduation. I'm gonna miss these girls!
Well... For now, that all I've got! (But hey, for a third day in a row, I'm doing good!) Time to go take a math test..!

Clear as Mud

I know what you're thinking...
'SHE'S POSTING AGAIN! But... But... She just posted yesterday!'
That's right, kidlets. I am posting TWO DAYS... in a ROW.
Kinda like sucking venom out of a bite, I need to post. I have a lot on my mind, and with so much going on, I can't afford to dwell on it. and with it in my head all the time... I am dwelling.
My grandpa is back in the hospital, but no one in my family is really telling me what is wrong. They seem to want to hide it from me. Ummm.. Okay. Love you too..? So, here I am, sitting int he dark, in tons of pain (body ache... similar to yesterday), and they won't even spend the time to talk to me...
This bothers me. Aren't families supposed to love the people in them? I mean... What have I done these past 17 years to deserve how they've treated me? Either I don't have a voice in their eyes, or it's not worth listening to. Or maybe both?
I mean, it's not like I haven't said anything... I've been crying out since I was three... Almost 15 years! Why won't they listen? Why do they treat me so badly? I mean, I'm pretty sure they don't mean it, but really? Why don't they see how bad they treat me? I'm always being bashed and downed on... I'm the one everyone takes thing out on... I'm always being ignored and insulted. Why am I so worthless in their eyes?! Or, better yet... Why do I have to FEEL that way?

My friends tell me every day how special I am in my own way... That I have so many good qualities. I want so badly to completely believe it... But going home to a family who bashes and abuses me with their words? I have been through so much, and much of the much [haha] has destroyed my self esteem. Do I even have any left? I am so down on myself all the time, and when I am at home, I get bashed on that, too. I am not good enough for the people I love and care about... But they have destroyed me! I love my mom so much, and I can't imagine life without her... But she brought in the people who killed and stole my childhood and innocence... She bashes me all the time, especially when she is under the impression that she is always right, even when I know she's not... She takes her anger and frustration out on me. I can't be the human punching bag anymore... Not verbally, emotionally, or physically. I have so many emotional, mental, and physical scars from the past 15 years...
And EVERY time I try to defend myself... I get knocked down again...
My mom and I were going at it again... And it always start over stupid things... But if it's not my mom's way... Usually it's the wrong way. And so, once again, I didn't do it her way.

-Sigh- Thankfully, my grandma has been gone most of the day. Because of grandpa being so sick, she has been especially bitter and snappy... Especially on me. And I don't think I could have handled her on my case too. I love her and am worried for her, just as much as my grandpa... But I keep getting lashed out on. A sinlge person... a girl... can only take so much. Between 6 classes, track, music [choir, orchestra, and All-State], homework, an online math class [which needs to be finished in a couple days], commutes, chores, and sleeping... My time is spent. And somehow, my family thinks I need my time wasted on lectures about how I need to be 'smarter' and what I need to do with my life... Arguments that result in me being called stupid, lazy, lousy, etc... Talks about how my cousins are perfect and I should follow in their footsteps... Reminders that I am mediocre in their eyes.
These usually cut into my already limited sleeping times. I only get 4-5 hours a night... Which really doesn't help.

It's not just my heart stopping/skipping that keeps me up. I have nightmares. Partially from the PTSD... But sometimes... Just nightmares because of things that happen. And my dreams, as it is, would be another person's nightmares... My nightmares are pure horror film quality... And even then, I have never seen a horror film as bad as my nightmares... I'm surprised I can cope with them... But I guess that 4 years of these would make it less... shocking.
Usually.
The worst one never gets better. It's one of my deepest fears, and one of my darkest secrets... Something related to my past and a wish I used to have... But the combination is horrific. That one actually is a rare one that I have, but it still comes up a few times a month...
I am one messed up girl...
Recently, I have sent out the link to this blog to people. It kinda scares me... People knowing the real me. At school? In public? I'm the girl that smiles, the girl always cheering people on... always happy [minus when I am hurting, but I somehow? hide it well..] People are utterly shocked when they find out about this side of me... The 'blog' side of me. It's literally like a gate into my mind. And it scares me that people may judge me on this part of me. But the truth is... This IS me.
Yes, I try to be happy as much as I can. And normally, I am optimistic and take everything happily. But lately... I am just spent. Like a bank, a person can give out all it has... But once it's gone, it's gone. You can't [truly] give more than you have. And I am literally, just about spent.I am demanded so much of... And as much as I love helping... I need help sometimes too. So, this is where I try to lay off the load... the burden of life. It is soooo hard. Especially lately. Truthfully, it has also been the happiest time of my life. I haven't been this happy. Ever. I have friends, a decent place to live. Away from.. 'him'... Just two short years ago, I was between living in a home that was sending me to my deathbed and homeless. I was living with an alcoholic who wanted to kill himself so that I could find his body, as well as doing truly horrible things...

 To a kid.

 I was doing horrible things, myself... Because I couldn't cope. Because no one would help me. My friends were scarce, and the ones I did have all have since left my life, with the exception of two, and one only talks to me every once in a while.
Now? My life is just better quality. But, it's still hard.There are days I want to just break down and cry. There are days where I almost feel like giving up. And that bothers me! Why should anyone feel like that?! Why would anyone put someone through so much that they feel like giving up? It's so cruel... And I wonder why... WHY do I deserve what some put me through? I know I didn't do anything to deserve this treatment... So why have I had 14 years of this?
This question is directed to the people who do this to me. I know why Heavenly Father has given this life to me... With it, I will eventually serve a higher purpose.. .Help kids who are/were like me... Bruised, broken, burdened... But, to those who hurt me... Why is it that, for the last 14 years, I have been nothing in your eyes? Was I not a person? Was I not an individual with life, dreams, goals, and a desire to be happy? Why do I deserve to be treated like garbage? Every life is a miracle, and who are you to decide whether this miracle [me] was worth being valued? Who are you to treat a child of God like this? I am perfect, precious, and valuable in His eyes... I am His daughter! Why should you treat anyone any way different?
Maybe someday I will understand... Maybe I won't. I just can't see how this could have happened, or how this happens to children.
I wasn't even born when my father decided he didn't want to be there... I was only three when I first was abused. As a child, I was hurt by so many. 'It shouldn't hurt to be a child'.
No, it shouldn't. But it did for me. It does for thousands like me. And it still does for me. [What? I'm still a child?]
Yupp... I still am. Though, I haven't felt like a kid since I was eleven years old.
-Sigh- These daily bashings have taken a toll on me. I want someone to hear me! I want someone to understand... I want people to remember that what you do to people usually sticks... I want people to realize that no one has it easy, and sometimes...
The person you least expect to be having hard times may very well be the person on their last hope.
By no means am I giving up. If it were an option... Maybe. But it is not an option in my life. I will never do what Vick did to me. I could never hurt anyone like that... I have too much to offer in this life to give up. What about all the people I could help in the future? My life isn't just mine... It's everyone else's that I touch and impact.
Here's another cry for help... Another plea... Mainly, though, for the people who feel they have the right to hurt me..
Please.. Please! PLEASE! Hear me! Listen to me! I am not a Welcome mat to just wipe you shoes on. I am a human being who has so much inside... but with every hit with words, traumas, and fists, I fall a little deeper. I am more than just a human punching bag. I am more than just someone to hurt and abuse. I am more than just a victim. I am a survivor, and I have so much to offer this world. Please see that in me. Please see the goodness, not my flaws...
There's a song... That I have been connecting to lately, and it is a metaphor, just like my life motto... Because here I am, drowning in the rain in the search of my rainbow...

Storm by Lifehouse

how long have i been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
waters getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if i could just see you
everything would be alright
if i had to see you
this darkness would turn into light

and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright

i know you didn't bring me out here to drown
so why am i ten feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause i'm so used to living underneath the surface

if i could just see you
everything would be alright
if i could see you
this stormness would turn into light

and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright

and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and now everything is alright
everything's alright

There's someone I'm missing, though no one knows who. Well, some do, but would never guess it to be them. Once again, I am reminded of how much I have lost, and I mourn for that. 'I've lost so much along the way.' I have...
Life is as clear mud sometimes. I know that life is good and has a purpose higher than ourselves... But sometimes, I get lost in the pain. No one can do it on their own...
I like the quote in the picture at the top of this post... Because it is true. And without God, I wouldn't even be here. He is the rock of my life. And I found Him through some amazing friends. I'd be lost without them. But everything else has been shaky and unstable, wild and stormy. I need some strong support for my future, support I lack right now. I pray for strength and peace every night before I go to sleep. I know, someday, everything will be alright... and I will see the that someone I miss so much.... I know someday I will be out of this storm, out of the waves, out of the water so hard to tread. I know I will be able to breathe again. I know I'll be able to dance in the rain, rather than drowning in it.. And I know to the very core of me, that someday, I will get to the rainbow...

Life Aches and Body Aches

...Me and my titles! HAHA!
Welp... This is going to be one of 'those' posts. Yeah, the  ones that are happy and sad all wrapped into one happy yet depressing little... er... burrito? I don't know... DON'T ASK ME.
(Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy... Oops. Did I say that out loud? JOKE)
Anyway...
I did promise to write a post again soon.
AND LOOK AT ME!
I'm a good girl! Errr... usually. Awk.
Anyway... Ummm... San Fran!
Basically, that trip was ridiculous amazing! In three short days, my choir and the Chamber orchestra (which adds up to about 110 kids) went to see the San Fran Ballet, Cirque De Sollet (er... spelling probably butchered. oh wellz), as well as record in George Lucas' Skywalker Studios (and watch Star Trek in his private movie theatre) and have a clinic at San Jose University. We also went to the Japanese Tea Gardens and the museum across the way (the name escapes me...), as well as experience a bay boat tour and the wharf! (er.. spelling again??)
Between that and the AMAZING friends along the way, and the funny jokes... and... er... other benefits (haha.. 'he' is in the same choir), It was simply amazing! I took so  many pictures, but I am slightly too lazy at the moment to put some up. Maybe later.
But.. [yupp.. here we go.] there was a problem...
We didn't sleep much. And... Well... I was already sick... Long story short... I fell really ill. I am still ill. More ill than usual, mind. Which kinda fast forwards to today on why this is so bad.
Today has been one of those days... I have not only been having a body ache, but a life ache.
Oh yeah. What IS a life/body ache? It's what my friends and I call my... conditions. Life aches are emotional/psychological pains. Body aches are physical ailments.
And today... I had both.
My life aches are usually bad when I have them. But boy, have I been having one. My grandpa is in a rehab center, because he had an intestinal 'tangle' (his intestines literally got tangled and caused an obstruction). He was int he hospital for about a week and a half, but they found he lost his ability to walk from being stuck in bed. So, he is in rehab to get physical therapy and to recover. However, things aren't going well. He is having renal (kidney) problems (almost failure) and his stomach is swelling so much, he looks like he is 8 months pregnant. He hasn't had any will to eat and lost all ambition to do anything but sleep. He has been in pain and he has lost a lot of weight. He is 78, so he's not exactly young. We are terrified for him.
It's scaring me... What if I lose my grandpa? He could die, and the thought makes me sick. I've managed to go three weeks without worrying about it... But I was able to visit him for the first time yesterday.. And he had this look in his eyes I am all too familiar with...
Story time! Er... but not a happy one.
When I was ten years old, my uncle got very sick. He was in the hospital. I visited him and he was so frail and ill. I sat with him, holding his hand. He told me I was helping a lot... But my help wasn't enough to put of his death... I basically watched him die. It was very... strange. But before he died, I looked into his eyes and saw this look of ease... and yet, suffering. He was in so much pain, but he looked willing to fight if it was meant to be. Though, at the same time, he wanted to just sleep.... both literally and metaphorically.
This look is one I saw in my grandpa's eyes. It could be coincidence, and there's a good chance my grandpa will be fine. But there's this large part of me who fears and grieves... I have seen sooooo much sorrow and pain in my life... It terrifies me to lose people or things close to me. Death scares me. Not just in others, but in myself. If I was to die, who would I be hurting? What business would be left undone? What questions would be left unanswered? What would I be missing? I know God has a plan for me... but sometimes, it scares me. I don't know when I am going to die. It could be tonight. It could be in 80 years. I don't know. And that scares me.
I have known people to die at the most unexpected times. Vick took his life when he wasn't yet 30. Another uncle of mine died in his 40's. My sister died at 11 months old... There are others I choose not to mention or delve into... Due to deep emotional roots and pains I still, as I  have said, haven't been able to rid myself of... Loses that will stay with me forever. But regardless, none of these deaths were exactly 'natural'. True, my sister died of genetic illness. My uncle died from a stroke. But, you never expect the untimely deaths...
And I'm scared I will be the next in my family.
After all, I have escaped death so  many times in my life... Someday, I could be bound to not escape. And it scares me. I don't want to die with regrets, or with things left undone, unsaid, unanswered, or unknown.
Which brings me to Body aches. Well, you can imagine... I've been ill for several years now. Part of it has been from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Some of it has been from... Well... The things I have left unnamed. And some of it has been completely unknown [we don't know the cause]. One of the problems is my heart.
My heart is very weak, and far too weak to keep up (at times) with my body and physical activity. Much of this, it is assumed, is from my surgery in October. But it hasn't gotten stronger all of track season, which is not a good sign. I first found out I had heart problems when I almost blacked out and went into Cardiac Arrest back in January, due to the fact that my heart couldn't keep up to my activities in track.
I have managed to avoid that issue since then... until today.
I don't know what it was, but we finished our running and I was unable to breathe... I was blacking out and my chest and right shoulder hurt like none other. My heart rate stayed up at an alarming high BPM (beats per minute) for nearly an hour and never settled down to normal until an hour after I left to go home. I should have gone to the hospital, but I knew that wouldn't happen.
A harsh fact is that I should have gone to a Cardiologist nearly 2 months ago. But... My mom wouldn't dream of taking me. The words 'doctor' and hospital mixed in with 'sick' or 'dying' don't seem to register, or if anything, cause her to go into denial and resist it. I don't have medical insurance... So I get to 'live' (pardon the word choice) with these horrible things. I played with death today... Again.
Every day, I get a little sicker... From the combination of ailments I have, they are slowly killing me, to be blunt. Whether or not I am 'dying', I wouldn't know for certain. But... To be honest, I'm not sure how much more my body can take. Passing out. Black outs. Seizures. Internal bleeding. Infections. Near heart failure. Blood poisoning. Horrific symptoms of PTSD.... Things that I put myself through when I was struggling most..... Etc, etc, etc. My body has taken a major toll, and it's slowly slipping up.
My heart periodically skips beats and/or stops. It has done this in my sleep , especially these last few weeks... almost every night. It wakes me up, which is why I sleep very little. It's scary. At school, I can depend on it happening at least three times. There have been times where it happens several times per hour. It's down right scary.
With all of these things, including little and big things I can't talk about or don't feel is a good idea to dive into, I am holding on to the last few inches of my 'safety net'.
But. BUT. BUT! By no means does this man I am giving up. I am doing everything I can to hold on. I  have too much I want and need to do in my life to give up. I have BEEN THROUGH too much to give up now. Considering how my life used to be, my life is amazing and a blessing. It always will be. True, I am facing trials that are beyond easy to cope with... But I am not alone. So many people are supporting me, even if they don't know my story. And for those who do know my story, I have received even more help from them.
Life is going to hurt... Life is going to be hard. But life will always be worth living. I am a testament to that... I have been through so much, and I will always continue fighting. I am a survivor, and proud of it... And I cannot forget that. People remind me everyday of that. I am so blessed... It is so hard at times. And I am struggling... Surviving is about struggling, and I certainly am right now. But someday, I'll be able to cope better. 'It all gets better in time.' Sometimes, though, it takes some things longer than others.
I just have to keep telling myself.. 'To get to the rainbow, you've got to feel the rain.'