I know what you're thinking...
'SHE'S POSTING AGAIN! But... But... She just posted yesterday!'
That's right, kidlets. I am posting TWO DAYS... in a ROW.
Kinda like sucking venom out of a bite, I need to post. I have a lot on my mind, and with so much going on, I can't afford to dwell on it. and with it in my head all the time... I am dwelling.
My grandpa is back in the hospital, but no one in my family is really telling me what is wrong. They seem to want to hide it from me. Ummm.. Okay. Love you too..? So, here I am, sitting int he dark, in tons of pain (body ache... similar to yesterday), and they won't even spend the time to talk to me...
This bothers me. Aren't families supposed to love the people in them? I mean... What have I done these past 17 years to deserve how they've treated me? Either I don't have a voice in their eyes, or it's not worth listening to. Or maybe both?
I mean, it's not like I haven't said anything... I've been crying out since I was three... Almost 15 years! Why won't they listen? Why do they treat me so badly? I mean, I'm pretty sure they don't mean it, but really? Why don't they see how bad they treat me? I'm always being bashed and downed on... I'm the one everyone takes thing out on... I'm always being ignored and insulted. Why am I so worthless in their eyes?! Or, better yet... Why do I have to FEEL that way?
My friends tell me every day how special I am in my own way... That I have so many good qualities. I want so badly to completely believe it... But going home to a family who bashes and abuses me with their words? I have been through so much, and much of the much [haha] has destroyed my self esteem. Do I even have any left? I am so down on myself all the time, and when I am at home, I get bashed on that, too. I am not good enough for the people I love and care about... But they have destroyed me! I love my mom so much, and I can't imagine life without her... But she brought in the people who killed and stole my childhood and innocence... She bashes me all the time, especially when she is under the impression that she is always right, even when I know she's not... She takes her anger and frustration out on me. I can't be the human punching bag anymore... Not verbally, emotionally, or physically. I have so many emotional, mental, and physical scars from the past 15 years...
And EVERY time I try to defend myself... I get knocked down again...
My mom and I were going at it again... And it always start over stupid things... But if it's not my mom's way... Usually it's the wrong way. And so, once again, I didn't do it her way.
And EVERY time I try to defend myself... I get knocked down again...
My mom and I were going at it again... And it always start over stupid things... But if it's not my mom's way... Usually it's the wrong way. And so, once again, I didn't do it her way.
-Sigh- Thankfully, my grandma has been gone most of the day. Because of grandpa being so sick, she has been especially bitter and snappy... Especially on me. And I don't think I could have handled her on my case too. I love her and am worried for her, just as much as my grandpa... But I keep getting lashed out on. A sinlge person... a girl... can only take so much. Between 6 classes, track, music [choir, orchestra, and All-State], homework, an online math class [which needs to be finished in a couple days], commutes, chores, and sleeping... My time is spent. And somehow, my family thinks I need my time wasted on lectures about how I need to be 'smarter' and what I need to do with my life... Arguments that result in me being called stupid, lazy, lousy, etc... Talks about how my cousins are perfect and I should follow in their footsteps... Reminders that I am mediocre in their eyes.
These usually cut into my already limited sleeping times. I only get 4-5 hours a night... Which really doesn't help.
These usually cut into my already limited sleeping times. I only get 4-5 hours a night... Which really doesn't help.
It's not just my heart stopping/skipping that keeps me up. I have nightmares. Partially from the PTSD... But sometimes... Just nightmares because of things that happen. And my dreams, as it is, would be another person's nightmares... My nightmares are pure horror film quality... And even then, I have never seen a horror film as bad as my nightmares... I'm surprised I can cope with them... But I guess that 4 years of these would make it less... shocking.
Usually.
The worst one never gets better. It's one of my deepest fears, and one of my darkest secrets... Something related to my past and a wish I used to have... But the combination is horrific. That one actually is a rare one that I have, but it still comes up a few times a month...
I am one messed up girl...
Recently, I have sent out the link to this blog to people. It kinda scares me... People knowing the real me. At school? In public? I'm the girl that smiles, the girl always cheering people on... always happy [minus when I am hurting, but I somehow? hide it well..] People are utterly shocked when they find out about this side of me... The 'blog' side of me. It's literally like a gate into my mind. And it scares me that people may judge me on this part of me. But the truth is... This IS me.
Yes, I try to be happy as much as I can. And normally, I am optimistic and take everything happily. But lately... I am just spent. Like a bank, a person can give out all it has... But once it's gone, it's gone. You can't [truly] give more than you have. And I am literally, just about spent.I am demanded so much of... And as much as I love helping... I need help sometimes too. So, this is where I try to lay off the load... the burden of life. It is soooo hard. Especially lately. Truthfully, it has also been the happiest time of my life. I haven't been this happy. Ever. I have friends, a decent place to live. Away from.. 'him'... Just two short years ago, I was between living in a home that was sending me to my deathbed and homeless. I was living with an alcoholic who wanted to kill himself so that I could find his body, as well as doing truly horrible things...
Usually.
The worst one never gets better. It's one of my deepest fears, and one of my darkest secrets... Something related to my past and a wish I used to have... But the combination is horrific. That one actually is a rare one that I have, but it still comes up a few times a month...
I am one messed up girl...
Recently, I have sent out the link to this blog to people. It kinda scares me... People knowing the real me. At school? In public? I'm the girl that smiles, the girl always cheering people on... always happy [minus when I am hurting, but I somehow? hide it well..] People are utterly shocked when they find out about this side of me... The 'blog' side of me. It's literally like a gate into my mind. And it scares me that people may judge me on this part of me. But the truth is... This IS me.
Yes, I try to be happy as much as I can. And normally, I am optimistic and take everything happily. But lately... I am just spent. Like a bank, a person can give out all it has... But once it's gone, it's gone. You can't [truly] give more than you have. And I am literally, just about spent.I am demanded so much of... And as much as I love helping... I need help sometimes too. So, this is where I try to lay off the load... the burden of life. It is soooo hard. Especially lately. Truthfully, it has also been the happiest time of my life. I haven't been this happy. Ever. I have friends, a decent place to live. Away from.. 'him'... Just two short years ago, I was between living in a home that was sending me to my deathbed and homeless. I was living with an alcoholic who wanted to kill himself so that I could find his body, as well as doing truly horrible things...
To a kid.
I was doing horrible things, myself... Because I couldn't cope. Because no one would help me. My friends were scarce, and the ones I did have all have since left my life, with the exception of two, and one only talks to me every once in a while.
Now? My life is just better quality. But, it's still hard.There are days I want to just break down and cry. There are days where I almost feel like giving up. And that bothers me! Why should anyone feel like that?! Why would anyone put someone through so much that they feel like giving up? It's so cruel... And I wonder why... WHY do I deserve what some put me through? I know I didn't do anything to deserve this treatment... So why have I had 14 years of this?
This question is directed to the people who do this to me. I know why Heavenly Father has given this life to me... With it, I will eventually serve a higher purpose.. .Help kids who are/were like me... Bruised, broken, burdened... But, to those who hurt me... Why is it that, for the last 14 years, I have been nothing in your eyes? Was I not a person? Was I not an individual with life, dreams, goals, and a desire to be happy? Why do I deserve to be treated like garbage? Every life is a miracle, and who are you to decide whether this miracle [me] was worth being valued? Who are you to treat a child of God like this? I am perfect, precious, and valuable in His eyes... I am His daughter! Why should you treat anyone any way different?
Maybe someday I will understand... Maybe I won't. I just can't see how this could have happened, or how this happens to children.
I wasn't even born when my father decided he didn't want to be there... I was only three when I first was abused. As a child, I was hurt by so many. 'It shouldn't hurt to be a child'.
No, it shouldn't. But it did for me. It does for thousands like me. And it still does for me. [What? I'm still a child?]
Yupp... I still am. Though, I haven't felt like a kid since I was eleven years old.
-Sigh- These daily bashings have taken a toll on me. I want someone to hear me! I want someone to understand... I want people to remember that what you do to people usually sticks... I want people to realize that no one has it easy, and sometimes...
The person you least expect to be having hard times may very well be the person on their last hope.
By no means am I giving up. If it were an option... Maybe. But it is not an option in my life. I will never do what Vick did to me. I could never hurt anyone like that... I have too much to offer in this life to give up. What about all the people I could help in the future? My life isn't just mine... It's everyone else's that I touch and impact.
Here's another cry for help... Another plea... Mainly, though, for the people who feel they have the right to hurt me..
Please.. Please! PLEASE! Hear me! Listen to me! I am not a Welcome mat to just wipe you shoes on. I am a human being who has so much inside... but with every hit with words, traumas, and fists, I fall a little deeper. I am more than just a human punching bag. I am more than just someone to hurt and abuse. I am more than just a victim. I am a survivor, and I have so much to offer this world. Please see that in me. Please see the goodness, not my flaws...
There's a song... That I have been connecting to lately, and it is a metaphor, just like my life motto... Because here I am, drowning in the rain in the search of my rainbow...
Storm by Lifehouse
how long have i been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
waters getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head
if i could just see you
everything would be alright
if i had to see you
this darkness would turn into light
and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright
i know you didn't bring me out here to drown
so why am i ten feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause i'm so used to living underneath the surface
if i could just see you
everything would be alright
if i could see you
this stormness would turn into light
and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and now everything is alright
everything's alright
There's someone I'm missing, though no one knows who. Well, some do, but would never guess it to be them. Once again, I am reminded of how much I have lost, and I mourn for that. 'I've lost so much along the way.' I have...
Life is as clear mud sometimes. I know that life is good and has a purpose higher than ourselves... But sometimes, I get lost in the pain. No one can do it on their own...
I like the quote in the picture at the top of this post... Because it is true. And without God, I wouldn't even be here. He is the rock of my life. And I found Him through some amazing friends. I'd be lost without them. But everything else has been shaky and unstable, wild and stormy. I need some strong support for my future, support I lack right now. I pray for strength and peace every night before I go to sleep. I know, someday, everything will be alright... and I will see the that someone I miss so much.... I know someday I will be out of this storm, out of the waves, out of the water so hard to tread. I know I will be able to breathe again. I know I'll be able to dance in the rain, rather than drowning in it.. And I know to the very core of me, that someday, I will get to the rainbow...
Now? My life is just better quality. But, it's still hard.There are days I want to just break down and cry. There are days where I almost feel like giving up. And that bothers me! Why should anyone feel like that?! Why would anyone put someone through so much that they feel like giving up? It's so cruel... And I wonder why... WHY do I deserve what some put me through? I know I didn't do anything to deserve this treatment... So why have I had 14 years of this?
This question is directed to the people who do this to me. I know why Heavenly Father has given this life to me... With it, I will eventually serve a higher purpose.. .Help kids who are/were like me... Bruised, broken, burdened... But, to those who hurt me... Why is it that, for the last 14 years, I have been nothing in your eyes? Was I not a person? Was I not an individual with life, dreams, goals, and a desire to be happy? Why do I deserve to be treated like garbage? Every life is a miracle, and who are you to decide whether this miracle [me] was worth being valued? Who are you to treat a child of God like this? I am perfect, precious, and valuable in His eyes... I am His daughter! Why should you treat anyone any way different?
Maybe someday I will understand... Maybe I won't. I just can't see how this could have happened, or how this happens to children.
I wasn't even born when my father decided he didn't want to be there... I was only three when I first was abused. As a child, I was hurt by so many. 'It shouldn't hurt to be a child'.
No, it shouldn't. But it did for me. It does for thousands like me. And it still does for me. [What? I'm still a child?]
Yupp... I still am. Though, I haven't felt like a kid since I was eleven years old.
-Sigh- These daily bashings have taken a toll on me. I want someone to hear me! I want someone to understand... I want people to remember that what you do to people usually sticks... I want people to realize that no one has it easy, and sometimes...
The person you least expect to be having hard times may very well be the person on their last hope.
By no means am I giving up. If it were an option... Maybe. But it is not an option in my life. I will never do what Vick did to me. I could never hurt anyone like that... I have too much to offer in this life to give up. What about all the people I could help in the future? My life isn't just mine... It's everyone else's that I touch and impact.
Here's another cry for help... Another plea... Mainly, though, for the people who feel they have the right to hurt me..
Please.. Please! PLEASE! Hear me! Listen to me! I am not a Welcome mat to just wipe you shoes on. I am a human being who has so much inside... but with every hit with words, traumas, and fists, I fall a little deeper. I am more than just a human punching bag. I am more than just someone to hurt and abuse. I am more than just a victim. I am a survivor, and I have so much to offer this world. Please see that in me. Please see the goodness, not my flaws...
There's a song... That I have been connecting to lately, and it is a metaphor, just like my life motto... Because here I am, drowning in the rain in the search of my rainbow...
Storm by Lifehouse
how long have i been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
waters getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head
if i could just see you
everything would be alright
if i had to see you
this darkness would turn into light
and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright
i know you didn't bring me out here to drown
so why am i ten feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause i'm so used to living underneath the surface
if i could just see you
everything would be alright
if i could see you
this stormness would turn into light
and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and now everything is alright
everything's alright
There's someone I'm missing, though no one knows who. Well, some do, but would never guess it to be them. Once again, I am reminded of how much I have lost, and I mourn for that. 'I've lost so much along the way.' I have...
Life is as clear mud sometimes. I know that life is good and has a purpose higher than ourselves... But sometimes, I get lost in the pain. No one can do it on their own...
I like the quote in the picture at the top of this post... Because it is true. And without God, I wouldn't even be here. He is the rock of my life. And I found Him through some amazing friends. I'd be lost without them. But everything else has been shaky and unstable, wild and stormy. I need some strong support for my future, support I lack right now. I pray for strength and peace every night before I go to sleep. I know, someday, everything will be alright... and I will see the that someone I miss so much.... I know someday I will be out of this storm, out of the waves, out of the water so hard to tread. I know I will be able to breathe again. I know I'll be able to dance in the rain, rather than drowning in it.. And I know to the very core of me, that someday, I will get to the rainbow...
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