...Me and my titles! HAHA!
Welp... This is going to be one of 'those' posts. Yeah, the ones that are happy and sad all wrapped into one happy yet depressing little... er... burrito? I don't know... DON'T ASK ME.
(Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy... Oops. Did I say that out loud? JOKE)
Anyway...
I did promise to write a post again soon.
AND LOOK AT ME!
I'm a good girl! Errr... usually. Awk.
Anyway... Ummm... San Fran!
Basically, that trip was ridiculous amazing! In three short days, my choir and the Chamber orchestra (which adds up to about 110 kids) went to see the San Fran Ballet, Cirque De Sollet (er... spelling probably butchered. oh wellz), as well as record in George Lucas' Skywalker Studios (and watch Star Trek in his private movie theatre) and have a clinic at San Jose University. We also went to the Japanese Tea Gardens and the museum across the way (the name escapes me...), as well as experience a bay boat tour and the wharf! (er.. spelling again??)
Between that and the AMAZING friends along the way, and the funny jokes... and... er... other benefits (haha.. 'he' is in the same choir), It was simply amazing! I took so many pictures, but I am slightly too lazy at the moment to put some up. Maybe later.
But.. [yupp.. here we go.] there was a problem...
We didn't sleep much. And... Well... I was already sick... Long story short... I fell really ill. I am still ill. More ill than usual, mind. Which kinda fast forwards to today on why this is so bad.
Today has been one of those days... I have not only been having a body ache, but a life ache.
Oh yeah. What IS a life/body ache? It's what my friends and I call my... conditions. Life aches are emotional/psychological pains. Body aches are physical ailments.
And today... I had both.
My life aches are usually bad when I have them. But boy, have I been having one. My grandpa is in a rehab center, because he had an intestinal 'tangle' (his intestines literally got tangled and caused an obstruction). He was int he hospital for about a week and a half, but they found he lost his ability to walk from being stuck in bed. So, he is in rehab to get physical therapy and to recover. However, things aren't going well. He is having renal (kidney) problems (almost failure) and his stomach is swelling so much, he looks like he is 8 months pregnant. He hasn't had any will to eat and lost all ambition to do anything but sleep. He has been in pain and he has lost a lot of weight. He is 78, so he's not exactly young. We are terrified for him.
It's scaring me... What if I lose my grandpa? He could die, and the thought makes me sick. I've managed to go three weeks without worrying about it... But I was able to visit him for the first time yesterday.. And he had this look in his eyes I am all too familiar with...
Story time! Er... but not a happy one.
When I was ten years old, my uncle got very sick. He was in the hospital. I visited him and he was so frail and ill. I sat with him, holding his hand. He told me I was helping a lot... But my help wasn't enough to put of his death... I basically watched him die. It was very... strange. But before he died, I looked into his eyes and saw this look of ease... and yet, suffering. He was in so much pain, but he looked willing to fight if it was meant to be. Though, at the same time, he wanted to just sleep.... both literally and metaphorically.
This look is one I saw in my grandpa's eyes. It could be coincidence, and there's a good chance my grandpa will be fine. But there's this large part of me who fears and grieves... I have seen sooooo much sorrow and pain in my life... It terrifies me to lose people or things close to me. Death scares me. Not just in others, but in myself. If I was to die, who would I be hurting? What business would be left undone? What questions would be left unanswered? What would I be missing? I know God has a plan for me... but sometimes, it scares me. I don't know when I am going to die. It could be tonight. It could be in 80 years. I don't know. And that scares me.
I have known people to die at the most unexpected times. Vick took his life when he wasn't yet 30. Another uncle of mine died in his 40's. My sister died at 11 months old... There are others I choose not to mention or delve into... Due to deep emotional roots and pains I still, as I have said, haven't been able to rid myself of... Loses that will stay with me forever. But regardless, none of these deaths were exactly 'natural'. True, my sister died of genetic illness. My uncle died from a stroke. But, you never expect the untimely deaths...
And I'm scared I will be the next in my family.
After all, I have escaped death so many times in my life... Someday, I could be bound to not escape. And it scares me. I don't want to die with regrets, or with things left undone, unsaid, unanswered, or unknown.
Which brings me to Body aches. Well, you can imagine... I've been ill for several years now. Part of it has been from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Some of it has been from... Well... The things I have left unnamed. And some of it has been completely unknown [we don't know the cause]. One of the problems is my heart.
My heart is very weak, and far too weak to keep up (at times) with my body and physical activity. Much of this, it is assumed, is from my surgery in October. But it hasn't gotten stronger all of track season, which is not a good sign. I first found out I had heart problems when I almost blacked out and went into Cardiac Arrest back in January, due to the fact that my heart couldn't keep up to my activities in track.
I have managed to avoid that issue since then... until today.
I don't know what it was, but we finished our running and I was unable to breathe... I was blacking out and my chest and right shoulder hurt like none other. My heart rate stayed up at an alarming high BPM (beats per minute) for nearly an hour and never settled down to normal until an hour after I left to go home. I should have gone to the hospital, but I knew that wouldn't happen.
A harsh fact is that I should have gone to a Cardiologist nearly 2 months ago. But... My mom wouldn't dream of taking me. The words 'doctor' and hospital mixed in with 'sick' or 'dying' don't seem to register, or if anything, cause her to go into denial and resist it. I don't have medical insurance... So I get to 'live' (pardon the word choice) with these horrible things. I played with death today... Again.
Every day, I get a little sicker... From the combination of ailments I have, they are slowly killing me, to be blunt. Whether or not I am 'dying', I wouldn't know for certain. But... To be honest, I'm not sure how much more my body can take. Passing out. Black outs. Seizures. Internal bleeding. Infections. Near heart failure. Blood poisoning. Horrific symptoms of PTSD.... Things that I put myself through when I was struggling most..... Etc, etc, etc. My body has taken a major toll, and it's slowly slipping up.
My heart periodically skips beats and/or stops. It has done this in my sleep , especially these last few weeks... almost every night. It wakes me up, which is why I sleep very little. It's scary. At school, I can depend on it happening at least three times. There have been times where it happens several times per hour. It's down right scary.
With all of these things, including little and big things I can't talk about or don't feel is a good idea to dive into, I am holding on to the last few inches of my 'safety net'.
But. BUT. BUT! By no means does this man I am giving up. I am doing everything I can to hold on. I have too much I want and need to do in my life to give up. I have BEEN THROUGH too much to give up now. Considering how my life used to be, my life is amazing and a blessing. It always will be. True, I am facing trials that are beyond easy to cope with... But I am not alone. So many people are supporting me, even if they don't know my story. And for those who do know my story, I have received even more help from them.
Life is going to hurt... Life is going to be hard. But life will always be worth living. I am a testament to that... I have been through so much, and I will always continue fighting. I am a survivor, and proud of it... And I cannot forget that. People remind me everyday of that. I am so blessed... It is so hard at times. And I am struggling... Surviving is about struggling, and I certainly am right now. But someday, I'll be able to cope better. 'It all gets better in time.' Sometimes, though, it takes some things longer than others.
I just have to keep telling myself.. 'To get to the rainbow, you've got to feel the rain.'
Welp... This is going to be one of 'those' posts. Yeah, the ones that are happy and sad all wrapped into one happy yet depressing little... er... burrito? I don't know... DON'T ASK ME.
(Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy... Oops. Did I say that out loud? JOKE)
Anyway...
I did promise to write a post again soon.
AND LOOK AT ME!
I'm a good girl! Errr... usually. Awk.
Anyway... Ummm... San Fran!
Basically, that trip was ridiculous amazing! In three short days, my choir and the Chamber orchestra (which adds up to about 110 kids) went to see the San Fran Ballet, Cirque De Sollet (er... spelling probably butchered. oh wellz), as well as record in George Lucas' Skywalker Studios (and watch Star Trek in his private movie theatre) and have a clinic at San Jose University. We also went to the Japanese Tea Gardens and the museum across the way (the name escapes me...), as well as experience a bay boat tour and the wharf! (er.. spelling again??)
Between that and the AMAZING friends along the way, and the funny jokes... and... er... other benefits (haha.. 'he' is in the same choir), It was simply amazing! I took so many pictures, but I am slightly too lazy at the moment to put some up. Maybe later.
But.. [yupp.. here we go.] there was a problem...
We didn't sleep much. And... Well... I was already sick... Long story short... I fell really ill. I am still ill. More ill than usual, mind. Which kinda fast forwards to today on why this is so bad.
Today has been one of those days... I have not only been having a body ache, but a life ache.
Oh yeah. What IS a life/body ache? It's what my friends and I call my... conditions. Life aches are emotional/psychological pains. Body aches are physical ailments.
And today... I had both.
My life aches are usually bad when I have them. But boy, have I been having one. My grandpa is in a rehab center, because he had an intestinal 'tangle' (his intestines literally got tangled and caused an obstruction). He was int he hospital for about a week and a half, but they found he lost his ability to walk from being stuck in bed. So, he is in rehab to get physical therapy and to recover. However, things aren't going well. He is having renal (kidney) problems (almost failure) and his stomach is swelling so much, he looks like he is 8 months pregnant. He hasn't had any will to eat and lost all ambition to do anything but sleep. He has been in pain and he has lost a lot of weight. He is 78, so he's not exactly young. We are terrified for him.
It's scaring me... What if I lose my grandpa? He could die, and the thought makes me sick. I've managed to go three weeks without worrying about it... But I was able to visit him for the first time yesterday.. And he had this look in his eyes I am all too familiar with...
Story time! Er... but not a happy one.
When I was ten years old, my uncle got very sick. He was in the hospital. I visited him and he was so frail and ill. I sat with him, holding his hand. He told me I was helping a lot... But my help wasn't enough to put of his death... I basically watched him die. It was very... strange. But before he died, I looked into his eyes and saw this look of ease... and yet, suffering. He was in so much pain, but he looked willing to fight if it was meant to be. Though, at the same time, he wanted to just sleep.... both literally and metaphorically.
This look is one I saw in my grandpa's eyes. It could be coincidence, and there's a good chance my grandpa will be fine. But there's this large part of me who fears and grieves... I have seen sooooo much sorrow and pain in my life... It terrifies me to lose people or things close to me. Death scares me. Not just in others, but in myself. If I was to die, who would I be hurting? What business would be left undone? What questions would be left unanswered? What would I be missing? I know God has a plan for me... but sometimes, it scares me. I don't know when I am going to die. It could be tonight. It could be in 80 years. I don't know. And that scares me.
I have known people to die at the most unexpected times. Vick took his life when he wasn't yet 30. Another uncle of mine died in his 40's. My sister died at 11 months old... There are others I choose not to mention or delve into... Due to deep emotional roots and pains I still, as I have said, haven't been able to rid myself of... Loses that will stay with me forever. But regardless, none of these deaths were exactly 'natural'. True, my sister died of genetic illness. My uncle died from a stroke. But, you never expect the untimely deaths...
And I'm scared I will be the next in my family.
After all, I have escaped death so many times in my life... Someday, I could be bound to not escape. And it scares me. I don't want to die with regrets, or with things left undone, unsaid, unanswered, or unknown.
Which brings me to Body aches. Well, you can imagine... I've been ill for several years now. Part of it has been from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Some of it has been from... Well... The things I have left unnamed. And some of it has been completely unknown [we don't know the cause]. One of the problems is my heart.
My heart is very weak, and far too weak to keep up (at times) with my body and physical activity. Much of this, it is assumed, is from my surgery in October. But it hasn't gotten stronger all of track season, which is not a good sign. I first found out I had heart problems when I almost blacked out and went into Cardiac Arrest back in January, due to the fact that my heart couldn't keep up to my activities in track.
I have managed to avoid that issue since then... until today.
I don't know what it was, but we finished our running and I was unable to breathe... I was blacking out and my chest and right shoulder hurt like none other. My heart rate stayed up at an alarming high BPM (beats per minute) for nearly an hour and never settled down to normal until an hour after I left to go home. I should have gone to the hospital, but I knew that wouldn't happen.
A harsh fact is that I should have gone to a Cardiologist nearly 2 months ago. But... My mom wouldn't dream of taking me. The words 'doctor' and hospital mixed in with 'sick' or 'dying' don't seem to register, or if anything, cause her to go into denial and resist it. I don't have medical insurance... So I get to 'live' (pardon the word choice) with these horrible things. I played with death today... Again.
Every day, I get a little sicker... From the combination of ailments I have, they are slowly killing me, to be blunt. Whether or not I am 'dying', I wouldn't know for certain. But... To be honest, I'm not sure how much more my body can take. Passing out. Black outs. Seizures. Internal bleeding. Infections. Near heart failure. Blood poisoning. Horrific symptoms of PTSD.... Things that I put myself through when I was struggling most..... Etc, etc, etc. My body has taken a major toll, and it's slowly slipping up.
My heart periodically skips beats and/or stops. It has done this in my sleep , especially these last few weeks... almost every night. It wakes me up, which is why I sleep very little. It's scary. At school, I can depend on it happening at least three times. There have been times where it happens several times per hour. It's down right scary.
With all of these things, including little and big things I can't talk about or don't feel is a good idea to dive into, I am holding on to the last few inches of my 'safety net'.
But. BUT. BUT! By no means does this man I am giving up. I am doing everything I can to hold on. I have too much I want and need to do in my life to give up. I have BEEN THROUGH too much to give up now. Considering how my life used to be, my life is amazing and a blessing. It always will be. True, I am facing trials that are beyond easy to cope with... But I am not alone. So many people are supporting me, even if they don't know my story. And for those who do know my story, I have received even more help from them.
Life is going to hurt... Life is going to be hard. But life will always be worth living. I am a testament to that... I have been through so much, and I will always continue fighting. I am a survivor, and proud of it... And I cannot forget that. People remind me everyday of that. I am so blessed... It is so hard at times. And I am struggling... Surviving is about struggling, and I certainly am right now. But someday, I'll be able to cope better. 'It all gets better in time.' Sometimes, though, it takes some things longer than others.
I just have to keep telling myself.. 'To get to the rainbow, you've got to feel the rain.'
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