Saving Grace

So...
It's been a somewhat numb day for me. I woke up sick this morning, probably from crying so much last night. I was really upset about everything. But I did what I knew I could do to comfort myself: I turned to God. And I prayed. For a long time. At first, I felt so much worse. But, in an odd way, it was like sucking out venom from a bad rattlesnake bite. It got out all of the major pain from my hear. I understood the problems and pain that was tormenting me... but it wasn't trapped inside me, anymore.

This did something fairly weird... I woke up completely numb... I mean, I still was a little tormented a little by these things happening, but it wasn't sucking the life from me anymore....
And I realized that I'm not alone. There are still people who care.... And understand. I have three girls that I've been talking to over the last day.... One has been my friend for a long time, another has been a good friend of mine for a long time, and the other is a girl in my second hour, who has been following my post. So, here's to her.
To be completely honest, I never EVER expected anyone to read my post, let alone reach out like that. And it seriously made everything seem so much more... realistic. Before, it was surreal. I couldn't even comprehend anything that was happening. But now I have grasped it, and I am basically going to take the high road. I can't let this all forget about what is important. And for a while there, it was fogging it all.
Even though these memories are cracked with painful little moments, I have to remember all my little leaps of faith... Some call them revelations or epiphanies. And over the last... year? I have had so many... And not only about my faith in God, but my faith in life, people, and myself. Once upon a time, I used to let myself get abused, one way or another, by several people, because I was convinced I was so worthless that I deserved nothing better. But, over time... I learned that I do have worth. I like ot believe that everyone is a child of God, despite what anyone says... and every child of God has infinite worth, in one way or aanother. Every person has a purpose that puts them here... Whether it's a girl who gets married and has children, a boy who finds a cure for an illness... or just a girl that always smiles at you when you walk down the halls... Everything we do is another reason why we are important on this earth.
Now, I admit... I still have horrible self esteem... but I know that I have things to offer this world. Every trial I have been through gives me knowledge... And with this knowledge, I'm going to take it and help traumatized kids... help them find their worth. I'm going to save them from the black hole that trauma causes. No matter how bad things get, I have to remember that I am a fighter, a survivor. and even though I feel like giving up or giving in, I know that I have over come some of the hardest things a girl can go through. And I don't mean this to sound like a boast or anything... It's just how it is. And as much as I despise all of what happened to me, very few people can stand on their own two feet... pull their life together from rock bottom... and then turn back and put themselves in the middle of the pain to help someone else. And yes, that's what I'm going to do, because it's the only way I will get justice for what I have been through... The only way that the pain can go away for me.

So, even though I'm not liking all of this pain, I am much better now that I was. I was able to vent and reach out, and a couple hands grabbed on and are keeping me afloat. Granted, I can't guarantee I will be able to hold my head up high like I usually do.... or hide behind a smile. I do that a lot... But I will try, because I always give things a try before I give up... and I usually try for a long time. But even if this all is so, I have people on my side... I know that someone cares, which makes fighting all of these issues so much easier. Now it's time to climb the mountain and hope for the best....

Thinking About Heaven....

Things are just moving too fast.

I Can hardly catch my breath before it's knocked out of me again.
I almost feel like I am watching my life happen a minute behind reality. I watch as the moments that are good disappear because I don't embrace them... And then the bad ones linger because of my lack of reaction.
I feel like people expect me to be super-hero strong. I have all these people laying everything on me, whether it's by actions they do or things they say. And I just am not strong enough to carry them around anymore.
Basically... anytime anyone is frustrated, mad, worried, or WHATEVER... I am supposed to take their negative end of it. And then when I try reaching out to people... Most of the time ignored or brushed away. Or maybe they aren't. But people are definitely treating me differently. I am suddenly... Gosh, I don't know... Maybe I'm contaminated. Or maybe I am suddenly annoying. Or maybe they have changed. Or maybe I have changed. I can't keep up! I can't even breath... Just when I feel things get a little better, someone smashes it down. I can't handle feeling completely alone. I've been there before, and I don't wanna go back.

And it's not like I can go ANYWHERE and be just alone... My room is always being intruded on, when people come in and insult me, nag at me and tell me how lousy I am... Or to throw my things around and give me and my little tiny living space a dirty look... Or to give me more orders about things I HAVE to do, that really, I don't have to, they just want to control every. single. flipping. moment. of. my. life.
CONTROL!
OH
MY
GOSH!
I have lost all control for EVERYTHING. I have no life anymore. I just... somehow lost right to have my own life, no matter how much I try... And it is killing me! I need something I can call mine in my life, but someone has seized control on everything I like or care about.
I wish things could be like they were a few months ago... When I was happy. Now, I am so unhappy most of the time. And I hate being unhappy. I try to be happy... But everything that makes me happy just.... it's gone. I get hardly any pure joy. And by pure joy, I mean moments that aren't effaced with bad things or taken away by someone...

And then, of coarse, someone has to die. And now I don't think I'll be happy again for a long while. Maybe that means a week. Maybe months... But someone that I loved and cared about is just... gone. Yes, she's not in pain anymore and she's in such a good place... But everything that we knew together and ALL of our shared memories... GONE. Just like that. And it kills me to know that ever little piece of me can just disappear in a split second. This thought makes me feel so worthless that it almost makes me feel stupid for thinking life is worth living. But hey, I won't deny... when life is good, it's worth every moment of pain. But am I going to reach a good time any time soon?
The thing that somehow has popped up everywhere today is Homecoming. In september. And that makes me feel even more worthless. I'm a senior in high school... not once even been asked to a dance, let alone been to a school dance. Am I really that bad? I mean, really? People tell me I'm nice, pretty blah blah blah, and they wonder why I don't believe it? Well, part of it is the fact that I have never had a boy seriously look at me and like me more than just a friend.... No one who thought I worth a chance... even if it was as simple as putting up with me for a couples at a school dance, even just as friends.

I won't admit it in person.... But I want more than anything to be asked to a school dance. I don't want to just go by myself or with a group of friends who either weren't asked or didn't want to be asked... And i am tired of sitting at home and missing out. I'm still a girl, everybody... I want to feel beautiful... for just one night. And I know I make excuses for why I don't want to go... But I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm not missing anything. So what if the dances are weird or boring? I want to be able to say I went... I want to be able to say that someone asked me.... But no one has, and I don't anyone ever will. And it makes me want to cry. Or maybe it's just one thing too many for me.

Ug. I can't even think about it. I think I might die come the last few days before Homecoming when everyone is asking me who I'm going with... And I get to tell them that I never got asked... and that I'm not going... And I get to pretend that it's no big deal as they get that awkward look on their face... I get to pretend that my heart isn't shattered and broken from rejection

*sigh*
I am screaming out here.... and I still don't think anyone will hear me. I just need someone to know... to understand... to let me in their life... maybe give me a reason to prove myself wrong about life... I pray that it happens... but I can't expect anything. People are people... Life is life... And it just seems that both want to ostracize me. Oh, cool. I see how it is. I'll put myself on the chopping block again, I suppose. I'm just scared that this one more time will all I can take. Someone please... please help me. Please. If anyone reads this... Please. Say something to me. Anything. Please.... Please. I'm drowning and reaching out for a saving grace. All my oxygen has been pulled out of my lungs and I'm gasping for air.. Please help me. Please. I know I need help.Someone take a chance on me...

Woah

Woah....

Woah, woah, woah!
Can life like... slow down a little? I can't keep up!
So... in nine days? Ha. Check this:
Been to the ER twice. Been on a mental breakdown... like... eight billion times HA. Been happier than I can remember: a couple times. Been oblivious to the problems around me: a few hours... maybe a whole day? ha. Said hello to someone I haven't seen in basically a year: one. Said goodbye to someone I won't see for probably... years: one. Ummmm... I don't know. I like... Can't even remember much of anything going on right now.
I... I er.. HA! I am on percocets. Yeah. Kinda. Woah.  Not fun. I mean, there are times where it's the best ever because I just can't feel... anything. But at other times, such as walking... I HATE the dang things!
Anywho... I don't really want to write much, mainly because my memory just... sucks right now. But hopefully we will have some... Stuff. to share. soon. Yaaaaay.

Last Night

Last night's post made me think a lot. And I'm thinking now. And it seems like this whole post is the biggest, stinking mistake of my life. It's cowardly to think this, but now my problems are out for everyone to see. Honestly, I'd have rather just... kept them all inside and just keep pretending I'm okay. I mean, I know I should be getting help, but I don't want it. The more I've thought about it, the more I feel like I am just done trying. I want to give up, submit to whatever is happening. It would be so easy to quite. And I am almost at the point where I don't care what people think... It's not like I will be remembered much longer after I die. Sure, I'll hopefully be in Heaven, but people on Earth just won't remember. After a while, I'll be just a number.
So, this is really bad. I'm talking like a suicidal person. First thing people ought to know about me is that yes, once upon a time, I was. Second thing people should know is that I AM NOT ANYMORE. Yeah, I THINK about it and talk like it... but there's a big difference between thinking these things just as thoughts, and thinking about them as a desire. I don't desire anymore. Sometimes, like I said, I wish I could take someone's illness and just be done with it. But apparently there's a whole other plan for me. And for some reason... I'm not too optimistic about it.
For some reason, I am the happiest unhappy person in the world. Usually when I am unhappy, I can't even smile. I can't hold it in. Well... That has changed. I haven't really told anyone any of my problems for months... Not nearly most of them. And yet, here I am... Smiling?! It's really bad, to me. But here I am, making myself a bad person. Maybe that's what I want... Maybe my subconscious mind is defeating itself. Ha... Typical me. Of coarse I destroy everything good. I suppose that's just my stinking purpose in life....
Just kidding. Sorry. A bit bitter. I'm frustrated because I want someone to talk to. But everyone that I want to talk to doesn't deserve all my crap. Really. So I am putting myself on the chopping block.
Today, I felt like I was living in a war. Or a war about to break lose. I felt like I had made THE BIGGEST mistake of my life. I've made a similar mistake before, and I basically destroyed two friendships for months. But none of us seem to be friends anymore.. But now the friends I have are probably about to walk through the same thing that happened three years ago with me. I'm a life ruiner... Seriously... Just glancing at the thought... Everything I seem to involve myself in turns sour or bittersweet. Why is that? All I want to be is helpful.. All I want is for people to be happy. Why is it, then, that people somehow find out about my feelings? Why is it that I still give in once in a while and tell someone that things are not right? Why?! Why am I such a coward?! Why am I so selfish? It's the worst thing I can do and here I am... doing it...Not able to stop.

I just... I have no idea what is wrong with me. I just want to become invisible. Between all the secrets I'm still hiding, even from this site, and all the things that is general knowledge... I just want to disappear... Sometimes I secretly wish that I'd fall asleep and not wake up for a very long time... that I'd miss everything. I know that it's stupid,but I do. I don't feel like my heart, soul, and mind can take any more.
And to be honest (even though I've been honest this whole time, I say it for reinforcement), for once, that is not my fault. I blame the person who has been calling me worthless, lazy, irresponsible, sloppy, a liar, etc to my face every day. But it's true. Oh yeah, I SO love knowing I am worthless... Way to defeat everything that I have been working on... Way to go and say that to the girl who had the worst self esteem for years and was finally starting to have a little confidence... Way to go and turn my safe haven into a prison. I honestly feel like I am suffocation. I'm not safe anywhere anymore. There's always something that 'chokes' me at every place... And I just don't know how to cope.
Long story short... I really, truly, and honestly am not okay. And I can't believe that I thought I was. And what's worse is that I was so good at pretending that everyone seemed to believe it too. All I seem to be is one big lie. What a life to live...

Music...

Music...

I'll probably talk a lot about music... Because... Music is important.

There's a song... That I am obsessed with. Here are it's lyrics:

Pieces by RED

I'm here again

A thousand miles away from you

A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am

I tried so hard

Thought I could do this on my own

I've lost so much along the way

Then I see your face

I know I'm finally yours

I find everything I thought I lost before

You call my name

I come to you in pieces

So you can make me whole

I've come undone

But you make sense of who I am

Like puzzle pieces in your hand,

Then I see your face

I know I'm finally yours

I find everything I thought I lost before

You call my name

I come to you in pieces

So you can make me whole!

I tried so hard! So hard!

I tried so hard!

Then I see your face

I know I'm finally yours

I find everything I thought I lost before

You call my name

I come to you in pieces

So you can make me whole

So you can make me whole

It's my favorite... Here's a link to the song, because it is just... Oh my goodness:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3U6BCUQqG8
This song brings tears to my eyes. I am addicted to the sounds and words of this song. "I thought I could do this on my own." Oh. My. Goodness. I mean, how many of us think this? Ummm... Don't we all? We feel we can do this. 'I'm strong enough to make it through.' And yet, most of us grasp on to things like a life vest. With me... Life is just... Hard. I have to admit it. I can't keep holding it in... And yet, I've promised myself that I'll stop spouting off my problems to my friends, as much as I can... Because I'm done with unhappiness... Except for me. I can't stand to see people hurt! But I  need to vent. Life just... It's hitting me below the belt, you know? I went to the ER this weekend (long story...), some of my family is just being... Cruel... The little things are seriously adding up and it's making my life crumble....
"I come to you in pieces so you can make  me whole."
Gosh... Pieces. Yeah, that describes my life right now: Shattered. Usually I won't admit it... I don't like to admit that there are problems. I really don't. I hate it when people pity me. It's kinda a pride thing. I just... I don't want people thinking I'm weak. I'm supposed to be a survivor, a fighter...
But I am weak.

Sometimes I feel so defeated... I feel so distant from everyone.
"Here I am a thousand miles away."
A thousand miles... I feel that far from the world. I look at my friends and feel like there is a veil between us, these days. I feel like.. No matter how much I try, either I have done something wrong, I haven't done enough, or we just aren't... What we used to be.
Sometimes I feel like a ghost, just wondering by. At other times, I feel like a celebrity. People seem to be saying my name everywhere, then at other times, it's like I'm not even there. I'm not sure if I like this or not. Maybe it's just unfamiliar... I don't like change...
"I've lost so much along the way."
What if I am losing these friends of mine? These people who mean so much to me? What if, the day after graduation, they no longer are part of my life? What if this is all temporary? What if the me everyone knows will just be a memory to them after graduation night? I don't know why, but it's a horrible thought... I mean, to be honest, without my friends here and now... my life is basically... nothing. It's basically my life right now. And I'm trying to be the best friend I can be, but it just seems to be all of a waste.
"I tried so hard."
I tried so hard... 'Tried.' Past tense. I have tried hard. But what if I'm done trying? Sometimes I feel done... Like this is just the end of a chapter and I deserve to just have to move on? What if I am forced to move on or grow up faster than I should be yet again? I mean, all my past is this way... what's the difference now?
I actually care this time...
I dodn't used to care about anything... Not really. Yeah, friends were cool... But I didn't really consider it friendship. Most of them are gone now. I didn't care about me. I mean, why should I? I was treated like nothing back then... I had nothing to care about. But no I do. I have amazing friends that I'd die for in a second. I have great family who tries their best or loves me unconditionally... I actually care about myself... Sometimes. But what if that's all going away?
I feel like... I'm wasting my time by trying to be a friend at all. and I don't. know. why. Last year, I could talk to a friend and see the friendship. Now... I feel like I'm blind. I feel like we've all drifted away over summer. And it is killing me. I want to be able to talk to my friends again. But even if I could, I probably wouldn't. I seriously can't stand to see people worry... Friends or not, I still care.
"I tried so hard. Thought I could do this on my own."

There are those words... Haunting me. I KNOW I cannot do this on my own. I know I can't. But look at me: I still am trying. I am such a fool. But I just would rather die with all my secrets than have the ones I care about worried. If something was to happen... I wouldn't want them to feel the pain before hand. Like, if I found out I had terminal cancer... No one would know. I don't think I'd tell my friends... It's cruel, I know... I know it is. but It would kill me to see a single tear shed for me, a single expression of pain or grief. It's selfish, but I'd rather die without ever seeing a face or expression like that. Or maybe it's a smart thing... I don't know. I just... I am a horrible person, and I know it.
"I've come undone."
Yes. I have. I think my psych has finally broke. Sometimes I think about dying. No, I would NEVER take my life. It hurts others too badly, and I am not that bad of a person. But... Sometimes I wish that I could take Jasolyn's cancer instead, or take the problems my friends have.. all of them. I really would die for them. And sometimes my life doesn't seem worth fighting for....
Then I see your face."
Yeah... Then there are these moment... These moment where a friend is smiling at you... Like.. When a friend skypes you and is smiling and happy. They don't care if your hair is up in curlers or if you're in pajamas, or if you're acting weird. They are just happy and the same old friend you have known all along. And it gives me a little hope.
"I find everything I thought I lost before."
My friends are still here. They must care enough to smile and say my name in the halls... They must care to still sit and have lunch with me. They must still care enough to ask how your day was... They must still care enough to give you high fives and hugs...
"I come to you in pieces so you can make me whole."
There's a reason I'd die for my friends... They have saved my life. They give me a constant reason to live. They inspire me, love me for who I am... They care. They really do, even if my heart is too strained and broken to tell... It's like looking into a broken mirror... I can see something's there, but nothing is clear...
It's a wonder that I can ever do anything when music is playing. All of this just floods my mind when I listen to this song, among other things. And it's crazy  how one song creates such powerful emotions withing me...
People need to know... No matter how much I pretend, I'm still sick... I'm still in pain... I still struggle to get out of bed every single morning... I still struggle to see beauty in life... I still am broken... I still need help. Please don't let my smile fool you.  I will never tell anymore... I just can't bring myself to admit that I'm not okay. But I guess on here I can. I don't think many people, if any, read this. If they do... Thank you. It does mean a lot. I'm sure this is just a huge big rant or whatever... But It's like a Pensieve from Harry Potter... I put all the extra memories (in this case, emotions) on here so they don't circulate in my mind anymore...
I suppose that's all I want to say for now. Time to listen to this song some more. But, not until I try optimism...
No one said life would be easy, but it will always be worth living.

The Little Hero Named Jasolyn Rose

So... Odds are what I'm about to talk about now will come up again in future posts. And I'm okay with that.

Summer has not been an easy feat. True, others in my family are dealing with the same trial, though a little more close to home. It's heartbreaking and sad, and yet, each of us in our family has found a new hope, inspiration, and determination to stay strong, faithful, and together as a family.

A few weeks ago, I was up in Boise Idaho. It's beautiful there and I love all of my family up there dearly. My aunt and her eleven children (and their families) live there. All my cousins up there are like brothers and sisters to me. It's the closest I have. So when they are suffering, I feel the pain too. Perhaps I have involved myself too much... But I think that, in the end, having me involved will actually keep me, and maybe others, a little bit stronger.

My cousin, CJ, has a beautiful little girl named Jasolyn Rose. She is five years old and simply radiant. She has the biggest smile, the most precious laugh, an optimistic outlook on life, and a soaring spirit. She also was just diagnosed with Ewing's Sarcoma, which is a rare type of bone cancer. In some ways, it was a complete miracle that anyone found out about the cancer. How we did find out was when she jumped off the couch and broke her ankle. It was on the x-rays that they saw the white spot and decided to get it checked out. And after it was tested and all, they discovered that it was cancer.

The next few days were surreal. I couldn't believe this little girl had this killer disease! My relationship with her is like a distant aunt for a niece: I may not see her weekly, or even early... But she still means so much to me. The same goes for everyone up there in Boise: They are my family and I don't have to see them every day to have a close bond to each and every on of them.

It was when, one Sunday, we had the entire family together for a BBQ  that the reality of this hit me. For half an hour, I sat with beautiful Jasolyn and colored, talked, and helped her get around (she couldn't walk on her broken ankle). But perhaps the hardest moment for me to keep back the tears was when she showed me her little necklace. It was the word 'courage.' And Jasolyn, in a completely non-five-year-old sort of way, explained to me what courage meant. And man, if people could define words, Jasolyn would define courage.

Despite this horrible illness, she smiles daily. She grasped the thought of losing all of her hair through chemotherapy and thought positively (I want wigs!). She thought about the 3-5 days of being in the hospital as an adventure... Whether she does still, I'm sure she does... As I am back in Arizona, now. And what made me want to cry more was when she pleaded for me to be there after her surgery (explained later). I was afraid I wouldn't be able to be there, when she wanted me there so badly... But I was able to go.

The Tuesday after that BBQ, she went into a 3 hour surgery. She endured the surgery for her Central Line (basically where doctors put tubes into your aorta and string them to outside her body), had to have a sample of bone marrow taken out, and as well as a spot on her lung checked. Both of those procedures were to check and see if Jasolyn's cancer was spreading. Thank the Lord that it, so far, has not.

However, the battle isn't easy. I went to visit her in the hospital about an hour after the surgery. It was the day before I was to leave for Arizona. The poor angel was in terrible pain and was very tired, but she still managed to smile at me. She was happy to see me there, like I said I would. It was hard to see her in that much pain, and almost harder to watch her mom fight back tears, too. (Not constantly, but I saw glimmers of it).

CJ, her sister Stacie, and their mom have created a Facebook page for Jasolyn, so that everyone can stay up to date on Jasolyn's battle with cancer. It's only been two weeks since her surgery, and she has already endured one chemotherapy treatment and the lose of all of her hair. Today, all of her uncles shaved their heads for little Jasolyn, to show their support. If I was up there in Boise, my hair would be gone, too.

But instead of shaving my head for support, I am actually creating memories... I have dozens of photos of Jasolyn alone, with people, etc, and I am using picnik to edit these photos. I have quotes in each one, and I will print them out as photos and send them to her for her birthday, Christmas, etc. I'll also keep sending her letters and such.

The thing that I have realized is that this little girl is my hero. She is so strong and so courageous that I am simply amazed. A five year old girl is battling for her life, yet she still smiles, laughs, and loves unconditionally. She is not bitter or depressed... She is still the beautiful, radiant little girl we all know and love. If anything, this sweet little girl is an angel on earth. She gives me something to fight for that is so much bigger than me, but so important to me too. I too battle illness every single day. They are invisible illnesses, (other than side effects) and most of them chronic. Most of the time, I feel like giving up. But then I see this girl, who is less than a third of my age, fighting a battle so much harder than mine. Sure, I cannot go to a doctor to get my illnesses officially diagnosed... Sure, I could die any day if it got much worse... But I don't have a tumor raging war on my body (that I can be sure of). I don't have to endure chemotherapy, that wipes out all my white blood sells and makes me prone to viruses. I don't have to be carted around because of a broken ankle and because I'm too weak to move.... Yet, sometimes I find myself bitter. Jasolyn? No. She is strong.

For now, that's all I'll say about this. There's a lot going on in my life right now, but Jasolyn's seems to be the most important. I love her so much and I pray every day for her to have strength and to keep her outlook on this all. Jasolyn, I love you so much. You are the inspiration of my day to day life. Keep on fighting, sweet pea. Keep up the courage. You are loved so much, and I know that you will beat this.

(Picture at top of post is of Jasolyn at the BBQ... Pictures at bottom are of Jasolyn and CJ; and Jasolyn and her cousin Cynthia two years ago at my cousin's wedding)