Last night's post made me think a lot. And I'm thinking now. And it seems like this whole post is the biggest, stinking mistake of my life. It's cowardly to think this, but now my problems are out for everyone to see. Honestly, I'd have rather just... kept them all inside and just keep pretending I'm okay. I mean, I know I should be getting help, but I don't want it. The more I've thought about it, the more I feel like I am just done trying. I want to give up, submit to whatever is happening. It would be so easy to quite. And I am almost at the point where I don't care what people think... It's not like I will be remembered much longer after I die. Sure, I'll hopefully be in Heaven, but people on Earth just won't remember. After a while, I'll be just a number.
So, this is really bad. I'm talking like a suicidal person. First thing people ought to know about me is that yes, once upon a time, I was. Second thing people should know is that I AM NOT ANYMORE. Yeah, I THINK about it and talk like it... but there's a big difference between thinking these things just as thoughts, and thinking about them as a desire. I don't desire anymore. Sometimes, like I said, I wish I could take someone's illness and just be done with it. But apparently there's a whole other plan for me. And for some reason... I'm not too optimistic about it.
For some reason, I am the happiest unhappy person in the world. Usually when I am unhappy, I can't even smile. I can't hold it in. Well... That has changed. I haven't really told anyone any of my problems for months... Not nearly most of them. And yet, here I am... Smiling?! It's really bad, to me. But here I am, making myself a bad person. Maybe that's what I want... Maybe my subconscious mind is defeating itself. Ha... Typical me. Of coarse I destroy everything good. I suppose that's just my stinking purpose in life....
Just kidding. Sorry. A bit bitter. I'm frustrated because I want someone to talk to. But everyone that I want to talk to doesn't deserve all my crap. Really. So I am putting myself on the chopping block.
Today, I felt like I was living in a war. Or a war about to break lose. I felt like I had made THE BIGGEST mistake of my life. I've made a similar mistake before, and I basically destroyed two friendships for months. But none of us seem to be friends anymore.. But now the friends I have are probably about to walk through the same thing that happened three years ago with me. I'm a life ruiner... Seriously... Just glancing at the thought... Everything I seem to involve myself in turns sour or bittersweet. Why is that? All I want to be is helpful.. All I want is for people to be happy. Why is it, then, that people somehow find out about my feelings? Why is it that I still give in once in a while and tell someone that things are not right? Why?! Why am I such a coward?! Why am I so selfish? It's the worst thing I can do and here I am... doing it...Not able to stop.
So, this is really bad. I'm talking like a suicidal person. First thing people ought to know about me is that yes, once upon a time, I was. Second thing people should know is that I AM NOT ANYMORE. Yeah, I THINK about it and talk like it... but there's a big difference between thinking these things just as thoughts, and thinking about them as a desire. I don't desire anymore. Sometimes, like I said, I wish I could take someone's illness and just be done with it. But apparently there's a whole other plan for me. And for some reason... I'm not too optimistic about it.
For some reason, I am the happiest unhappy person in the world. Usually when I am unhappy, I can't even smile. I can't hold it in. Well... That has changed. I haven't really told anyone any of my problems for months... Not nearly most of them. And yet, here I am... Smiling?! It's really bad, to me. But here I am, making myself a bad person. Maybe that's what I want... Maybe my subconscious mind is defeating itself. Ha... Typical me. Of coarse I destroy everything good. I suppose that's just my stinking purpose in life....
Just kidding. Sorry. A bit bitter. I'm frustrated because I want someone to talk to. But everyone that I want to talk to doesn't deserve all my crap. Really. So I am putting myself on the chopping block.
Today, I felt like I was living in a war. Or a war about to break lose. I felt like I had made THE BIGGEST mistake of my life. I've made a similar mistake before, and I basically destroyed two friendships for months. But none of us seem to be friends anymore.. But now the friends I have are probably about to walk through the same thing that happened three years ago with me. I'm a life ruiner... Seriously... Just glancing at the thought... Everything I seem to involve myself in turns sour or bittersweet. Why is that? All I want to be is helpful.. All I want is for people to be happy. Why is it, then, that people somehow find out about my feelings? Why is it that I still give in once in a while and tell someone that things are not right? Why?! Why am I such a coward?! Why am I so selfish? It's the worst thing I can do and here I am... doing it...Not able to stop.
I just... I have no idea what is wrong with me. I just want to become invisible. Between all the secrets I'm still hiding, even from this site, and all the things that is general knowledge... I just want to disappear... Sometimes I secretly wish that I'd fall asleep and not wake up for a very long time... that I'd miss everything. I know that it's stupid,but I do. I don't feel like my heart, soul, and mind can take any more.
And to be honest (even though I've been honest this whole time, I say it for reinforcement), for once, that is not my fault. I blame the person who has been calling me worthless, lazy, irresponsible, sloppy, a liar, etc to my face every day. But it's true. Oh yeah, I SO love knowing I am worthless... Way to defeat everything that I have been working on... Way to go and say that to the girl who had the worst self esteem for years and was finally starting to have a little confidence... Way to go and turn my safe haven into a prison. I honestly feel like I am suffocation. I'm not safe anywhere anymore. There's always something that 'chokes' me at every place... And I just don't know how to cope.
Long story short... I really, truly, and honestly am not okay. And I can't believe that I thought I was. And what's worse is that I was so good at pretending that everyone seemed to believe it too. All I seem to be is one big lie. What a life to live...
And to be honest (even though I've been honest this whole time, I say it for reinforcement), for once, that is not my fault. I blame the person who has been calling me worthless, lazy, irresponsible, sloppy, a liar, etc to my face every day. But it's true. Oh yeah, I SO love knowing I am worthless... Way to defeat everything that I have been working on... Way to go and say that to the girl who had the worst self esteem for years and was finally starting to have a little confidence... Way to go and turn my safe haven into a prison. I honestly feel like I am suffocation. I'm not safe anywhere anymore. There's always something that 'chokes' me at every place... And I just don't know how to cope.
Long story short... I really, truly, and honestly am not okay. And I can't believe that I thought I was. And what's worse is that I was so good at pretending that everyone seemed to believe it too. All I seem to be is one big lie. What a life to live...
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