Music...
There's a song... That I am obsessed with. Here are it's lyrics:
It's my favorite... Here's a link to the song, because it is just... Oh my goodness:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3U6BCUQqG8
This song brings tears to my eyes. I am addicted to the sounds and words of this song. "I thought I could do this on my own." Oh. My. Goodness. I mean, how many of us think this? Ummm... Don't we all? We feel we can do this. 'I'm strong enough to make it through.' And yet, most of us grasp on to things like a life vest. With me... Life is just... Hard. I have to admit it. I can't keep holding it in... And yet, I've promised myself that I'll stop spouting off my problems to my friends, as much as I can... Because I'm done with unhappiness... Except for me. I can't stand to see people hurt! But I need to vent. Life just... It's hitting me below the belt, you know? I went to the ER this weekend (long story...), some of my family is just being... Cruel... The little things are seriously adding up and it's making my life crumble....
"I come to you in pieces so you can make me whole."
Gosh... Pieces. Yeah, that describes my life right now: Shattered. Usually I won't admit it... I don't like to admit that there are problems. I really don't. I hate it when people pity me. It's kinda a pride thing. I just... I don't want people thinking I'm weak. I'm supposed to be a survivor, a fighter...
But I am weak.
Pieces by RED
I'm here again
A thousand miles away from you
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way
Then I see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole
I've come undone
But you make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in your hand,
Then I see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole!
I tried so hard! So hard!
I tried so hard!
Then I see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole
So you can make me whole
It's my favorite... Here's a link to the song, because it is just... Oh my goodness:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3U6BCUQqG8
This song brings tears to my eyes. I am addicted to the sounds and words of this song. "I thought I could do this on my own." Oh. My. Goodness. I mean, how many of us think this? Ummm... Don't we all? We feel we can do this. 'I'm strong enough to make it through.' And yet, most of us grasp on to things like a life vest. With me... Life is just... Hard. I have to admit it. I can't keep holding it in... And yet, I've promised myself that I'll stop spouting off my problems to my friends, as much as I can... Because I'm done with unhappiness... Except for me. I can't stand to see people hurt! But I need to vent. Life just... It's hitting me below the belt, you know? I went to the ER this weekend (long story...), some of my family is just being... Cruel... The little things are seriously adding up and it's making my life crumble....
"I come to you in pieces so you can make me whole."
Gosh... Pieces. Yeah, that describes my life right now: Shattered. Usually I won't admit it... I don't like to admit that there are problems. I really don't. I hate it when people pity me. It's kinda a pride thing. I just... I don't want people thinking I'm weak. I'm supposed to be a survivor, a fighter...
But I am weak.
Sometimes I feel so defeated... I feel so distant from everyone.
"Here I am a thousand miles away."
A thousand miles... I feel that far from the world. I look at my friends and feel like there is a veil between us, these days. I feel like.. No matter how much I try, either I have done something wrong, I haven't done enough, or we just aren't... What we used to be.
Sometimes I feel like a ghost, just wondering by. At other times, I feel like a celebrity. People seem to be saying my name everywhere, then at other times, it's like I'm not even there. I'm not sure if I like this or not. Maybe it's just unfamiliar... I don't like change...
"I've lost so much along the way."
What if I am losing these friends of mine? These people who mean so much to me? What if, the day after graduation, they no longer are part of my life? What if this is all temporary? What if the me everyone knows will just be a memory to them after graduation night? I don't know why, but it's a horrible thought... I mean, to be honest, without my friends here and now... my life is basically... nothing. It's basically my life right now. And I'm trying to be the best friend I can be, but it just seems to be all of a waste.
"I tried so hard."
I tried so hard... 'Tried.' Past tense. I have tried hard. But what if I'm done trying? Sometimes I feel done... Like this is just the end of a chapter and I deserve to just have to move on? What if I am forced to move on or grow up faster than I should be yet again? I mean, all my past is this way... what's the difference now?
I actually care this time...
I dodn't used to care about anything... Not really. Yeah, friends were cool... But I didn't really consider it friendship. Most of them are gone now. I didn't care about me. I mean, why should I? I was treated like nothing back then... I had nothing to care about. But no I do. I have amazing friends that I'd die for in a second. I have great family who tries their best or loves me unconditionally... I actually care about myself... Sometimes. But what if that's all going away?
I feel like... I'm wasting my time by trying to be a friend at all. and I don't. know. why. Last year, I could talk to a friend and see the friendship. Now... I feel like I'm blind. I feel like we've all drifted away over summer. And it is killing me. I want to be able to talk to my friends again. But even if I could, I probably wouldn't. I seriously can't stand to see people worry... Friends or not, I still care.
"I tried so hard. Thought I could do this on my own."
There are those words... Haunting me. I KNOW I cannot do this on my own. I know I can't. But look at me: I still am trying. I am such a fool. But I just would rather die with all my secrets than have the ones I care about worried. If something was to happen... I wouldn't want them to feel the pain before hand. Like, if I found out I had terminal cancer... No one would know. I don't think I'd tell my friends... It's cruel, I know... I know it is. but It would kill me to see a single tear shed for me, a single expression of pain or grief. It's selfish, but I'd rather die without ever seeing a face or expression like that. Or maybe it's a smart thing... I don't know. I just... I am a horrible person, and I know it.
"I've come undone."
Yes. I have. I think my psych has finally broke. Sometimes I think about dying. No, I would NEVER take my life. It hurts others too badly, and I am not that bad of a person. But... Sometimes I wish that I could take Jasolyn's cancer instead, or take the problems my friends have.. all of them. I really would die for them. And sometimes my life doesn't seem worth fighting for....
Then I see your face."
Yeah... Then there are these moment... These moment where a friend is smiling at you... Like.. When a friend skypes you and is smiling and happy. They don't care if your hair is up in curlers or if you're in pajamas, or if you're acting weird. They are just happy and the same old friend you have known all along. And it gives me a little hope.
"I find everything I thought I lost before."
My friends are still here. They must care enough to smile and say my name in the halls... They must care to still sit and have lunch with me. They must still care enough to ask how your day was... They must still care enough to give you high fives and hugs...
"I come to you in pieces so you can make me whole."
There's a reason I'd die for my friends... They have saved my life. They give me a constant reason to live. They inspire me, love me for who I am... They care. They really do, even if my heart is too strained and broken to tell... It's like looking into a broken mirror... I can see something's there, but nothing is clear...
It's a wonder that I can ever do anything when music is playing. All of this just floods my mind when I listen to this song, among other things. And it's crazy how one song creates such powerful emotions withing me...
People need to know... No matter how much I pretend, I'm still sick... I'm still in pain... I still struggle to get out of bed every single morning... I still struggle to see beauty in life... I still am broken... I still need help. Please don't let my smile fool you. I will never tell anymore... I just can't bring myself to admit that I'm not okay. But I guess on here I can. I don't think many people, if any, read this. If they do... Thank you. It does mean a lot. I'm sure this is just a huge big rant or whatever... But It's like a Pensieve from Harry Potter... I put all the extra memories (in this case, emotions) on here so they don't circulate in my mind anymore...
I suppose that's all I want to say for now. Time to listen to this song some more. But, not until I try optimism...
No one said life would be easy, but it will always be worth living.
"Here I am a thousand miles away."
A thousand miles... I feel that far from the world. I look at my friends and feel like there is a veil between us, these days. I feel like.. No matter how much I try, either I have done something wrong, I haven't done enough, or we just aren't... What we used to be.
Sometimes I feel like a ghost, just wondering by. At other times, I feel like a celebrity. People seem to be saying my name everywhere, then at other times, it's like I'm not even there. I'm not sure if I like this or not. Maybe it's just unfamiliar... I don't like change...
"I've lost so much along the way."
What if I am losing these friends of mine? These people who mean so much to me? What if, the day after graduation, they no longer are part of my life? What if this is all temporary? What if the me everyone knows will just be a memory to them after graduation night? I don't know why, but it's a horrible thought... I mean, to be honest, without my friends here and now... my life is basically... nothing. It's basically my life right now. And I'm trying to be the best friend I can be, but it just seems to be all of a waste.
"I tried so hard."
I tried so hard... 'Tried.' Past tense. I have tried hard. But what if I'm done trying? Sometimes I feel done... Like this is just the end of a chapter and I deserve to just have to move on? What if I am forced to move on or grow up faster than I should be yet again? I mean, all my past is this way... what's the difference now?
I actually care this time...
I dodn't used to care about anything... Not really. Yeah, friends were cool... But I didn't really consider it friendship. Most of them are gone now. I didn't care about me. I mean, why should I? I was treated like nothing back then... I had nothing to care about. But no I do. I have amazing friends that I'd die for in a second. I have great family who tries their best or loves me unconditionally... I actually care about myself... Sometimes. But what if that's all going away?
I feel like... I'm wasting my time by trying to be a friend at all. and I don't. know. why. Last year, I could talk to a friend and see the friendship. Now... I feel like I'm blind. I feel like we've all drifted away over summer. And it is killing me. I want to be able to talk to my friends again. But even if I could, I probably wouldn't. I seriously can't stand to see people worry... Friends or not, I still care.
"I tried so hard. Thought I could do this on my own."
"I've come undone."
Yes. I have. I think my psych has finally broke. Sometimes I think about dying. No, I would NEVER take my life. It hurts others too badly, and I am not that bad of a person. But... Sometimes I wish that I could take Jasolyn's cancer instead, or take the problems my friends have.. all of them. I really would die for them. And sometimes my life doesn't seem worth fighting for....
Then I see your face."
Yeah... Then there are these moment... These moment where a friend is smiling at you... Like.. When a friend skypes you and is smiling and happy. They don't care if your hair is up in curlers or if you're in pajamas, or if you're acting weird. They are just happy and the same old friend you have known all along. And it gives me a little hope.
"I find everything I thought I lost before."
My friends are still here. They must care enough to smile and say my name in the halls... They must care to still sit and have lunch with me. They must still care enough to ask how your day was... They must still care enough to give you high fives and hugs...
"I come to you in pieces so you can make me whole."
There's a reason I'd die for my friends... They have saved my life. They give me a constant reason to live. They inspire me, love me for who I am... They care. They really do, even if my heart is too strained and broken to tell... It's like looking into a broken mirror... I can see something's there, but nothing is clear...
It's a wonder that I can ever do anything when music is playing. All of this just floods my mind when I listen to this song, among other things. And it's crazy how one song creates such powerful emotions withing me...
People need to know... No matter how much I pretend, I'm still sick... I'm still in pain... I still struggle to get out of bed every single morning... I still struggle to see beauty in life... I still am broken... I still need help. Please don't let my smile fool you. I will never tell anymore... I just can't bring myself to admit that I'm not okay. But I guess on here I can. I don't think many people, if any, read this. If they do... Thank you. It does mean a lot. I'm sure this is just a huge big rant or whatever... But It's like a Pensieve from Harry Potter... I put all the extra memories (in this case, emotions) on here so they don't circulate in my mind anymore...
I suppose that's all I want to say for now. Time to listen to this song some more. But, not until I try optimism...
No one said life would be easy, but it will always be worth living.
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