Who Am I?

In my life, I have seen many things. I have been through many experiences and trials. I used to believe that I was nothing... I was worth nothing, and no one cared. I was merely an existence, or, if anything, a burden on people. But time changes people... And it certainly changed me. There was much that I seemed blind to, but it's as if, now, I can see.

A bit about my life, perhaps in one paragraph. It is hard to sum up seventeen years of life, though I find many are able to do so with twenty, thirty, forty, etc years under their belt... But also, they leave out everything that really defines a person. People think that the things that happen to them in their life is what defines them. What people fail to see is that it's how people grasp what happens... How they react to life, that truly defines a person... By nevertheless, if I was to recite everything that has been a major effect on my life, it is a task capable of containing to a paragraph or too, though hard.

I am my mother's only living child. My half-sister died eight years before me, at 11 months old. My parents were not married, and by the time I was four, my father was out of the picture. His daughter (my other half-sister) went with him. My father substitute was my stepfather, who my mother started dating when I was three. (My parents were never officially together). And so, He was the stay at home parent most of the time when I was growing up. Mom worked a lot. But, over the coarse of thirteen years, we moved place to place, and... I faced abuse in each home.

When I was fifteen, he threatened (while drunk) that he was going to kill himself. It was then that my mother decided to leave, though it was a decision long past due. Even still... by the end of Christmas, my mother and I had officially moved in with my maternal grandparents. I've been living here for a year and a half. I only have one more year until I can leave, for it's my last year in high school.

As it is, I have left out most of my life in those two paragraphs. I've left out little things, like how three of my cousins had lived with my mother and I for a various periods of times. I left out that I currently have a dog and a bird, which I raised. I've left out that I am in love with music and that it makes my world go 'round. I left out that I love to travel, take photographs, write books, draw, and be with my friends.

People wonder why these little things are important. Why? Because they are me. Sure, what happens to me has an impact. But it doesn't define me. If I was defined by what life has handed to me, I would be a terrible person. But isn't it true that most people who are dealt tough trials turn out to be good, decent people? I am not any different. I'm not boasting, and I'm definitely not conceited. But, I know that I am not a bad person. It took me thirteen years to figure that out... From the moment my step-father's abuse started happening, my self-esteem plummeted so far that I never thought I'd be whole again. But, that only goes to show what friendship can do...

When I was fifteen, I started high school at a high school. It was a school that I had heard many rumors about. Most of them went to say that the kids there were snobs, mean, eager to pick fights and bully those who didn't share the same beliefs. And I came to this school by myself. All my junior high friends were going to other schools... And I was going here. But to my pleasant surprise, my high school was the complete opposite of the rumors. It has some of the nicest, kindest, good-natured, positive, and decent people I have ever met. And I am very blessed to say that many of them are my friends.

But I came to this school, basically, a broken girl. I had damage that I thought to be irreversible. I thought I was repulsive, as far as looks and quality of person. But others did not see the same girl as I saw. And, I was the one who was wrong. Though I had, up to then, been living a poor quality of life as far as friends, choices, outlooks, and reactions, everything seemed to vanish at this new school. Even as my friends started uncovering my secrets, I was still a good person.

It takes a lot to admit your faults to someone. And it takes a lot of courage to be able to tell your best friend these things. And it was hard the first time I told someone even a fraction about the things that I had done and been through. For a long time, I thought that if I was to say anything, the situations would reflect me, especially the things that I had done. But to my surprise, no one that has heard my story has every thought I was any less of a good person than I was. But there was one thing they could see that I couldn't: a change of heart.

It's hard to notice subtle changes when you, in reality, live with yourself 24/7. And because of this, I had failed to see that I no longer was the person I used to be. Some people don't believe that people can change. However, I am a living example. I will never go back to being that person I was just a mere three years ago. Not to justify myself for any reason, but to merely state, I had good reasons for being who I was back then. But, I have found better and more effective ways of being a person.

The person that I am proud of is a girl who lives for her friends. And it may sound stupid of cliche or whatever, but it's true. My friends have literally saved my life, and they have brought me back to the light, in more ways than one. They have shown me the way to recovery. They have always been kind and loving, trustworthy and always there to listen. They have supported me through dark times, which is more than I could have ever asked for. They have been there with smiles for the good times, and there with hugs and tissues for the sad times. Some of my happiest memories have been with them, and I owe them so much. I am looking forward to our senior year together, though it will be terribly sad to say goodbye to many of these people. I know that many of us will keep in touch, but time, space, and life in general will leave its mark.

I am, as I have said, passionate about the arts. I am in choir and have made amazing accomplishments with it. I was nineteenth chair in our region, and fourth alternate for All-State. I am in orchestra, where I play the cello. It's a beautiful instrument that speaks to my soul. I love to draw, though I'm not very good. I love to write, which makes up for my lacking skills in drawing. I have started a dozen or so books, intending to finish, but have only made respectable progress on two of them. In time, they each will be finished.

I also have a passion for Track and Field. I am a thrower (Shot Put and Discus). I LOVE it so much. I have an 85 ft disc personal record, and a 31 ft 9 in shot record. Next year, I have big expectations for my throwing. I've been working long and hard for my time on varsity, and I hope that it's now. I hope to continue throwing in college.

Some other things.... most of them completely random: I have two food/drink addictions. They are Reese's and Dr. Pepper. 'Nuff' said. My favorite animals are horses and wolves. They are beautiful creatures. My favorite color is blue. I have blue eyes. My eyes are the only thing that I have always thought beautiful about myself. Perhaps it's because they seem to have words and emotions swimming through them. (or so I have been told). I have thirteen cousins, 11 of which live in Boise. Woot Woot!! I love visiting them. The other two live near me. Both of them are enlisted in the Navy. Robert has been station in Goose Creek, SC since November or so. Heather is about to go to boot camp after a final trip to Boise. I plan to go to college to become a social worker/counselor for traumatized children. It's my passion to help people, especially by listening and helping through words.

And the last thing I want to say is my favorite quote. It's actually a line from a song. It's not a known song, for my mom is the singer, and the song is  not publicly published. However, I have heard it many times. The line is a metaphor and means a great deal about life, and I find it is one of the truest statements to live by. It's the theme of this blog, and it's the thing I live by, in a way.

To get to

the rainbow,

you've got to

feel the rain.