I was recently talking to a good friend of mine on Facebook the other day. I made a statement: There is not a single thing normal about me. Perhaps it's true. In some ways, I am very thankful. Sometimes, though, it's a setback... But it makes me think, a lot, about who I am, what I want to be, and how I want to go about it.
There's been a lot of internal drama with me lately... I've sort of cut myself off from the world, afraid (once again) of hurting myself. Not necessarily physically (like most people would think), but emotionally and mentally. I have built myself up quite a bit since the start of high school. But I'm always afraid that I have some weak links that will break on me... And perhaps they will...
But the stress doesn't help. A lot of my family here in Arizona are being... Extremely unreasonable about some choices I really want to make. But they refuse to be open minded or tolerant... And it's almost completely offensive, because deep down in my heart, it's the most important thing in my life. Some would think I am being ridiculous about it... that my family doesn't have anything to do with whether or not I go through immediately and openly with what I want. But something I know is that family is forever.
Yes... Family IS forever. What I do now can effect eternity... And in the end, I want to go about this in the best way. I need them to see what type of person I am because of this choice... and THEN tell them why I am the way that I am. Perhaps they will understand, then. I can withstand the questions and jeers and insults after I have imprinted my choice in my daily life for a while...
Which is why I want to go out of state for college. I want to get away from basically all of my family, so I can make my choices and not have to deal with other people's opinions, nagging, etc. And who cares if it costs more? I don't... So maybe that's what I'll do...
The fact is, I hate summer. Summer, for many, is the best. It's too long, though. And for me, I always end off worse during summer. Up until a couple of days ago, I've been seriously sick. I have to have surgery later this summer, as a result, which is nerve racking. But with summer, I end up spending more time with my family than I want. I love my mother and grandparents dearly... But a couple of hours a day is all I can stand- not 24/7!!!! I mean, I do get to vacation in a week... Which will be lovely. I get to go to Boise. But I just want to get away from the same old crap... Excluding school. I can handle school. My friends are a God sent.
The other thing that isn't really that good about summer is that I think a lot... On life.
Life... yikes, sometimes that is a very scary word! But I think so much... I think about the things I desperately want, the things I'm afraid of, the things that could happen, blah blah blah! But after a while, it tears me down! And it's not good for me! I need to keep myself as happy as possible. Sometimes I take sadness very poorly. I guess you could say I've had so much of it from my past that I just get flustered with another trial. I do get lots of support from friends, but I get so scared that maybe I will break... I mean, I have before. But I've changed since then, and I don't want to go back. I know I am stronger than that girl I used to be.
Strong... That's always the word people use for me. And you know what? I am a strong person. I don't think anyone can deny it. I'm a survivor to the fullest, and I am a pretty good person, despite all the crap I've had to put up with. And you know what? You bet I take pride in that. Not many can go through what I have and be able to keep their head high and their hands clean too. Sure, I had a rough patch. But I was also twelve, thirteen, and fourteen when that was happening. Who WASN'T somewhat rotten at that age? We all are our worst at about that age... So, I'm no different than most people, although for completely different reasons...
I'm not sure I'm ready to wear my past on my sleeves yet. Maybe I will be able to sometime here soon. I'm not ashamed, because I know that the past is done and it won't happen again. And what has happened to me is something I've overcome. Sure, it still hurts... But it does NOT own me and it does NOT define me. I refuse to be 'that poor abused girl'. No... I'm the 'fighter'. I'm the 'strong girl', the 'survivor'. And I take so much pride in that. I don't want people to pity me. I want them to know that I overcame it, and turned out fairly decent. I want people to understand that things may effect me differently, that I'm a bit sensitive on certain subjects... But I also want them to see that it has not taken control of my life. It's just the reason I am who I am. And yes, what happened to me has formed me as who I am... But I decided how. I could have totally thrown my life away. I could have made my life a teenage tragedy, the sob-story, the story that make people say, 'Awh, what a shame... what a waste.' But that's not what I chose. I hate to admit it, but the path I chose was the path to put people in awe... People tell me all the time that I am a great example... especially in how I can stay positive through even the worst. People admire my triumph in life. and I don't mind that. I want people to remember me as the girl who not only survived, but thrived. and you know what? I intend to thrive. I intend to get my degree, get a good job, get married, raise a family, and leave this earth leaving behind a great legacy.
I am human... I do have my days where the sun doesn't seem to shine... But it's normal (maybe I am not so odd after all?). I also pick myself up and look at the positive things in my life...
Now, I definitely cannot take all the credit. I have my faith... And my Heavenly Father provides so much for me... One of the greatest blessings is my friends. One of my friends, Rachel, is a great listener... And she gets most of where I have been... Maybe not personally, but she had definitely shared a couple of trials with me. And in general, she is an amazing girl. She is very talented. Her music ability is fantastic, inspiring, and lifts the spirit. She has always been there for me and she has always listened to me and she has never judged me, even on some of my worst faults. She is truly amazing. Another friend, Jenny, is also extremely amazing. She and I are definitely Harry Potter buddies... Which is very important to me :) But she was my first friend in high school, and she has been such an amazing friend to me. She has always been there for me, like most of my friends. She has also provided many, many laughs. Which is good. My friend Aly is the one that reminds me Life is Good. When I think of Aly, that is what I think of... That and Chocolate... But she was one of the first people that I opened up to in H.S. And she was so kind and helpful. She helped keep me strong when I was ready to give up and try and 'throw in the towel.' She is very happy and smiley, and always positive about life. And she is such a great girl to be around. Then there's Annie... She graduated this year, and I'm soooo going to miss this girl. She's one of the funniest people I know. And she is very outgoing. She sees good in everyone and is someone who can listen to your problems and come back with some crazy great advice that isn't necessarily the regular, standard advice... there's a lot I'd love to say about her, but she has put her trust in me to not say anything. And I'd never think of betraying that trust. And then there's Hillary. This girl... She is one outstanding person. I say so because almost everyone knows and respects her because she loves and respects everyone she knows. I don't thin anyone would disagree with me when I say that she is probably one of the sweetest human beings I have ever met, and just overall a fantastic person...
There was a time when something very drastic happened in my junior year. And I couldn't stand to tell anyone. I didn't want to, not even my closest friends. And, when talking to Hillary via text about school in general, somehow the fact that I was in so much emotional pain from this situation came up, but I just couldn't tell her. But she never let up. I think our Heavenly Father was working especially through her at that moment, because she made sure she was going to talk to me. And we did. And, for some reason, I decided to tell her everything. Maybe it was me being weak... Or maybe it was a Higher Plan at work... I strongly feel it was the latter, though... And I'll tell you why. She said she didn't think she could help me, but she wanted to try. But in reality, she has given me two of the greatest gifts that I have ever received, other than being a great, supportive friend. One was a very special book that was her own, which I chose to leave unnamed, due to my personal situation. But all the same, she gave me her own copy, and of which has brought many blessings and inspiration to me. But the second thing probably made the most impact on my life. It was a C.D. she entitled Simple Grace. It was music that was about our Heavenly Father's love, about how we should love one another, about how we have infinite worth as human beings/children of God, and about how every one of God's children is special and loved. And that CD is one of my most favorite possessions. And this CD has actually given me more blessings than anyone could have known... And I especially give Hillary the credit for being such an amazing friend and just knowing the best way to help me... Music in itself soothes the soul... But this music has been able to heal my soul of the many scars, wounds, and cracks that nothing else could repair.
My friends really are one of my greatest blessings. And I wouldn't be anything without them.
Maybe that's why summer is so hard for me... I go so long without my friends that I feel so far away from the world... so far from who I am. Maybe that could be a bad thing in the long run, but for now, I don't mind. If I have that good of friends, then I consider myself immensely blessed.
So, truth is, life is not easy. But, life IS good. And Maybe the whole point of this blog is to remind myself that though the going may be tough, it will always be worth it...
I have to always remember... To get to the rainbow, you've got to feel the rain.
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