Things are just moving too fast.
I Can hardly catch my breath before it's knocked out of me again.
I almost feel like I am watching my life happen a minute behind reality. I watch as the moments that are good disappear because I don't embrace them... And then the bad ones linger because of my lack of reaction.
I feel like people expect me to be super-hero strong. I have all these people laying everything on me, whether it's by actions they do or things they say. And I just am not strong enough to carry them around anymore.
Basically... anytime anyone is frustrated, mad, worried, or WHATEVER... I am supposed to take their negative end of it. And then when I try reaching out to people... Most of the time ignored or brushed away. Or maybe they aren't. But people are definitely treating me differently. I am suddenly... Gosh, I don't know... Maybe I'm contaminated. Or maybe I am suddenly annoying. Or maybe they have changed. Or maybe I have changed. I can't keep up! I can't even breath... Just when I feel things get a little better, someone smashes it down. I can't handle feeling completely alone. I've been there before, and I don't wanna go back.
I almost feel like I am watching my life happen a minute behind reality. I watch as the moments that are good disappear because I don't embrace them... And then the bad ones linger because of my lack of reaction.
I feel like people expect me to be super-hero strong. I have all these people laying everything on me, whether it's by actions they do or things they say. And I just am not strong enough to carry them around anymore.
Basically... anytime anyone is frustrated, mad, worried, or WHATEVER... I am supposed to take their negative end of it. And then when I try reaching out to people... Most of the time ignored or brushed away. Or maybe they aren't. But people are definitely treating me differently. I am suddenly... Gosh, I don't know... Maybe I'm contaminated. Or maybe I am suddenly annoying. Or maybe they have changed. Or maybe I have changed. I can't keep up! I can't even breath... Just when I feel things get a little better, someone smashes it down. I can't handle feeling completely alone. I've been there before, and I don't wanna go back.
And it's not like I can go ANYWHERE and be just alone... My room is always being intruded on, when people come in and insult me, nag at me and tell me how lousy I am... Or to throw my things around and give me and my little tiny living space a dirty look... Or to give me more orders about things I HAVE to do, that really, I don't have to, they just want to control every. single. flipping. moment. of. my. life.
CONTROL!
OH
MY
GOSH!
I have lost all control for EVERYTHING. I have no life anymore. I just... somehow lost right to have my own life, no matter how much I try... And it is killing me! I need something I can call mine in my life, but someone has seized control on everything I like or care about.
I wish things could be like they were a few months ago... When I was happy. Now, I am so unhappy most of the time. And I hate being unhappy. I try to be happy... But everything that makes me happy just.... it's gone. I get hardly any pure joy. And by pure joy, I mean moments that aren't effaced with bad things or taken away by someone...
CONTROL!
OH
MY
GOSH!
I have lost all control for EVERYTHING. I have no life anymore. I just... somehow lost right to have my own life, no matter how much I try... And it is killing me! I need something I can call mine in my life, but someone has seized control on everything I like or care about.
I wish things could be like they were a few months ago... When I was happy. Now, I am so unhappy most of the time. And I hate being unhappy. I try to be happy... But everything that makes me happy just.... it's gone. I get hardly any pure joy. And by pure joy, I mean moments that aren't effaced with bad things or taken away by someone...
And then, of coarse, someone has to die. And now I don't think I'll be happy again for a long while. Maybe that means a week. Maybe months... But someone that I loved and cared about is just... gone. Yes, she's not in pain anymore and she's in such a good place... But everything that we knew together and ALL of our shared memories... GONE. Just like that. And it kills me to know that ever little piece of me can just disappear in a split second. This thought makes me feel so worthless that it almost makes me feel stupid for thinking life is worth living. But hey, I won't deny... when life is good, it's worth every moment of pain. But am I going to reach a good time any time soon?
The thing that somehow has popped up everywhere today is Homecoming. In september. And that makes me feel even more worthless. I'm a senior in high school... not once even been asked to a dance, let alone been to a school dance. Am I really that bad? I mean, really? People tell me I'm nice, pretty blah blah blah, and they wonder why I don't believe it? Well, part of it is the fact that I have never had a boy seriously look at me and like me more than just a friend.... No one who thought I worth a chance... even if it was as simple as putting up with me for a couples at a school dance, even just as friends.
The thing that somehow has popped up everywhere today is Homecoming. In september. And that makes me feel even more worthless. I'm a senior in high school... not once even been asked to a dance, let alone been to a school dance. Am I really that bad? I mean, really? People tell me I'm nice, pretty blah blah blah, and they wonder why I don't believe it? Well, part of it is the fact that I have never had a boy seriously look at me and like me more than just a friend.... No one who thought I worth a chance... even if it was as simple as putting up with me for a couples at a school dance, even just as friends.
I won't admit it in person.... But I want more than anything to be asked to a school dance. I don't want to just go by myself or with a group of friends who either weren't asked or didn't want to be asked... And i am tired of sitting at home and missing out. I'm still a girl, everybody... I want to feel beautiful... for just one night. And I know I make excuses for why I don't want to go... But I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm not missing anything. So what if the dances are weird or boring? I want to be able to say I went... I want to be able to say that someone asked me.... But no one has, and I don't anyone ever will. And it makes me want to cry. Or maybe it's just one thing too many for me.
Ug. I can't even think about it. I think I might die come the last few days before Homecoming when everyone is asking me who I'm going with... And I get to tell them that I never got asked... and that I'm not going... And I get to pretend that it's no big deal as they get that awkward look on their face... I get to pretend that my heart isn't shattered and broken from rejection
*sigh*
I am screaming out here.... and I still don't think anyone will hear me. I just need someone to know... to understand... to let me in their life... maybe give me a reason to prove myself wrong about life... I pray that it happens... but I can't expect anything. People are people... Life is life... And it just seems that both want to ostracize me. Oh, cool. I see how it is. I'll put myself on the chopping block again, I suppose. I'm just scared that this one more time will all I can take. Someone please... please help me. Please. If anyone reads this... Please. Say something to me. Anything. Please.... Please. I'm drowning and reaching out for a saving grace. All my oxygen has been pulled out of my lungs and I'm gasping for air.. Please help me. Please. I know I need help.Someone take a chance on me...
I am screaming out here.... and I still don't think anyone will hear me. I just need someone to know... to understand... to let me in their life... maybe give me a reason to prove myself wrong about life... I pray that it happens... but I can't expect anything. People are people... Life is life... And it just seems that both want to ostracize me. Oh, cool. I see how it is. I'll put myself on the chopping block again, I suppose. I'm just scared that this one more time will all I can take. Someone please... please help me. Please. If anyone reads this... Please. Say something to me. Anything. Please.... Please. I'm drowning and reaching out for a saving grace. All my oxygen has been pulled out of my lungs and I'm gasping for air.. Please help me. Please. I know I need help.Someone take a chance on me...
I'm not quite sure how long I've been following your blog, but I have read every single one of your posts. since you followed me, I decided to follow you; the nice thing to do, right?(:
ReplyDeleteand I'm very happy I did.
because I love your blog. it's real. completely real. and ever since I made the connection that you're the Katie from my Brit lit class, I can't get over the reality of this even more.
because I see you in class and in the halls and all I can think of is everything I know about you and your life and how well you hide it behind your gorgeous face.
and ever since I started reading your blog, I've been wanting to say something; to reach out to you. because I can COMPLETELY relate to you.
so, as soon as I read the last paragraph of this post^, I knew it was time. so here I go..trying to be some sort of 'saving grace'...
I think you need to breathe.
take in a breathe and just breathe.
sit there, and just not think.
and I don't know what religion you are, but I don't care: PRAY.
I am dead serious.
God is the only one that can help you these wretched times.
cry to God.
because no one else really cares about your tears as God does.
he can be your saving grace.
much more than anyone else.
I am a follower of Christ and a firm believer in his mercy and love. there is nothing else in this world like it.
I can tell you countless stories about how amazing He is.
if you read my blog, the entries at th beginning, you will see Him at work in my life.
okay, enough with all my God speel, cause I don't know how you are with that.
so let's go more teenage terms;
life sucks.
but you just gotta believe that's it gonna get better
you have to not focus on the bad,
but live and thrive on the good.
WORDS OF LIFE.
only speak positive things.
only let words of LIFE be spoken into you.
do NOT let words of death into your life.
that is sincerly the reason you feel so horrible all the time..I'm not gonna pretend like I know your life, but from what I can tell from this blog, I'm pretty sure I'm on the right track.
and I'm massively serious about this words of life thing
i promise you, with my entire heart,
that it makes a HUGE difference.
It will make a difference in your life and in your attitude.
simply, be positive, and speak words of life<3
now, I don't know how you're going to take this, or how much my words will even sink into you, but I tried, and that's all I can do.
my heart just aches for you,
because you seem so destressed and that's not fair.
and member, I understand.
I really really do.
our lifes are so similar.
the only difference is, I've gotten over a few of the hills you're still stuck at the bottom of.
so, if you want to talkk to me more, I would LOVE to talk to you, however you want.
find me on facebook,
emmajoy decoto.
and message me!
please(:
I am here.
and I said something.
and I hope I was some sort of saving grace.
love, emmajoy(:
I totally get what you mean. And I usually try. It's worked for me for a long time now... And I suppose I just forget sometimes. But I definitely did a lot of praying last night. Hours... and there were tears too lol. But it all helped... But the reality of it all was the thought of going through the trials on my own.. Well... Never truly alone. God's always there. But without a friend here... now... to smile or laugh with me about the good... listen to the bad. And I thought maybe trying harder would work... but it's pushing people away. And my family at home: completely unsupporting. I was telling my grandma about it all and she basically laughed at me for being upset.So I basically broke. This post ^ is all of those deep down feelings that get thrown out all at once. I mean, I am so thankful for my lfe. I know that as soon as I get out of this trial, I will be stronger. But they all just came at me so fast... And this whole week has been burdened with illness on my end, too. My medications are just NOT cooperating with me LOL. But enough excuses... I do know what you're saying. And I did need a reminder.
ReplyDeleteAnd to be perfectly honest, you can imagine my surprise when I received a notification about a comment of my words... And I really, really, really am grateful for you reaching out to me. It means the world... It's reminding me that there's good in everything, there really is.
I'm hoping this weekend of just... stepping away from everything will help clear it up. I pray that Monday proves to be the clean slate I am so desperately looking for.
Thank you for reaching out to me. <3